Some lyrics i wrote plz read be honest

Commonenemy · 04-05-2008, 02:04 PM

Hey heres some lyrics i wrote the first set my band doesnt like and neither do i but some pple we asked said they were really good so i just need an unbiased opinion and the second set i think is a song already but just tell me if it is here goes dont expect much but be honest:

#1:
Verse 1: You remember the way we danced?
You remember the way we held hands?
Memories take me back home.

Chorus: Every taste every smell, every touch i get of you,
those memories they take me home, they take me back home.

Verse 2: I remember the way you used to laugh,
I remember the way you used to smile,
memories take me back home.

Chorus

Bridge: These words just pass right through me now,
you cant touch, cant hurt me now,
I cant feel you...Anymore.
Cuz you mean nothing to me now,
Just thoughts and visions that I see,
cuz thats all you mean to me,
Just countless memories.

#2:
Verse 1: We risked it all for nothing...
on that night, we took it all away...
we gave up our freedoms,
we gave up our lives,
I never thought that it would end this way!

Chorus: Now Im standing down,
standing tall,
standing free to live it all,
this standing pain aint happening to me,
I never thought that it would end this way!

Thats all i have so far plz post what you think be honest!!!

rydizzle · 04-05-2008, 05:31 PM

they don't sound that bad to me at least. what style of song? slow, mid, fast?

the lyrics paint a picture in my mind of an emo kid dropping the razor blade, taking off his black nail polish, putting some mens pants on and saying no more . . but that's just me. And that isn't meant to be insulting to your song, just what I get from it.

HellBellsLiveWire · 04-05-2008, 06:08 PM

I think the mood of the song changes very dramatically in the bridge, from a happy song to a sad or angry song. First you say that the memories of this person take you back home, then you say he means nothing to you. Its just an issue of continuity and I think the change is too radical. It looks like 2 separate songs.

Commonenemy · 04-05-2008, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rydizzle

they don't sound that bad to me at least. what style of song? slow, mid, fast?

the lyrics paint a picture in my mind of an emo kid dropping the razor blade, taking off his black nail polish, putting some mens pants on and saying no more . . but that's just me. And that isn't meant to be insulting to your song, just what I get from it.

the style i was kind of aiming for was kind of slow but as it goes on it goes kind of faster and more heavy but its kind of supposed to be an acoustic song till the chorus and bridge then the electric guitars come in but idk and thats frekin hilarious about what you get about tht emo kid i dont take tht as an insult at all i just think its frekin hilarious

Commonenemy · 04-05-2008, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HellBellsLiveWire

I think the mood of the song changes very dramatically in the bridge, from a happy song to a sad or angry song. First you say that the memories of this person take you back home, then you say he means nothing to you. Its just an issue of continuity and I think the change is too radical. It looks like 2 separate songs.

so you think i should just make it 2 different songs or less of a change or what?

rydizzle · 04-05-2008, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Commonenemy

so you think i should just make it 2 different songs or less of a change or what?

i can agree with the flow, but if you do the slow then fast it would make a good transition. i think you need to add a line or two at the beginning of the bridge to make it more cohesive. why can't this person hurt you anymore? why do they mean nothing? what did they do?

Commonenemy · 04-06-2008, 01:00 AM

Ok i see what you guys are saying thanks for the advice i apreciate it. can you give me your thoughts on the second one?

Commonenemy · 04-09-2008, 02:50 PM

by the way about the second one i just thought up the rest of the song i probably will add more but just give me your thoughts on this so far

Verse 1: We risked it all for nothing...
on that night, we took it all away...
we gave up our freedoms,
we gave up our lives,
I never thought that it would end this way!

Chorus: Now Im standing down,
standing tall,
standing free to live it all,
this standing pain aint happening to me,
I never thought that it would end this way!

verse 2: We gave it all away...
young and foolish is all we were...
leson learned now lets move on,
its taught me well now i grow up,
I never thought it would end this way!

Chorus

Bridge: Will you run?
Will you fight?
Fight for what is right?
Will you come with me,
and seize the day!

Commonenemy · 04-12-2008, 10:12 PM

...any comments?

HellBellsLiveWire · 04-13-2008, 12:14 AM

Very good job in fixing the lyrics. I knew it would flow better in two parts!

Ninja TK · 04-14-2008, 04:51 PM

Very good job in deed.
I really like the song.
It does remind me a bit of what rydizzle said, about the emo kid thing.
But I think it would make a great music video if it was ever covered by a band.
Great work!

Commonenemy · 05-05-2008, 08:53 PM

Hey thanks a lot guys for the input im currently in a band and were trying to put the song together but for the emo kid thing i was wondering which one you guys were talking about the first set of lyrics or the second one because there numbered there two different songs so just in case you didnt know that there you go but im writing another set right now and ill post it when im somewhat satisfied with it but just keep posting your opinions i apreciate it.

Commonenemy · 05-11-2008, 04:14 PM

k then just bumpin the thread plz post!

Reags · 05-11-2008, 08:23 PM

I think at this point the songs are waiting on music.

Lots of decisions to be made, what key? Tonality? Major, minor? Where are your vocal hooks gonna fall?? Instrumentation?

I like to think of this point in songwriting as simialr to music in movies. You have a lyric, which is like the pictures of a movie, and now you need to set the mood through the music itself. Dont know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it might help...

Commonenemy · 05-19-2008, 06:23 PM

Hey thanks for your opinions and im going to have to ask for some more heres some new material ive got i havent worked on it too much so dont expect much but here it is:

Verse 1: It worked out for a while,
no one said a word,
One happy family is what we were.
All that ended in a flash,
A split second and its gone,
One moment youve got it all,
The next hes got it all and more.

Hook:You leave us sitting here,
Now i cant think,
I cant even feel,
I cant sleep at night...all because of you

Chorus: He left us stranded and in the dark,
Abandoned without hope.
Where do we go from here?
All we have is each other now.
Youve created this beautiful trajedy...

Ya i dont got a second verse yet so ill keep you guys posted on how thats gonna turn out.

Bridge: Now your comming back to us,
Stuck and screaming for releif,
But we cannot help you now,
cuz youve dug your hole too deep.

And thats what ive got so far tell me what you guys think

Commonenemy · 05-24-2008, 10:42 PM

comments anyone?

Jean1singer · 06-13-2008, 08:58 PM

They're both really great KEEP WRITING!