Runaway, Invisible & Helpless

[monsterauge]

Hello, it's me again...

I've got three new lyrics, and the song "Runaway" is recorded, you can listen to it here: http://www.cbrauer.de/downloads/runaway.mp3

But I bet there are soo many faults left in the lyrics! Could someone check them, pleaseee!

Runaway

So he says he won't live at home anymore
anyway, he says he's old enough
you may call him a stupid show-off
but thats the last he would say by himself
going without looking back
so he overlooks the hurt in their faces
so he overlooks the hurt in their faces

(Chorus)he's just a little insect
that tries to make some friends
but he doesn't see how ludicrous he is
he is much more childish than a child
but he doesn't see how ludicrous he is

There's nothing better than him
he is just too good for this world
he prattles things which sound impressive
but have no deeper sense
they all lie at his feet and lick them
they all fell into his facile trap
they all fell into his facile trap

(Chorus)

Some years ago since then he's creeping back to his home
but it's not a home anymore
it's not a home anymore
it's not a home anymore

(Chorus)


The next one is called invisible, the subject is a person who lies in coma and something else... don't know exactly what...

She doesn't want to be missed
she wishes to be invisible
she's starring through the night
but she isn't afraid

the ash is blown away by wind
time flows silently
it runs slowly through our fingers
and futur is eternal

to be awake is to be alive
she lives in a different world
unreachable, and she sleeps
what would she do if she knew she' ll die soon?


and again, helpless, it's the most important one, so please, could you read through it and reply once more??

You have to understand were they come from
to know where they will go
no one deserves being abandoned
I think you're sick

and I see you going mad again, you
fall apart near me
but you'll never try to get rid of it
what did you do that they refuse you

I'm so helpless
just static,
beetween this misery all around me
you'll keep silent
just endless
I've never seen you crying

Why do they dislike you?
They don't even know you
they speak ill about you
and imagine you don't notice it

and if you were torn inside
no one would bother
and no one would realize it
maybe not even you...

...'ll keep silent
just endless
I''ve never seen you crying

Could you please reply and tell me the mistakes? I'd be soooo grateful!

[monsterauge]

Help, help, HELP... I need to know the mistakes!! Could someone just write in two or three sentences... would be great

[monsterauge]

aaahh.. can't someone correct them???
and there's another song... PLEASE! we want to record them and there's no one else I could ask for help...


Emergency Exit

I don't know the language of my mind
can I rely on it?
doubts on everything, easy to find
the more I think the more it doesn't fit
neither day nor night
isn't dark there's no light
beetween the athoms, there's nothing
except for some lonely minds, trembling

when nothing's left except for ash
don't wait, don't delay
shatter the air and escape through the gash
nothing's left that'd keep you stay

no, you won't get away so easily
remember you carry responsibility
so, return one day
return one day
return one day!

when nothing's left except for ash
don't wait, don't delay
shatter the air and escape through the gash
but please, return one day

[monsterauge]

Yeah.. I'm talking to myself

Now, here's the link to Emergency Exit, if anyone is interested: http://www.cbrauer.de/downloads/emergencyexit.mp3

And there's another lyric.......

why isn't anyone helping me *whine*


LAZY DAY

What do you do this for?
the longing for fame and glory
you desire more and more
don't seem to know it's transitory
life is flowing through
you overdo it, go to far
take a look around you
and enjoy every image on your retina

Your last smile seems so long ago
stop brooding about tomorrow
this will only furrow your brow
for one day: leave all of your sorrow

What do you endure this for?
they make complaints against you
which you won't ignore
you don't have to please everyone
don't obey
lean back and enjoy the sun
and pass a bright lazy day


if it's too much, I'd be grateful if you could just answer these questions:

1) can I say wallow YOURSELF? or is this impossible? How would it be correct?
2)is this phrase okay: "you had better not know about it"?

I'd be grateful for eternities *becomingtheatrical

[cara b]

your lyrics **** !!!!!!!!! I would never buy something about an insect going home its LAME-O ! Get a life I have to say though put better lyrics to the music. I'll give you that !you had good music and a nice recording did you record that yourself or did go all out studio?
C

[monsterauge]

Get a life? Sorry, I'm fiveteen, I think I don't have to worry about that now. You're pretty discouraging, you know. this was the first song I wrote in my life and I'm no native English speaker. I know and I think already wrote (if not in this thread, then in the old one) that they and especially Runaway are not good, but MY GOD could you please say this a bit more polite?
I'm not sure but I think the new ones are a bit better. Maybe you'd read them first, lazy day and emergency exit, which is so personal to me that it doesn't matter...I'll change everything but Emergency Exit.

Apart from that, I'd like to hear some suggestions, cara b...

And don't worry: if they suck soooo, I won't put them into the booklet.

If you say it's lame, you obviously read it and you can tell me the grammar mistakes(that is, by the way, the only thing I'm asking for)

[SOULstice]

Okay, first things first. You don't have to use all the big words. You want

people to be able to relate to your song (or at least understand it). Also, I

think the lyrics should reflect the person who wrote them. You said you're only

fifteen. I don't know any 15 year olds who use words like "ludicrous" and

"facile". Just my opinion.

When you say "that's the last thing he would say by himself", I think you

mean "ABOUT himself". In the chorus, you say he "overlooks the hurt in their

faces." I don't think this is something one would "overlook." Mabye "ignore"

or "doesn't see" or better yet, "looks past." Lastly (I feel like i'm rambling) I

think you should change your "insect" analogy. It really isn't relevant to any

part of the song... just some of my thoughts

[benappleby]

You're a great singer!! seriously i dont think there are any "mistakes" read my lyrics!!

[monsterauge]

thanks a lot you two!!
The result of your advice, SOULstice:


Runaway

So he says he won't live at home anymore
anyway, he says he's old enough
you may call him a stupid show-off
but thats the last he would say about himself
going without looking back
so he looks past the hurt in their faces
so he looks past the hurt in their faces

(Chorus)he's just a little insect
that tries to make some friends
but he doesn't see how ludicrous he is
he is much more childish than a child
but he doesn't see how ludicrous he is

There's nothing better than him
he is just too good for this world
he prattles things which sound impressive
but have no deeper sense
they all lie at his feet and lick them
they all fell into his simple trap
they all fell into his simple trap

(Chorus)

Some years ago since then he's creeping back to his home
but it's not a home anymore
it's not a home anymore
it's not a home anymore

(Chorus)


I can't change the two things in the chorus, though I know it'd be better, but I couldn't find anything else that fits the content AND the lyrics! I tried "ridiculous" instead of "ludicrous" but it doesn't fit to the music... well maybe... I'll try and let you know.

I'll let the "insect" the way it is, and I think a way to support the meaning (or A meaning) is to put another expression in the voice... well, so that everyone knows, it's not a serious I-hate-you-song, but something just... well, to critisize someone slightly without a deeper sense and just for fun.

I thank you so much!

and also thanks to you, benappleby, that's very kind, thanks! I'll read them soon!

so, we had a little performance of three songs the last weekend. I put them on the internet for a while:

runaway: YouTube - Runaway (live im Monsuntheater)
silver heart: YouTube - Silver Heart (live im Hamburger Monsuntheater)
emergency exit: YouTube - Emergency Exit (live im Monsuntheater)

[cara b]

Look sorry I was so harsh but a where are you from ? ( thats not sarcasm!) and b i'm saying this to be polite and help you its not fiveteen its fifteen. and to soulstice i like the so called "big words " and maybe that is who he is ! maybe you arent so smart and you hang out with idiots because ludicrous is a very common word! back to the writer c is are you a boy or a girl ?

[monsterauge]

okay, then next time I'll just write 15 so I don't have to think about the spelling!
I'm from Hamburg, Germany.
I haven't finished learning English, and I need the help as long as I can't check my lyrics for mistakes myself.

haha now you like them? it's both okay, if you don't like the big words, that's all right, and if you like them, it's nice! again, these were my first lyrics ever (after the poor verses I wrote in German before) and I didn't think about anything as I wrote them, I just wanted to have something that I can sing to this very first song except for lalala. And that same day there was this "showoff" in school who told us that he moves home and takes a flat in the red light district or whatever... he was 15, too, at that point (It happened a year ago, I think) that's why I wrote this song. It's not meant seriously as you probably thought while reading it the first time.
What really interests me then, is how you judge about especially Lazy Day and Emergency Exit because those were the first songs where I put a bit more effort in the lyrics and took more time to think about them
I just ask you in particular, because I was rather sad after having read your first post. And still I don't know if you read the others and think they're so bad, too. (you can be very negative, I won't bite :S I just want to know)

I'm confused about the ludicrous thing, but I just thought: even if it's not common, it maybe fits, because it isn't... (repeated) a serious song. maybe that emphasizes this. I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say.
And to answer you last question: I'm a girl, I sing on the records and at the little performance which I posted... (which is sadly very overdriven, if you can say so. I didn't notice because I never watched them on youtube before)
that's it, thanks for reading *bending*
haha and I bet this text is full of mistakes, too... but you don't have to correct them...

[cara b]

No no mistakes

[xCrazyBeautifulx]

Okay, I'll make some comments. :]

First allow me to say that your music is quite good - the instrumentals are very, very professional. Your singing could stand some improvement, as could your enunciation, but overall you're doing quite well.

I agree with many of SOULstice's comments, like the thing about the chorus: this is what I would do with it:

It seems he tries so hard,
So hard to make some friends
But he doesn't see how childish he is.
It's obvious he doesn't act his age,
But he doesn't see how childish he is.

I don't know if that fits the same context you wanted, but...

And please, keep writing/playing/singing, because let me tell you, you have some incredible potential.

[monsterauge]

Waah, that's great CrazyBautiful! Thanks for your nice encouragement, and for the new Chorus ... I like it, the context is okay, too. The only thing I struggle with is the line "It's obvious he doesn't act his age" because I can't find a good rhythm to sing it.
I guess I'll rewrite the whole Song Runaway one day, or let it drop.

Anyway, we'll make some records for an announcement for a bassist soon. ONly with guitars, because we have no possibility to include the Drums, but that's enough so far. If you're interested I'll put up the link as soon as we've made them!

[monsterauge]

I recorded two songs, invisible and lazy day, for those who are interested!
http://www.cbrauer.de/downloads/070330invisible2.mp3

and http://www.cbrauer.de/downloads/070331lazyday.mp3

[MDizzle]

Can you write some guitar/drum/piano/bass tabs for these songs so that other people can mes around with the sound of the songs and then you can take some suggestions from us? That would be great. Thanks