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Old 09-17-2009, 11:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Sep 2009

Default Can anybody help me fix a couple lines?

Hey guys,

I'm working on a song right now, and I'm happy with most of the lyrics. But there are a couple of lines that aren't sitting too well with me. Can anyone give me some suggestions how to improve them? The ones I don't like are marked with an asterisk (*).

Verse 1
In the morning I look out the window
See the traffic drifting below
*All alone and feeling so apart

With my coat and boots in the winter
Crossing the plaza where in the summer
*You held my hand and in it was my heart

Chorus
The streets they have history
Puts me in a day dream
Walking through my memories
*Keeps my mind wandering

*All that I can tell you
*Is that I still want to
Hold your body close to
My heart beating, feel it beating

Verse 2
On the train I keep my eyes closed
As the buildings rush past the windows
*I’m in motion but keeping very still

In the streetlights I watch my shadow
Pass the door where so long ago
*We were there, our hearts completely filled

Chorus

Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Cheers!
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Florida

Default Help Arrives

I have some sugguestions - I think it is a beautiful song. I hope you like what I added....

Verse 1
In the morning I look out the window
See the traffic drifting below
*alone and craving a new start

With my coat and boots in the winter
Crossing the plaza where in the summer
*You held my hand and cradled my heart

Chorus
The streets they have history
Puts me in a day dream
Walking through my memories
*keep them from slowly fading

*Now what can I do (or) Now what is there to do
*When all that I want is to
Hold your body close to
My heart beating, feel it beating

Verse 2
On the train I keep my eyes closed
As the buildings rush past the windows
*I'm moving fast, but standing still

In the streetlights I watch my shadow
Pass the door where so long ago
*You and I, each other filled

Last edited by MichelleMack : 09-22-2009 at 08:48 AM.
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