my first song! tips plz?

Hey,
Ive been playin guitar for 5 years now and now that Im studying music I thought it was about time I tried writing a song. Its about a day (yesterday) I spent in my flat alone when everyone was away.
Here it is, feel free to rip it to pieces:

This Old View

Stuck in these four walls,
Time passes slow,
Staring out the window,
But Im still bored.

But I know,
This will change.

Gotta get out more,
Do something new,
Im sick to the back teeth
Of this old view,

But I know,
This will change.

Things will get better,
They always do,
At least thats what I read,
Just hope it's true,
Things will get better,
They always do,
Just gotta hold out,
And make it through.

make it through...

Dude, was that supposed to be deep?
To be offensive, but WOW!!
You MUST be bored to write that shit.
Ahahahahahahahaha, wow. Sell that to Disney, you'd make a peso.

[lilromeozgal]

(guitar guy) despite what theese people say/think .......... i fink dat was a lovely song but it sounded like a poem cause it ryhmed a bit but i finkit waz great keep it up !lol i soumnd lilke a teacher now

you got your concept down, all you gotta do is let loose a bit and put in a little more creativity, but thats me

Originally Posted by guitar_guy123

Hey,
Ive been playin guitar for 5 years now and now that Im studying music I thought it was about time I tried writing a song. Its about a day (yesterday) I spent in my flat alone when everyone was away.
Here it is, feel free to rip it to pieces:

This Old View

Stuck in these four walls,
Time passes slow,
Staring out the window,
But Im still bored.

But I know,
This will change.

Gotta get out more,
Do something new,
Im sick to the back teeth
Of this old view,

But I know,
This will change.

Things will get better,
They always do,
At least thats what I read,
Just hope it's true,
Things will get better,
They always do,
Just gotta hold out,
And make it through.

make it through...

its quite gd but the lyrics r short nd theres 2 much ryming
also u shud talk about wats goin on a bit mre nd not b so depressed

man that sucks
ur all moany nd depressed nd its not even deep

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Chorus
Things were quite good the other day.
Things were ok before she misbehaved,
But that’s the other day.

Verse 1
She hears a guitar in the night,
Wakes up gets out of bed it’s not a pretty sight.
She’s fallen out with her boyfriend had a row ands a bit of a fight,
it’s all over now but things just don’t seem quite right

Because she’s still hung-over
And she’s feeling guilty
After one night with his best friend its turning into a bit of a filthy………cliche

Chorus
Things were quite good the other day.
Things were ok before she misbehaved,
But that’s the other day.

Verse2
She told him that she loved him just before she started to cry,
He told her that he hated her
She said she didn’t know why,
What a fuc*in lie.

Chorus
Things were quite good the other day.
Things were ok before she misbehaved,
But that’s the other day.

Originally Posted by guitar_guy123

Hey,
Ive been playin guitar for 5 years now and now that Im studying music I thought it was about time I tried writing a song. Its about a day (yesterday) I spent in my flat alone when everyone was away.
Here it is, feel free to rip it to pieces:

This Old View

Stuck in these four walls,
Time passes slow,
Staring out the window,
But Im still bored.

But I know,
This will change.

Gotta get out more,
Do something new,
Im sick to the back teeth
Of this old view,

But I know,
This will change.

Things will get better,
They always do,
At least thats what I read,
Just hope it's true,
Things will get better,
They always do,
Just gotta hold out,
And make it through.

make it through...

I PERSONALLY THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO HARD TO SING WHAT YOU THINK PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR F THAT DUDE JUST SING WHAT YOU REALLY THINK AND FEEL, IN WORDS THAT YOU WANT TO USE NOT ONES THAT ARE REAL BIG AND SOUND COOL

it's to simple you need to put some more creativeness in it
when you write you should think of a story or a place cause honestly no one wants to hear about your feelings just something different beacause when you I think about it I've heard lines like that from other songs
good luck