Heal the fallen souls

[Krent_Calstro777]

I think I made an emotional one, it kinda inspird by how to save a life by The Fray ^^

I have been to the scene of crimes
I saw suicides at that time
Abusing lives it’s what’s appalling
I hear their cries when they are falling
Spread toward people with despair
They don’t deserved their lives’ unfair
Only if I were to undo
The devil’s choices of who to consume
I pray to the god to save those souls
As they may have been sold but…

Please god, help me to heal the fallen souls
Die trying can only be done by the fools
Prayer and light are my only tools
People’s blood spread within the pool
Please, do it only for me

Many lives are now deceased
The god’s power has been ceased
Undoing the past is out of my hand
I search far and wide across the land
Do anything to bring back the souls
The corpses reek of devil’s foul
Hearing the laugh of my evil
My shoulder burden by an anvil
I pray to the god to save those souls
As they may have been sold but…

Please god, help me to heal the fallen souls
Die trying can only be done by the fools
Prayer and light are my only tools
People’s blood spread within the pool
Please, do it only for me

Show me a sign show me light
My will is against me to fight
I have no chance of winning
I can’t do anything and I’m sitting
I want to scream and shout
I’ll trade my soul for theirs!

Please god, help me to heal the fallen souls
Die trying can only be done by the fools
Prayer and light are my only tools
People’s blood spread within the pool
Please, do it only for me

Please god, help me to heal the fallen souls
Die trying can only be done by the fools
Prayer and light are my only tools
People’s blood spread within the pool
Please, do it only for me

[MastersA]

Krent,

First off, know that I am not criticizing the experiences in this song, just the way you conveyed the experiences.

I have been to the scene of crimes
I saw suicides at that time
Abusing lives it’s what’s appalling
I hear their cries when they are falling

Its starts off pretty awkward beginning with "at that time." "At that time" doesn't work because it sounds like your forced it in to rhyme with "crimes."
When you get to the third line "its what's" is very clunky to read and likely clunky to sing. Why not say "Abusing lives is appalling?" Also, I'm confused by who or what is "abusing lives." Are people who commit suicide abusing their lives? Maybe you meant "abused lives" when you saw the bodies of those who committed suicide?

Spread toward people with despair
They don’t deserved their lives’ unfair
Only if I were to undo
The devil’s choices of who to consume
I pray to the god to save those souls
As they may have been sold but…

Again, you are forcing words in to place to make the song rhyme. I don't think rhyme works well in this song because of the subject matter. When you're talking about suicide and trying to convey how it doesn't make sense, rhyme contradicts your purpose because of the "sing-songy" value it adds to the song. The song would have been much more effective without any rhyme at all

[Krent_Calstro777]

it's a good piece of advice, and it's only practical though, because i've done this song for merely an hour so it wasn't review or recorrect but thank anyway ^^
well i should have should the newer one if i didn't put this one XD but I'll just put the refix verse 1

I have been to the scene of crime
I only have saw the suicide
Abusing their lives is appalling
I hear their cried when their souls have fallen
Spreading to people the words of dspair
but they don't deserve their lives to be hard and unfair
Only if I were to undo
The devil's choice of who to consume
I pray to the god to save those souls
even though they have been sold but...

some songs can be meaningful even if there rymes but good ones are hard to come by.