"Kind of things"- Final draft, Opinions??

Hey whats up, thanks for checking this out, i made corrections, switching around and im just looking for opinions! one of my good friends raps n does videos and stuff. nothing big he started a yr and half and all but we were chilling just flowing with eachother and now he wants me to do a verse on his song, so i was wondering what you guys thought about this one! be critical i dont care, im just looking for some feedback if i decide to do this flow for him. Thanks guys!



Im looking Forward never looking back, headed to the top thats right just a fact/
im looking forward to what the future brings, friends money cars champagne kind of things, or an athlete balling, striving for that ring/
got my crown i ll be the king, looking for my queen, Maybe be an actor you can see me on the screen/
but who knows what the future holds/ im just a college student going to school, education is the future my mama didnt raise a fool, just a kid headed to class, im only half full time to fill up that glass/
my dreams are up there but imma reach on higher, dont want to bring pain just want to bring fire, maybe my words will one day inspire and dreams is something i can conspire, determination and you cant stop my desire,/
yea im afraid but its not gonna stop me, like i said im chasing that ring, gonna get that gold dream team kind of thing, or imma get em' all Michael Phelps kind of thing, or imma get it fast at Usain Bolt speed/
i can do what i want cus im free, its all infront of me just open up and see, its in your hands and its in your dreams/
do a journey dont stop believing because and then you ll start wishing/
wishing on a star, wishing to be famous with cash and cars. Wishing at the primeres chillin with the stars, but thats just wishing and thats afar, now you're old washed up and chillin at the bar, you got ur a** kicked by life even got the scars, you wanna be a rockstar well wheres your guitar?/
just go for it, you have your dreams what you have to show for it?/
good thing about dreams is that your asleep, now wake up, go out and take that leap, take that chance before youre 6ft deep/
man life is a one time thing, come home rockin' that bling, cars cash children medals oscars and wedding rings/
whatever makes you happy in life, happiness is what i strive, pain is a b**** and it hurts like a knife, i know she out there my beautiful wife/
but im only 21yrs young and you wont forget me, i got it all, you know what i ll bring, i ll be the speaker of my generation kind of thing, and i wont stop til i get a fistful.....Kobe Bryant rings.

Copywright 09/19/2011

Let me know what you guys think! anything i would greatly appreciate it

First of all, from how much you've written that looks like a loooooong verse! Anyway, you wanted us to be critical so here goes: i thought the ideas in the verse were pretty good. On the critical side, i thought the rhyming felt a little forced and (forgive me if i'm wrong cos there's no beat) it seemed like sometimes you lost your flow, just to fit rhymes in. I think the key thing with rhymes, is to do with having the syllables sound the same. That may sound obvious but you can have two phrases which end with a rhyme, but have different length syllables like when you rhymed 'want to bring fire' with 'one day inspire'. It ends with a rhyme but it's just different out of the mouth, and makes the flow a bit off if you get what i mean. Anyway, i may have seemed critical but it was a decent rap. I think if the flow was touched up more (and bear in mind i say all of this assuming you rapped it how i rapped it)

I loved the idea about it. I couldn't find a flow to it though so I sort of popped a word here and there while reading it to sound something like a Chiddy Bang song cause that's what it sounds like imo.

Good job though. Work on multi-syllable rhyming and some word play.

Jfam- yea for reals, im cut it down haha but yea thanks for reals! really means alot n yea i just wanted the truth so i kno what i need to work on going in with this verse. and yeaa my flows really different then most haha ive been big on like jcole and kid cudi the past yr so i think my flows like a mixture of theres. but yea thanks against for the help n being honest

ir1- thanks again, and yea my flows different but when i say out loud i always switch it up, so im making changes. thanks for the advice and yea ive been lasting to a lot of chiddy bang the past couple of weeks so maybe it came out on this a little haha thanks again

Funnily enough, I first heard j cole the other day. One of the better upcoming rappers I've heard. Being critical, his flow's a little off sometimes as well. Though to be fair, sometimes going off flow for a bit can add impact, if done right. I just think, keep rapping it aloud. I once did a rap which I loved in my mind (I wrote it late at night) but next day I rapped it aloud and just thought, this is all wrong and got rid of it. Basically, don't be afraid to change up what don't sound right. You gotta like it after all and you gotta feel comfortable rapping it