French songwriter needs help

[Balthazar]

Hi,
I wrote a french song and I would like to find someone who can help me to translate it into English

You can listen to it on this link:

http://www.kewego.fr/video/iLyROoafYZte.html
Here are the lyrics:

Maman où es tu?

Refrain
Maman, Maman,
Où es tu maintenant
Si tu m'entends
Viens vite, je t'attends

1) Je pleure la nuit
Seul dans mon lit.
Personne n'est là
Sers moi dans tes bras.

2) Je voudrais tant,
Rester longtemps,
Caché dans tes bras
Mais je ne peux pas.

3) Ils sont venus
Et ils m'ont dis.
Je n'ai rien entendu
Je n'ai rien compris.

4) Si maintenant
Il faut partir
Sans toi maman
Que vais-je devenir ?

5)Tu n'es plus là,
Mais je pense à toi
Même la nuit
Je te vois aussi

6)Je me rappelle
Que tu es si belle
Ton voile de velours
Me comble d'amour.

7)Comment te suivre
Où tu es partie
Vais-je survivre
A ma mélancolie


8)Pas de haine
Qui ne tienne
Pour toujours
Face à l’amour.

Thanks you

[Layla]

Here is the translation:

Maman où es tu?
Mom, where are you?

Refrain
Maman, Maman,
Où es tu maintenant
Si tu m'entends
Viens vite, je t'attends

Mom, mom,
Where are you now
If you hear me
Come quickly, I am waiting for you

1) Je pleure la nuit
Seul dans mon lit.
Personne n'est là
Sers moi dans tes bras.

I cry at night
Alone in my bed
Nobody is here
Hold me in your arms.

2) Je voudrais tant,
Rester longtemps,
Caché dans tes bras
Mais je ne peux pas.

I would like so much
To remain for a long time
Hidden in your arms
But, i cannot.

3) Ils sont venus
Et ils m'ont dis.
Je n'ai rien entendu
Je n'ai rien compris.

They came
And they told me
I haven’t heard anything
I haven’t understand anything

4) Si maintenant
Il faut partir
Sans toi maman
Que vais-je devenir ?

If, now
I have to go
Without you, Mom
What will i become?

5)Tu n'es plus là,
Mais je pense à toi
Même la nuit
Je te vois aussi

You are not here anymore
But, i think about you
Even at night
I also see you

6)Je me rappelle
Que tu es si belle
Ton voile de velours
Me comble d'amour.

I remember
That you are very beautiful
Your velvet veil
Fills me with love

7)Comment te suivre
Où tu es partie
Vais-je survivre
A ma mélancolie

How to follow you
Where did you go?
Will i survive
My melancholy?

8)Pas de haine
Qui ne tienne*
Pour toujours
Face à l’amour.

No hatred
Who doesn't keep it
For always
Face to love.

[Balthazar]

Thanks for your Help

[Layla]

You are welcome, Balthazar!

[Balthazar]

It's an accurate translation but I need words that fit the melody.
Thank you Leila

Originally Posted by Layla

Here is the translation:

Maman où es tu?
Mom, where are you?

Refrain
Maman, Maman,
Où es tu maintenant
Si tu m'entends
Viens vite, je t'attends

Mom, mom,
Where are you now
If you hear me
Come quickly, I am waiting for you

1) Je pleure la nuit
Seul dans mon lit.
Personne n'est là
Sers moi dans tes bras.

I cry at night
Alone in my bed
Nobody is here
Hold me in your arms.

2) Je voudrais tant,
Rester longtemps,
Caché dans tes bras
Mais je ne peux pas.

I would like so much
To remain for a long time
Hidden in your arms
But, i cannot.

3) Ils sont venus
Et ils m'ont dis.
Je n'ai rien entendu
Je n'ai rien compris.

They came
And they told me
I haven’t heard anything
I haven’t understand anything

4) Si maintenant
Il faut partir
Sans toi maman
Que vais-je devenir ?

If, now
I have to go
Without you, Mom
What will i become?

5)Tu n'es plus là,
Mais je pense à toi
Même la nuit
Je te vois aussi

You are not here anymore
But, i think about you
Even at night
I also see you

6)Je me rappelle
Que tu es si belle
Ton voile de velours
Me comble d'amour.

I remember
That you are very beautiful
Your velvet veil
Fills me with love

7)Comment te suivre
Où tu es partie
Vais-je survivre
A ma mélancolie

How to follow you
Where did you go?
Will i survive
My melancholy?

8)Pas de haine
Qui ne tienne*
Pour toujours
Face à l’amour.

No hatred
Who doesn't keep it
For always
Face to love.

[Tom-Scott Gordon]

In English, I think it needs to become a Blues song. Otherwise, you have crossed-up sentiments so it fails in this direct translation. The first characteristic 'problem' is that it is not yet clear if these are the thoughts of the child, or those of an ADULT- child?

(My friend Amy at CBS used to criticize these men who went about through life looking for their mommies! -Eventually, they made her President of the Network.)

You are going to have to attack the arrangement with a simple intro and thematic variations with some gender emphasis. Otherwise, it lacks the power to work effectively. Clearly, the refrains are very short, and are therefore childlike. I also like the texture of the french words you chose.

It's quite worthy of some hard work. You may have to re-build it around several groups of three-word passages, like:

-we (or I) can see-, -when you're here-, -in your arms-, -come home now-, -be with me,- -answer the phone,- -don't leave us alone,- etc..

[Balthazar]

Hi Tom-Scott
Thank you for your advise. I have tried to write the song again but it's not easy to keep the rhimes. And I like rhimes. Here is my new translation:

Mammy, Mammy,
Where are you now?
If you hear me
Don’t let me down.

Lost in my bed
I cry and said
Nobody’s here
To appease my tears
I wish I could
Stay for ever
It’s so good
To be together

They came to see
And they told me
I just did hear
What I have to fear
If I have to be
Where you are not
Without you Mammy
Can I forgot ?

I dream of you
All day and night
What can I do?
When you are right.
I always remember
Your love so true
Your smile so tender
Oh what can I do?

How to stay alive
Without you Mammy
Can I survive ?
Without you Mammy
You can’t let hate
Burn you forever
It’s not too late
To love for ever

How does its sound for you?

Thak you Tom-Scott for your interest
Alexandre BAHOUT (Balthazar)

[Layla]

Hello Balthazar! I was reading your new translation! I know it's not easy too keep the rhyme of a song. I don't really understand this stanza:

They came to see
And they told me
I just did hear
What I have to fear
If I have to be
Where you are not
Without you Mammy
Can I forgot ?

I like the rest!

[Balthazar]

Hello Layla
Thank you for your interest to my song. The problem is the song must be linked to the melody and if I want to have rhymes, it's too difficult for a non speaking english to write it. I tried but I don't known if the lyrics can be understood?

Ususally, it's a child who sing it.

They came to see...
And they told me...
(Old people have their own way to deal with children when they loose their mom but the child don't care about what other can think or say. He just want his mom)

I just did hear
What I have to fear
(Though he knew that he won't see his mother again)

If I have to be
Where you are not
(In french Si je dois être là où vous n'êtes pas)
That suggest that there is no hope to be together any more

Without you Mammy
Can I forgot ?
Here I couldn't find someting better to rhyme with NOT. So I am searching...

So if you have some suggestions I will be very grateful.
Balthazar

[Layla]

Ok, Balthazar! I will try and think of something!

[Layla]

Well, here are my modest sugestions. I am really not an expert in these things.

"I cry and said" - i would say "I cried" instead of "cry"

"Without you Mammy
Can i forgot?" - i would replace "can i forgot" with "There's no more....." ... i couldn't figure out an exact word to rhyme with "not". Maybe "hope"?

[Tom-Scott Gordon]

A recent personal experience forces me to view this topic from a most unusual perspective--that of a special 9 year old hyper-active boy named Nicholas.

Little Nick's mother, Marci Coucheron, was my part-time girlfriend this past year and she died suddenly from a bladder infection. Both her ex-husband and the little boy were an awfully disruptive element as I tried to get closer to Marci. I had no further interactions with Nick, but you could see he was tremendously confused at the huge funeral, being the only child.

This song remains a bit obscure, and I am stumped. I will evaluate these passages as they --should-- read in English lyrics, before re-considering the Melody of Your actual song. Each verse must be "logical," as poetry, and I'll post something tomorrow, --later we'll compare this with the original intent, OK?