this song i wrote all by myself and my sister edited it. i would really appreciate it if u would give me feed back. here it goes:
you never know what'ch ya gonna get
just lookin at the sunset.
there maybe a price you'll have to pay
i just don't know what to say
CHORUS:
hear my call
it's coming from down the hall
can u whisper in my ear
i think we're getting near
hear my call
it's coming from down the hall
what r u doing
melodies r whispering
love is like when you fall
hear my call
it's coming from down the hall
look at the sunset
it's getting late at night
CHORUS:
Hear my call
it's coming from down the hall
can u whisper in my ear
i think we're getting near
hear my call
it's coming form down the hall
I agree. There are some nice phrases, but the meaning or message is vague, so it simply wouldnt work on that basis. You should do what i did and read some books on songwriting, so that you get an idea of what you can do to make your songs work better. I bought a book a few years ago called Successfil Lyric Writing by Sheila Davis, which is brilliant, but there are obviously others.
Things to think about when writing lyrics :
What is the point of the song, what is the song saying? What exactly do you want to say to the listener/reader?
Is this message something that the listener (ie most people) can relate to and care about?
What is each verse or section saying? How does it contribute in a meaningful way to the overall message or theme of the song?
Who is the storyteller and who are they talking/thinking to?
Whats the setting? Where does the action take place, or is it all being imagined? Decide, and then make it clear.
Are you using mainly literal language or figurative?
What style of language are you going to use?
There are lots of things to consider, and you need to make it clear, and then be consistent with it.
For example, if you have a line that goes "I fell in love with a girl", you cant really follow that with "But you dont love me". Why? Because youve just jumped from saying that something happened in the past, to talking about the present. Also, youre now directly addressing the girl, whereas before you were not.
These seemingly trivial technical things really need lots of attention, otherwise the reader will find the song very strange and hard to grasp. Youve got to constantly ne aware of whats going on.
Im not saying that youve made all these mistakes, but i can see that you do need to pay attention to certain things.