New rap, wondering what you guys think

Thread: New rap, wondering what you guys think

Tags: None
  1. flabelfly said:

    Exclamation New rap, wondering what you guys think

    Just wrote this, tell me what you think and be honest. Thanks!

    He walks the neighborhood alone every day
    Hes thinkin to himself, what more can I say
    Hes a genius and everday I sit near my bed and pray
    That he has a future, but right now its lookin pretty gray
    Invites to the game, he declines, he dont wanna play
    Beat up at school from the first day in August til the very end of May

    Its crazy how all his talent is rottin, and goin to waste
    Garbage men are here, please carry em away with haste
    But he sticks to the books and homework just like paste
    Past all the judgement and hate towards him that is based
    Simply on the books that he reads or his interesting taste
    Writes rhymes in a journal, but they just end up erased

    But after all the fights, jams, quarrels and scuffels
    He is crowned the victor, not because of his muscles
    But because he has intelligence way beyond the stars
    Its out of this galaxy, and lightyears ahead of ours
    But every day he walks around all jaded
    My biggest fear is that his legacy will be faded,
    And this is why I hated
    Everyone who made it
    For now he just sits waiting, degraded, almost outdated
  2. HomeGrownProduction's Avatar

    HomeGrownProduction said:

    Default

    This is pretty sick man , keep writing alot. You're very good with rhythm.
  3. flabelfly said:

    Exclamation

    Thanks HGP. I just wrote another one, tell me what u think:

    I hear em talkin all about me
    Snickering behind my back
    Yea Ive made some mistakes
    But do I need to be laughed at

    Ridiculed on the spot, jokes spewin out
    They get me so pissed that I begin fumin now
    Yea I can take the insults, but to what cost
    Self-esteem lowers until its gone and completely lost

    Why are they hatin, they envious? They jealous?
    Or maybe they feel better about themselves, oh well its
    Impossible to tell you just bite the bullet and bear it
    So all you sufferin, when I become famous, imma share it
    The wealth and opportunities are given to us as one
    But the question stands if theres any obstacle...I find none

    So tell em to stay out your way when your walking through the halls
    Show em no mercy and tear down their castle walls
    Cuz you wont take this **** from the dealer no more, stand up for yourself
    Throw the cards back in the face, and ask for a new hand to be dealt

    Tell me what you think, any feedback is good.
  4. jaskailey88 said:

    Default

    Hey man considering its your first time here its actually pretty good Nice subject matter and had a good flow. Just feel its need a few multis and metaphors to give it the extra punch plus makes it alot more interesting because the listener is less likely to second guess what the next rhyme could be. This will come though as you carry on writing. Overall good stuff and you def got potential keep writing
    Last edited by jaskailey88; 02-07-2011 at 06:28 AM.
  5. jaskailey88 said:

    Default

    That feedback was for the first one. The second one I genuinely liked alot I could almost picture the angry tone in the rap.
  6. flabelfly said:

    Default

    hey thanks jaskailey, for the multis, could you give me an example from my rap that could be changed to a multi? I appreciate your feedback!