Help me review my lyrics

[MDizzle]

Hey everybody, I'm new to writing songs, and I'd like some feedback on my lyrics. Please comment both good and bad, i want the truth so i can get better. If you don't like them, please tell me why.
Thanks
Mike

Yesterday

Yesterday I thought that I could stay away from you,
But then I saw you and I knew it wouldn't do,
So I took your hand,
And kissed your palm,
And now I am with you.

I left you,
I had to,
I didn't want to,
Cuz I need you,

I left you,
I had to,
But I love you,
And it wouldn't do.

Now today I think that i can stay away,
But I cant say for sure,
Cuz I love you so much now girl,
I just don’t know what to do.

I left you,
I had to,
I didn't want to,
Cuz I need you,

I left you,
I had to,
But I love you,
And it wouldn't do.

So now you're leaving me all alone again,
But that won't do, cuz I need you too,
And you're leaving me, because you do,
Not need my love anymore.

[SOULstice]

nice song. The last verse though, kinda throws it off.
"So now you're leaving me all alone again,
But that won't do , cuz I need you too,"

I think it's the word "again." Since there was no previous mention of the other person leaving once before, the word "again" doesn't really apply. I hope you don't feel like i'm being too critical. It's just that the first two verses AND the chorus both refer to YOU (the writer) as the one doing the leaving, or in this case, staying away. Just my thoughts. Let me know if i'm too nit - picky

[benappleby]

Originally Posted by MDizzle

Hey everybody, I'm new to writing songs, and I'd like some feedback on my lyrics. Please comment both good and bad, i want the truth so i can get better. If you don't like them, please tell me why.
Thanks
Mike

Yesterday

Yesterday I thought that I could stay away from you,
But then I saw you and I knew it wouldn't do,
So I took your hand,
And kissed your palm,
And now I am with you.

I left you,
I had to,
I didn't want to,
Cuz I need you,

I left you,
I had to,
But I love you,
And it wouldn't do.

Now today I think that i can stay away,
But I cant say for sure,
Cuz I love you so much now girl,
I just don’t know what to do.

I left you,
I had to,
I didn't want to,
Cuz I need you,

I left you,
I had to,
But I love you,
And it wouldn't do.

So now you're leaving me all alone again,
But that won't do, cuz I need you too,
And you're leaving me, because you do,
Not need my love anymore.

It's good, try to put more emotion, stronger words into it. Also on the chorus write I left you, Because I had to.

Great song for a newbie tho! nice one!!

[MDizzle]

would it be better for the last verse to go

So now I'm leaving you all alone again,
But that won't do, cuz you need me too,
And I'm leaving you, because i do not,
I do not need your love anymore.

[SOULstice]

I think this would be a cool last verse, BUT, you would need another verse before it, explaining why you don't need her anymore. Or at least something, referring to your feelings not being the same anymore. I say this because in the beginning, you talked about how "I thought that I could stay away from you" and "Cuz I love you so much now girl." So since you want to end with "And I'm leaving you, because i do not, I do not need your love anymore," I feel you should explain the change, the "anymore" part of it. Just my opinions.... In the end it's your art.

[xxbeckyxx]

nice 1 mate try it out see how ar it goz ini !!! YEA M8 lol x lolx :-)