New budding songwriter looking for feedback

[doubletalkinjive]

Okay i've been writing songs for about a year on and off, whenever I have the inspiration to do it. I've completed about 5/6 songs and I was looking for feedback on my lyrics. Perhaps suggestions on how to make it better etc. Don't need to beat around the bush with me, i'd prefer it if people just gave their honest opinions constructively.

Wild Rose

I see you standing there,
It sends a shot of love to my heart,
But I will remain lonely,
Another man keeps us apart

I'm always standing in the shadows
Watching you with another man
He can't make your wildest dreams come true
Oh, like the way I can

These tears I shed are for you,
They’re leaving scars that'll never heal,
Without your touch, something I want to feel

Wild rose,
Your thorns are breaking the skin,
Unleashing the wealth of my unholy sin,
Wild rose,
You’re the one my heart chose
So far away but yet so close

I sit here upon my throne
Without you, all alone
Too young to die, only seventeen
You’ll be someone else’s queen

You looked into the eyes of a thousand others
All concerned only with being lovers

Wild rose,
Your thorns are breaking my skin,
Unleashing the wealth of my unholy sin,
Wild rose,
You’re the one my heart chose
So far away but yet so close

These tears I shed are for you,
They’re leaving scars that'll never heal,
Without your touch, something I want to feel

Wild rose,
Your thorns are breaking my skin,
Unleashing the wealth of my unholy sin,
Wild rose,
You’re the one my heart chose
So far away but yet so close

Oh my wild wild rose.

[doubletalkinjive]

Anyone?

[MastersA]

doubletalkinjive,

I think you should take the idea of a "Wild Rose" and start completely over. Try it from different angles like describing a rose you actually seem, as opposed to banging us over the head with the metaphor.

I see you standing there,
It sends a shot of love to my heart,
But I will remain lonely,
Another man keeps us apart

In the first stanza going from "I see you stand there" to "It sends" is awkward because you are referring to your sight of her (I assume) standing there. "It" doesn't really apply to you seeing her standing there. Maybe "The sight of her standing there sends..." but it just sounds awkward as it is now. As for a "shot of love," it sounds very cliche. Try to come up with a more original or interesting image to describe your feeling. Also, with "another man keeps us apart," usually when I think of a "Wild" thing, I think of something that can't be tamed or held down. If another man keeps you apart, maybe she is not a wild rose since she is obviously tied down by someone. The rest of the song contains similar problems.

Its very difficult to write something non-cliche about romantic love, but if you are going to, try to find a new and interesting or original way to show what you are feeling or experiencing. Note: I'm not in any way criticizing your experience, just the way you conveyed your experience through lyrics. Finally, if this is not your experience, try a different subject matter... especially if your other songs are also about romantic love.

[Krent_Calstro777]

what MastersA said is true however he has forgotten to mention that either that title is to be rewrite or the song. Wild rose is indeed something to be tamed but your lyric reffered to be tied down as he said. but mainly i look at the stanza, it is hard to sing with it the flows are hard to adjust. your writing proportionally half english and half ASL (american sign language) that why MasterA understand vaguely ssome lines are in revese.

[NephilimTorture]

omfg, this is the funniest ***** bs ive ever heard, thanks for the good laugh heres to ya guy