To the stars and farther; 'Beating Bleading Heart'

[smoothtung]

Background: This is about drug addiction, passed from father to son, and the struggle to sobriety but the overwhelming will to better his life.
This is my first attempt ever at song writing aside from 'real life hip hop' so I'm not sure how to go about anything really, also this is just a split verse and a pre-chorus but hope you understand the piece a bit and have something to comment on. Advice and constructive criticism is gladly welcomed, saught after really..
Here goes..

If you're hearing this, sad me..
Peer into fears and grasp heed.

A mirror image can't be seen if the glass isnt clean.
And the steer are finished if the grass isn't green.

I need to grasp heed and pass the greed.
Cast my feet in grease, basque in disease.
To dash, must bleed as vast as the sea.
To see what it means to have had to be clean.

(Pre-chorus)
Beating heart; take me to the stars I see..
Bleeding heart; take me there and farther please.
To the largely far reaches of a proper scene..
And give me a somber seat at my fathers knees.

Take care
- Nicholas

[smoothtung]

Guys I'm more than happy to take time out of my day to read a piece and respond to it with feedback/constructive criticism etc. so if the whole "scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" thing appeals to you, leave your name and I'll do you a solid in hopes that you will return the favor..

[Johnb31]

It's going pretty good so far I like the line about the mirror really clever I love writing about mirrors and ones complexion. The only thing that I was eh about was that you have too many rhymes with the "e" sound like be, heed, greed etc it just made it harder to read I think if u change some of those rhymes and add some variety to your rhymes it will make it even better. So I would sujest finding other words that fit the message of your song that don't rhyme wih "e". Good job though I think it's going to be great.

[smoothtung]

Ok that makes perfect sense, I'm used to that being a good thing when writing lyrics in the hip hop field but since reading these songs I have realised that the same doesn't nessesarily apply here. Yes thank you for complementing my mirror line I too enjoy writing about such things. I like finding everyday inanement objects and finding ways to use them to represent deeper meanings and emotions. Shadows are a great one too which is why I was happy to see your piece and that you handled it so well.
Thank you very much for taking the time to answer my plea and thank you for the honest feedback. I will post my finish piece hopefully within the next week.
Take care John and keep up the good work.

[Teshka]

On one hand i agree with johnb and on the other i think that its going pretty great, i'm kinda thinking just revise the lines that start with i need to grasp heed. Love the pre-chorus. Ya its a different mission than hip-hop that you're taking on and idk how many people could actually even come close to making it work (lol) but i can see it happening here, just let mainstream drive the scheme and i know that you'll find the seam. lol i did not intend to do that but i'm just gonna let it ride

PS, great topic too and your approach is original, i'm very interested to see how it will work out.

[Doug Denslowe]

Smooth,you're very poetic.Also,your critiques are some of the best I've read on this site.(Second to, perhaps Frankie Jasmine)That being said,this song has great potential.Drug songs get little if any reaction on this site.One of my best song lyrics (Dragon Hunt)got no feedback until I asked the two people who did Comment.Well,you've got me beat already,so hopefully dozens of people will give Replies before you're through writing this song.Good Luck,my friend,but I don't think you'll need it!

[smoothtung]

On one hand i agree with johnb and on the other i think that its going pretty great, i'm kinda thinking just revise the lines that start with i need to grasp heed. Love the pre-chorus. Ya its a different mission than hip-hop that you're taking on and idk how many people could actually even come close to making it work (lol) but i can see it happening here, just let mainstream drive the scheme and i know that you'll find the seam. lol i did not intend to do that but i'm just gonna let it ride

PS, great topic too and your approach is original, i'm very interested to see how it will work out.

Oh mann haha great touch teshka, strong display of consonance there
First off I appreciate you taking the time to read my work and then to actually comment. Thank you. As for the advice, right on. I was completely on the fence about those lines, knowing that they don't fit and needed to be changed so great eye from a great writer (no surprise). And your comments leave me flattered, I really do appreciate it. I will post the next draft soon in hopes I've made you proud.

[smoothtung]

Smooth,you're very poetic.Also,your critiques are some of the best I've read on this site.(Second to, perhaps Frankie Jasmine)That being said,this song has great potential.Drug songs get little if any reaction on this site.One of my best song lyrics (Dragon Hunt)got no feedback until I asked the two people who did Comment.Well,you've got me beat already,so hopefully dozens of people will give Replies before you're through writing this song.Good Luck,my friend,but I don't think you'll need it!

Well thank you very much Doug you happen to be very poetic yourself, and I very much admire your willingness to help out just about anybody on this site. We need more like you.
I appreciate the compliments and haha yes Frankie does leave gems of advice all over the place. (props if you stumble across this my friend)
Now yes I have also noticed that drug topics don't often draw a second glance within this community.. hmmm, but I guess the thing to do is to just keep on keeping on and try to draw them in with that 'it' factor.
So, as for 'dragon hunt' I would love to see a link to that.. ever since 'diablo diane' I have been a fan of yours Doug and the qualities you offer.
But anyway thank you for your time of day I deeply appreciate it, take care and I hope you get back to me.

[Frankie Jasmine]

@smoothtung: I really, really like the pre-chorus! It's perfect. Like Tess, I don't know about the "ee" repetition either. Perhaps your changeover to the regular lyrics world from rap/hip-hop . . . could be symbolized by going from a "chemically-fueled" lifestyle to a clean one. I think it all depends on if you yourself can "hear" and "sing" the music in your head and aloud. If you can do that, and it works, it's OK.

However, I agree with John31, lyrics usually don't hit the same repetitive "sound-alike" groove that hip-hop/rap does. But if this is your first "change-over lyrics" you've done PDW (pretty darn well)!!

Again, that Pre-chorus proves you have what it takes to be a poet. It's so well done.

[smoothtung]

Thank you very much Frankie. It's not like I've changed though it's more like I'm expanding. As a writer I started out with poems and then switched to real life hip hop (dealing with deep concepts and visuals seen and dealt with in every day life) its more intellectual than just rap, much more. But Ive always loved poetry and figured, why not include actual song writing to my repetoire as well you know?
Thank you for helpin me out I agree with you and john about the end-rhyme scheme, and it's taking alittle more time than predicted but re-writes are in the works.
And again, thankyou for the compliments
Take care Frankie

[Frankie Jasmine]

My post was unclear. Personally, I can go with the "ee"!! Does it need to be reworked? I don't know. My point is that if you can hear it in your head and sing it . . . then bring it to fruition with that beautiful pre-chorus, it's fine!

Also awkwardly worded was about hip-hop > regular lyrics. What I meant was simply that the writing-style of hip-hop might represent symbolically (in this song only) the repetitive world of addiction . . . then the "style" change brings the hearer (symbolically) into a beautiful, poetic place, "at my father's knees." . . . (You see, even with the beautiful poetic pre-chorus . . . there is the "ee" sound! That's not a bad thing for this song.)

In no way did I mean to equate hip-hop with being an addict! I've read too much of S'knDeep to think that. As with all song forms--someone may have "been there - done that" but the message promotes coming out on the "other side." You're right about the depth of meaning and impact of hip hop, at least for the small amount I've been exposed to it. TBPH (just made that up--To be perfectly honest) the part about hip-hop/rap I don't like is cursing; and in the case of rap, the whole violent, drug-filled, disrespect for women, etc., lifestyle; but that's not applicable here AT ALL!

Well, perhaps I've made a muddle . . . but my intention was to restate my views more clearly.

Still stands--Like your song!

_ _ _ _ _

P.S. Loved the way you worded "expanding." Of course, that is what you're doing and that's clear! My words were not as "choice" as yours.

[smoothtung]

Ok I understand your post better now. Yea I still have habits I need to not nessesarily break but 'smooth' over like that?
But yes I knew what you meant, I knew you weren't being judgmental or biased or anything like that at all. I know that. Some of my posts come off differently to people than what Im trying to say (TBPH lol). I'm sorry about that.
I appreciate you being able to go to such lengths to reassure me that I'm on the right track. Means alot to me Frankie and it really speaks for your character.

[Frankie Jasmine]

Welcome, always.