i just wrote this song and would like some feedback on the lyrics

i just wrote this song was a quick 20minute thing and wanted to no what people thought of the lyrics. i'm looking for some honest constructive criticism here. thanks.

When you lie awake at night,
asking was it worth this fight?
just trying to recall
what it was that made us fall
to scared to move forward
but it hurts to much to stay

If someone gets too close,
you just try to struggle loose
where you stand alone
a mannequin to your emotions
recalling your depictions
of that happiness you used to feel

When you lie awake at night
pretending your alright
watching the caliginous sky
saying your final goodbye
to scared to move forward
but it hurts to much to stay

All the things i wanted to tell you
but just didn't know how to say
all the times i wanted to hold you
but just didn't know how to ask
all the times i wanted to help you
but just didn't know how


I just didn't know how
Wont you please tell me how...
wont you please just tell me how

Interesting piece. I enjoyed the part of the mannequin to your emotions, very deep. Excellent and full of imagery for such a short piece. Very alive. What I would be interested in knowing what type and intensity of instrumentals you picture this being set to. I personally see it soft with an acoustic guitar, and some light drumming at first, while a violin slowly mingles with it, until the third verse when the song gets a more angry tone, with electric guitar and bass getting thrown in, until the "All the thing I wanted to tell you part" in which the singer goes almost full screamo with strong guitar and heavy drums, until the very end when a single chord on the guitar is held out for the "Ijust didn't know how" part. Anyway that is just my opinion, I would really like to hear the author's interpretation.

thanks for that and yeah i was thinking similar stuff wasn't planning a violin but now you mention it could be quite a nice effect (don't know anyone that can play violin though lol) in the third verse i was thinking the same as well and when it gets to the all the things lines shout them but then go softer for the but just lines and on the last few lines i was thinking each 1 getting quieter than the previous 1 till on the last line it fades out completely then a short soft instrumental ending

but i was gonna ask my mate who i sometimes jam with on guitar how he thought i should do it

Twenty minutes is quick!?!?!?!?!?!

hmm fairly ye. why? how long does it take you to write a song?

Sorry man, I thought you meant a twenty minute song is a quick song...


When I'm in a band the songs we write are about 5-7 minutes as we don't want the crowd getting bored but writing them is different as a song is usually made up of different jams over a number of weeks/months...

o lol sorry we misunderstood each other ye this is the lyrics for a song it would probably only last something like 2 - 3 minutes if that but coming up wit the lyrics took me bout 20mins i havnt actually come up with the music for it yet. i have some ideas but we havn't actually written anything yet

how come nobody ever writes happy lyrics?

"Nobody" would imply that 100% of the population and that's not true.

A few people try to write happy lyrics on here but they're usually about God.
It's much easier to write stuff about happiness or love but much less "real" in my opinion... Easier to make up emotions to convey happiness - Look at Westlife and Boyzone and Backstreet Boys, biggest fakers you'll ever see when it comes to being happy on screen.

I seemed to like it quite a lot, nice piece of work ye got here, hm.
Id like to see more of this from you, it reminded me of someone as well. Great work mate, ye deserve a pat on the back, xD

gravedigger of the threads much?

I loved it! I really liked the part about the mannequin, and it's even more amazing that you made it is 20 MINUTES!

Piss!

I liked it as a lyric But where is the Bridge and The hook or Chorus ?This is what makes a song stand out... Good start though. Deep stuff man. hardly piss! as described By D.C.
You have potential man...Keep working on it. Deep stuff. Especially for a 20 minute song... Just think If you took more time on it, Imagine how much beter it could be... Food for thought.....

I really like this. It's well put together, flows nicely. It's tight and creative. Short, but still with the potential to sound lovely to music. Thumbs up from me!!

Originally Posted by creese

because

sparkles and sunshine
and everything is all fine
and puppies and unicorns
and guppies and candy corn

gets annoying after a while

lol Your a Trip man...Ha Ha