Living Dream... comment please

[Mike...18]

comment and let me know what u think... thanks


I’m walking a fine line
In my sleep
I see the end
It looks so deep
This dream just may become
My reality

A loss of air in my lungs
I think its time to pass on
A new life waits
The white light
It doesn’t seem to fade

Here it comes
Your hand reaching for me
When we meet at the eye
You will see the fear
That lies deep within
And the screams begin

Breathing hard
My lungs fill with air
Back on this earth
And my dreams become fears

[atmaster]

The beginning appears to be just clichés strung together. While U2 was able to create a hit song with the same motif ("With Or Without You"), I struggled to connect with the subject of your poem. My recommendation would be to change the style of your poem to emulate the ending and modify some verses to help the reader to "see" what you're "seeing".

[Jester]

Some of the best songs don't have the listener knowing exactly what's going on.

[music fanatic]

I think it's good but i'm a little confused about what it means. If you added more detail about whats going on, and have it almost be an entire story with a begin middle and end it would be great. Right now, it kind of just drifts on without an end, making it unclear what your trying to comunicate in these lyrics. If you want to have it still give off questions to the listener at the end, I think you should still have a deffined end or cliff hanger. I hope this gave you some idea's, good luck!

[Jester]

it sounds more like a poem than lyrics to me...

Maybe if you spoke them over soft music (think Private Investigations by Dire Straits) rather than sung them it'd sound better.

[lyricsfromtheheart]

i kind of liked it. but it was kinda a little boring and there was no great hook but after rereading it i got the meaning. great job!