Things are Over...Please Comment

[Mike...18]

Wrote this pretty quick.. please let me know what you think


This has been continued for far to long
My sincerity for your feelings has led me to forget about my own
Your contradicting self has led me to think I’m not the one
I can’t sit around waiting for you, it’s your call
I swear I carry this suffering on my own
It’s time I give you some of this anguish
I’m falling down, and if I go all the way I’m taking you with me
Never be the nice guy, you will always get pushed down
Its time to take a stand and speak up
No more letting things slip away
I’m taking control, and things are going to end my way
So when everyone else ****s you over
Don’t expect to cry on my shoulder
You had your chance
That time has past
Move on
I’m ****ing done

[atmaster]

For my first read, the beginning was cumbersome and cluttered. But in my second read, I imagined someone trying to collect their thoughts and focus. The poem then picks up speed and forcefully come to a conclusion. So I like that part of the structure. However, you switch back and forth between a conversational format and a rhyming couplet format. I would suggest starting with a rhyming format and finishing with a conversational format. Overall, it needs some "polishing" on the verbiage to improve the flow (try reading it out loud to find the rough transition points).

[Mike...18]

thank you for the advice

[music fanatic]

I agree with atmaster, it needs some polishing. besides just needing that little fix, I really liked it.

[lyricsfromtheheart]

it is really good but it seems like you are talking about somthing different half way down
but i still love it

[Clockwork]

You sound like you just discovered what a thesaurus is and what swear words are. Also, you may want to discover a dictionary and look up 'rhyme' and 'meter'.

[lyricsfromtheheart]

Clockwork, not all music rhymes. .