My lyric post...Delivery.

[Reags]

Hi everyone. This is m first lyric post and also my first post on these forums. Good to be here.

So this is a song I wrote a few weeks ago. Tell me what you think.


Delivery

Ill never forget what you said
The day you flew away
With your travel bags and coffee mug
That'd last back to the USA
I said ill see you in a month or two
You just said that could be years for all you know

Now I wonder if you smiled at the time

You can say things you don’t believe
You can just lie to me
And I’ll wonder what you really mean
Not in the words but in the delivery

I’m sure you remember the day
We spent some time at the sea
And the waves got me all sentimental
I jumped the gun and said something stupid
And from there we slipped
My mouth is my worst enemy

If you knew how I cried at the time

I can say things the wrong way
I find it hard to make you see
And you’ll never know what I mean
Not in my words but in my melody

If home is just a place to keep the heart,
Let me be your place by the sea

[atmaster]

Excellent poem!

I do have one question...
Not sure what you meant by "That'd last back to the USA"

Suggestions on the flow of the poem...

"You said it could be years for all you knew"

"You can even lie to me
And I’ll wonder what you really meant"

"We spent together at the beach
And the moment seemed so romantic
But then I jumped the gun
You just turned away
My mouth is my worst enemy"

"I can say things the wrong way
I just wanted to make you see
But you’ll never know what I meant"

[Reags]

Originally Posted by atmaster

Excellent poem!

I do have one question...
Not sure what you meant by "That'd last back to the USA"

If you run that line on from the previous line it reads:

"With your travel bags and coffee mug that'd last back to the USA"

It tells the listerner shes from the USA, and implies a very big coffee mug. Don't know if everyone would pick up on it though.

Originally Posted by atmaster

"We spent together at the beach
And the moment seemed so romantic
But then I jumped the gun
You just turned away
My mouth is my worst enemy"

I like this one, I was wondering how I was gonna fit my cumbersome writing to music. Your version looks much smoother. Cheers.

[atmaster]

Your poem is not cumbersome, just a work in progress. Initial drafts are meant to capture the writer's feelings at that moment. You just have to remember that the reader wasn't there, so we need additional help from the writer to visualize and "feel" the same experience.

There are several breaks in the flow, some of which I believe are intentionally placed to dramatize a point. Others breaks could use a smoother transition. Try reading the poem out loud to find the pace YOU want for the poem.

[Reags]

I think the next step is going to be thinking of a few musical ideas, and patching things up to scan with the meter nicely.

Ah, so many decisions. Thanks for the feedback atmaster, anyone else have any thoughts??

[Tracy-Turnblad]

Those lyrics are amazing! It makes sense and you know it means something. Some lyrics try to sound meaningfull, but they don't really make sense.