You say that you have to leave.
I physically hear those words as they sear through my eardrums,
Ricocheting like bullets off of a concrete wall,
But my mind cannot wrap around the fact that
You are the one who pulled the trigger.
Seeing me cry makes you upset,
You say to me,
So I turn my face from you, but the tears do not stop.
Will they ever?
I’m too scared to say the words aloud but I need you.
You were naked with me.
Emotionally naked, vulnerable,
And when I fantasized about you,
It was not the magnificently sculpted breasts upon your chest
That were my desire
But rather the eloquent words that slid out beneath your tongue and into my burning ears
Soothing them like the wash of the tide on an empty midnight shore.
I am afraid that I will come crashing into you.
That I will be drowning out my solitude with shitty coffee at 3am
Writing a million more stupid words for you
And it will all come crashing down at once
And you won't be here to piece me back together.
You are a lifetime of “ifs” and “buts” and I, “whens” and “hows”
And I just want to be near you.
You say that it’s just as hard for you to leave me,
But you do not look back when you walk the other direction.
I count your steps.
One, two, sixteen, seventeen.
I try to number the stars with our memories, but I am blinded by the constellation of your face.
It’s everywhere. You’re everywhere.
I hear you in every Bob Dylan song and see you every pair of overalls.
I taste you in my frozen yogurt and I touch you as I hug my pillow to my chest at night.
You’re the smell before the rain, and I find it so insane that
When people talk of beautiful things,
You are the only one that crosses my mind.
When I close my eyes, I imagine what your warm body feels like pressed against mine on a cold winter night.
I whisper words out loud as they suffocate me in their darkness, wishing they were being heard by your ears instead.
Maybe if I say them loud enough I can envision your return.
You are the most f*cking beautiful thing that my eyes have ever seen,
When I gaze at you, I see meadows of flowers and snow-capped mountain tops and fireflies.
Your eyes shine, golden halos of light, reflecting colors that my mind cannot begin to discover.
I have never let my demons get the best of me,
But then again, they have never appeared as beautiful as you.
There is an entire universe of words splattering across the width of my brain,
But not a single one is good enough for your ears to hear.
I need you here.
F*ck. I said it aloud again.
I have spent weeks re-writing this f*cking poem,
Like it’s a mathematical equation and the sum of me and you will finally be us.
Maybe if I can find the right words you will come back to me.
I have spent weeks re-writing this f*cking poem,
Knowing it will never measure up to what you deserve.
But if I tell you that I’m still trying,
Is that enough?
I won’t give you up.