THE WORD - LA PALABRA (English - Spanish)

[mexico62]

This is my first attempt to write a poem in english that rhymes, hope is O.K, but any correction is welcome.
I made an adaptation so de translation is not direct from one to other language, there are some differences.

THE WORD

My heart is searching for a Word
I cannot find it cause it was for the two of us
Since you left me to go around the world
That word is lost among notes, dreams and thoughts.

I won´t be able to pronounce it, if you won´t hear,
Because that word I used to say only for you.
I know it will never come back to my lips
And now I'm certain, that neither will you.

(Thanks to Frankie Jasmine and Doug Denslowe, for helping in corrections).


LA PALABRA.

Mi corazón busca una palabra
y no puedo encontrarla,
desde que partiste quedó olvidada
entre apuntes y papeles en blanco.

No podré pronunciarla de nuevo
porque era solo para ti
yo sé que nunca volverá,
tú tampoco.

[Frankie Jasmine]

@mexico62: Very, very nice poem. I like it most because it makes me (the reader) really want to know what that word is! (Don't ever tell it!!) That is the beauty of the poem and why it attracts. At least for a woman . . . it makes her wonder, 'What is that word?' and 'Does my sweetheart feel that way about me?' One woman's opinion... And I like it very much.

Because you requested, there are the slight changes I'd make, for it to flow better in English. You wrote:

I know it will never to my lips come back
And now I´m certain, that you neither will do.

I would change it slightly to:

I know it will never come back to my lips
And now I'm certain, that neither will you.

It is OK to rhyme "you" with "you," if need be. It flows more naturally in English than the line ending in "do."

But do I get your meaning correctly?
Do you mean 'neither the word nor the woman will come back to your lips'?
Or do you mean: 'I know it will never come back to my lips and neither will you hear it again'??

_ _ _ _ _

THE SPANISH: I do not know Spanish. But like Turkish, I can read it aloud or in my mind (that is, I can "hear it, without understanding the meaning").

I like the sound of it and briefness in Spanish. I like the use of "en blanco" and the way the poem ends with fewer words than English, with "tú tampoco." The 'sound' of it is nice.

[Doug Denslowe]

I agree with Frankie,only have another possible option.Last line could also read;And now I'm certain,that neither will do.Leaving out the word"you".Depending on the meaning you had in mind,either choice works,rhyme wise.So......that's my only suggestion.Frankie poses the question:How did you mean it?I know it's hard in English,so don't sweat if you can't figure it out right away.Take your time,when you have an answer,change it,or don't.It's up to you.P.S.I like Frankie's suggestion better than mine,I was just trying to give another choice.

[Frankie Jasmine]

Agreed. Take your time in deciding even IF you want to make any changes. If you DO want to, it doesn't have to be immediate.
Americans are notorious for problems with their own language anyway. (Everyone--please forgive me for speaking the truth).
But I admire you for your work in another language--English--and wish you great success at it!


Also, mexico62, Please Note: Your line "I know it will never to my lips come back" is fine as is.
As a matter of fact, I have often phrased lines this way on purpose--it has an older or romantic feel.
The change I made on that line makes it sound more modern, but less poetic/romantic, I think.

[mexico62]

Hi F. J., thanks for your comments, I´ve just done the corrections you and Doug sugessted me, I know it will sound better now. And in the second paragraph in the first line I changed "in this land" for "if you won´t hear" to keep the rhyme whit "lips", hope you agree and don´t change the sounding or rhythm.
About your question, is O.K. the second option,

'I know it will never come back to my lips and neither will you come back to hear it again'

Hope you can continue reading, commenting and helping me to correct, I´m learning a lot , thanks to you.

[mexico62]

Thanks a lot Doug. I was thinking in the optiones you two gave me, and I agree with both of you, so I decided to let the "you" cause I really was thinking in the beloved, that was not possible her return, thanks for giving me one more chance to choice, as I said to F.J., I´m learning more and more thanks to all the beautiful poems that I´m reading in this site and the help of a very good friends like you, gracias y saludos desde México.

[Frankie Jasmine]

I've just read it. It is a beautiful love poem indeed! When I read poetry like that, I want my sweetie to say those kinds of things to me!!

I like the change you made of "if you won't hear." I do not know Spanish, but I thought that was more fitting with your original Spanish meaning (the tiny bit I could understand) . . . And it makes for lovely poetry, to me.

[Doug Denslowe]

I definitely think you improved the flow and rhythm of this poem.Well done.I can't think of a single thing I would change at this point.It's done,with no room for improvement(English grammar wise).Great introduction into English language poetry!

[Frankie Jasmine]

agree!!

[mexico62]

Thanks to you and F. J., Doug, your valuable help is the reason that now we can read this poem finished, hope you can always be near to me helping me to communicate better in english. saludos desde México.

[Doug Denslowe]

10 Replies on your first poem,in English,you're a Star!

[mexico62]

Thanks to you my friends, we made a work team with you (Doug Denslowe), and our dear Frankie Jasmine

[amaryn]

Hi, Mexico! I actually admit I like your Spanish bit better there, but I applaud your effort in English nonetheless. Keep going on writing!