only a chorus, i can't tell if it's too cheesy!

[erin11]

This is all i have so far, I just wrote it. I don't know whether or not to proceed.


Feel the breeze, i'm in so deep.
It's you and me tonight
Lets break the rules tonight
I don't want the sun to rise
and I don't want to sleep

[erin11]

Please Give Me Some Feed Back!!!!

[lollipop]

like your thread header says and you already suspect yourself, it is a little too cheesy in my opinion

try to lose that "Lets break the rules tonight" part...

[Krent_Calstro777]

it's not cheesy to me but the chorus look more of a verse then a chorus itself

[612chris]

Feel the breeze, i'm in so deep.
It's you and me tonight
Lets break the rules tonight
I don't want the sun to rise
and I don't want to sleep

I like it, and yeah it could be seen as "cheesy" but that sells and doesn't offend everyone. I would try to do more with "I don't want the sun to rise and I dont want to sleep", seems there could be more.
Again, I don't write poetry or lyrics, so take my input for what it is worth. I can't do what you do, I only know what I like.
612chris

[Restoration]

ayo check this.....

instead of in "so" deep, try "too" deep.

feel the breeze......i'm in too deep

it's just you and me......i'm in too deep

Lets break the rules tonight (drag out the tonight)
I don't want the sun to rise (drag out the rise)

I can't even sleep at tonight(drag out the "night" in tonight)

cause I'm in too DEEP.

-just "my" flavor, but you structure it how you "FEEL It"


-Restoration in your EARDRUM

[Krent_Calstro777]

nice flow Restoration ^^ I just hear a song out that lol

[erin11]

Thank you so much! That helps a lot. i'm a vocal major at Berklee and im trying my hand at writing too so i'm not just "the singer". This was my first attempt so thank you for the feedback!

[Krent_Calstro777]

nice, I'm also a singer and in a band called "Serenity of Fire" it have well-balance songs though.