Untitled Thus Far

[Halberd]

So, I'm part of this band known as Halberd (Hence my log in name) and I wrote some lyrics I may be considering to suggest writing for. Now, we have other lyric capables, so I'd honestly like to know everything I can do to compete:

With no innocence left
We fought to the death
But God no longer stood by our side

Our doctrines scarcely alive
Nobody left to revive -
Liberty had already died

For ignorance bound her
Struggling I found her
Bleeding from entangling wire

With the last of her force
She held up a torch
But the Darkness had put out the fire

So please save me
I know where I stand!
But through the killing
When will it end?
This tale took my soul
I know that I'm damned
But hate's all I know
It's all anyone has
It's all anyone has

I've held captive a sound
In a box long unwound
'Till suddenly I gave it a wind

The coils started to turn:
My soul intangibly burned
From songs reminiscent of a life left behind

Yet that symphony's dead
It's cry for help left unread
I can't help but feel that all this was planned

I claimed to hate war
So I can't ask for more
But no longer united we stand!

So please save me
I know where I stand!
But through the killing
When will it end?
This tale took my soul
I know that I'm damned
But hate's all I know
It's all anyone has
It's all anyone has

So please save me
I'll hand you my life,
Just break the silence
Like the sun tears the night!
This fog has me blinded
Your apathy's might!
Well here is my hatred
How ironic the sight!

[atmaster]

Overall, I like the poem. The lines of the couplet in the first verse are slightly in conflict. The phrasing has death and loss of innocence as direct consequences and as a "destination" of fighting. My suggestion would be to make one as a destination and the other as the direct consequence of fighting. Such as:

We fought to the death
As our innocence left;
God no longer stood by our side

With no innocence left
We fought to the death
But God no longer stood by our side

To me, the lines of the couplet in the second verse are repetitious. I would suggest a slight change to the first and/or second line so that the second line could appear to be independently paired with the 1st or third line.

Our men no longer strive
Nobody left to revive -
Liberty had already died

The second line of the third verse is awkward to me. Try something like:

For ignorance had bound her
Struggling I found her
She was bleeding from entangling wire

I like the fourth verse. The remainder of the poem has some more awkward moments but hopefully my previous suggestions will help you work those out.

[Halberd]

Thank you so much, this is absolutely wonderful feedback. I'll have an updated one posted as soon as I work out the newfound flaws, thanks man.

With no innocence left
We fought to the death
But God no longer stood by our side

Our doctrines scarcely alive
Nobody left to revive -
Liberty had already died

For ignorance bound her
Struggling I found her
Bleeding from entangling wire

With the last of her force
She held up a torch
But the Darkness had put out the fire

So please save me
I know where I stand!
But through the killing
When will it end?
This tale took my soul
I know that I'm damned
But hate's all I know
It's all anyone has
It's all anyone has

I've held captive a sound
In a box long unwound
'Till suddenly I gave it a wind

The coils started to turn:
My soul intangibly burned
From songs reminiscent of a life left behind

Yet that symphony's dead
It's cry for help left unread
I can't help but feel that all this was planned

I claimed to hate war
So I can't ask for more
But no longer united we stand!

So please save me
I know where I stand!
But through the killing
When will it end?
This tale took my soul
I know that I'm damned
But hate's all I know
It's all anyone has
It's all anyone has

So please save me
I'll hand you my life,
Just break the silence
Like the sun tears the night!
This fog has me blinded
Your apathy's might!
Well here is my hatred
How ironic the sight!

[atmaster]

Glad I could help.
It definitely "flows" better with the changes you made.

[Halberd]

Thank you. I still have a problem though. This verse here:

The coils started to turn:
My soul intangibly burned
From songs reminiscent of a life left behind

And then these verses:

I claimed to hate war
So I can't ask for more
But no longer united we stand!

So please save me
I know where I stand!
But through the killing
When will it end?
This tale took my soul
I know that I'm damned
But hate's all I know
It's all anyone has
It's all anyone has

The stand is too repeated there, but I don't want to change either of them too much... Any ideas?

[atmaster]

Try the following lines for the first part:

In a box long bound
Was a captive sound
‘Til nameless strength its bondage pardoned

My soul instantly burned
From songs once interned
Reminiscent of a life now abandoned

Yet that symphony's dead
It's cry for help unsaid
I can't help but feel it was all planned

I claimed to hate war
And can endure no more
For united no longer we stand!
-----------------------------------------------------------

It appears you are struggling with the final lines of the poem. You have vividly presented a conflict and now it's time to drive home your point/conclusion/solution (or not). The final lines attempt to show your uncertainty about the right or wrong of the situation and the hopelessness for a solution. My suggestion is to condense the rambling and bring it on home!

[Halberd]

Thanks, I really owe you, I think this is coming off alot better now.