The Unfortunate Jilting of Sandra Rivers

[fighttest89]

new to this forum. here goes...

she carries herself well
seeing but never speaking
sifting instants like sand
holding out for a diamond
she always kept herself a secret
a storybook to be written
so he filled you up with words
and peeled away your innocence
when she speaks it comes in echoes
a solemn string of syllables
and in one wrinkled hand
she holds his picture like a bible
regrets what she cant change
wont forget what she can't replace
she set one love in her heart
that just wouldn't be erased
you say you didn't see it coming
but you're just lying through your teeth
you know every good thing is all too brief
why did you think love would be easy

oh you used to have blue eyes
they were the bright
bright bright bright
color of the sky
but now that sky's all grey
and it's rained every day
since the sun went away
and the moon took it's place
regrets what she cant change
forgets what she can't replace
she set one love in her heart
that just wouldn't be erased
you say you didn't see it coming
but you're just lying through your teeth
you know every good thing is all too brief
why did you think love would be easy

any comments or suggestions are appreciated. Please critique!

[Halberd]

I think it's wonderful, the structure, the imagery, it's all very good. However, perhaps your individual verses are too long? I found this song a little too blocky, honestly, and I think this style of writing hurts your chain of thought, I have trouble sometimes understanding what you're trying to bring out.

[atmaster]

I "echo" Halberd's praise and critique. The poem has a wonderful pace that occasionally gets tripped up by the longer lines.

she always kept herself a secret
a storybook to be written
so he filled you up with words
and peeled away your innocence
when she speaks it comes in echoes

Suggested change:

she always kept her secrets
a storybook to be written
filled with his words (lies)
peeling away your innocence
she speaks only in echoes


Also, there are repetitive and/or conflicting verses, like:

but now that sky's all grey
and it's rained every day
since the sun went away
and the moon took it's place

Being picky, if the sky is grey, the sun and moon are both not visible. May be something like:

but now they're all grey (=double reference to the skies and her eyes)
and it rains every day
since the sun went away

Excellent work! Keep it coming!