The Contridiction

Verse 1:

What she was, is probably what she still is,
she was the elixir to my illness,
the bright light to my blind sight,
the Rachel Dawes to my Dark Knight,
that beautiful gardener to my minds blight,
fight for her, I would, life I'd give,
to the girl that deserved the right to live,
changed my hearts ripples, to tsunamis easily,
crashed upon my shores, searched for protection eagerly,
such a contradiction, cause she would provide it,
with that look in her eyes that calmed down my hearts riot,
her characteristic traits are the reason I stay,
uttering the words everyday that I constantly convey,
but as time goes by, her feelings begin to disappear,
or maybe she never had any to be more clear,
stay forever more near, is the words I wanted her to hear,
fear, for what words would be spoken if I ever did,
now getting rid, of that old life I said I would give,
flipping that off switch on, feelin' to brighten up,
those thoughts that were once used to sum up,
this elusive personality, no more can I or should I,
rely upon no one, because of being so familiarized with lies,
applied with the bullsh-t, that all these girls would so recognize,
same girls continue to keep talking, breath stinking of simplicity,
cause everything your saying girl, that sh-t don't f**king interest me.

-End

Apologize for the profanity, adds more emotion.

this is good but do you want it to be a song or a rap or a poem?? because at this stage it looks like a poem. dont get me wrong its really good just want to know what do you want it to be???
smiley xxx

Thank you. At this moment, most likely a part of a song/rap.

okay cool.. but that verse is way to long.. break it up into pieces to make smaller verses
smiley xxx

Alright, I'll take that into consideration. & Thank you for the feedback.

I like it a lot ! Especially the end. Don't listen to this bullshxt, you wrote a solid rap, not a friggin' poem ! It's rappable and what you say makes sense. Only remark I have is that I prefer reading 16 bars, it's better for you too because 16 bars will fit with most hiphop beats. Nice job.

Dude this is so badass. I don't think you need to change a thing about it. It flows nice as it is, don't disrupt that. Wicked good, man.