Little Swing, Broke My Wing

Hi everyone

I just wrote this last night, and I like it quite a bit, but I would love to get you guys opinions on it.

It's about a girl, which I loved, and told her that, but she turn my offer down, and a week later, my friend who dumped his girlfriend 1 day after he had met the girl I loved, my best friend and the girl I loved were together...

That really hurted me, and this is about my troubles, and the many many nights I've been awake, thinking about it, and the times I had nightmares about it, and just genererally how it made me feel...

Hope to hear honest feedback

(BTW, It's not finished yet)

Little Swing, Broke My Wing

Such a little swing
I broke my flying wing
No one seems to see
How it's hurting me

Im am sick of screams
Help me! Stop my dreams
Keep me from that place
Where there's a fading face

So much else to say
But every word is gray
Think I'll make a stop
My local "color shop"

My every single word
Goes away unheard
Non of this was planned
Help me to whitstand

I like it. Can you check my "FlipSyde of MyMynd"

Originally Posted by Jelie

I like it. Can you check my "FlipSyde of MyMynd"

Thx man, I have checked out yours

Hi everyone.

Can somebody else please tell me your opinions on this song?

It doesn't matter if you think it's bad, and maybe don't wanna say it, please tell, otherwise i never get better...

It's a little short but it shows your emotions in every word witch I totally love
"So much else to say
But every word is gray"

I love that part.


Good job nick, I was offline when you posted this so I apologize if I didn't see it!!!

Originally Posted by ShadowLeeSharp

It's a little short but it shows your emotions in every word witch I totally love
"So much else to say
But every word is gray"

I love that part.


Good job nick, I was offline when you posted this so I apologize if I didn't see it!!!

Oh, thank you so much for that, I really appreciate it

And don't worry, I'm just glad you commented

Any thing you think are not so good, and needs to be re-written maybe?

Hm, let Me see...

So much else to say
But every word is gray


My mind goes bonkers when I read a song, like it automatically sets words in my mind.
I even found a melody for your song!! Lol
but this sounded so right just to let you know

Theres so much else to say,
Though every word is fading gray

hope that helped, though like it how it is cause its your own unique style and I like how you write.
I can't wait to see it finished nick

Originally Posted by ShadowLeeSharp

Hm, let Me see...

So much else to say
But every word is gray


My mind goes bonkers when I read a song, like it automatically sets words in my mind.
I even found a melody for your song!! Lol
but this sounded so right just to let you know

Theres so much else to say,
Though every word is fading gray

hope that helped, though like it how it is cause its your own unique style and I like how you write.
I can't wait to see it finished nick

Thank you so much I can really see what you mean, I will go chance it immediately

Your welcome nick anytime it's always a pleasure to read your work ^^

Originally Posted by ShadowLeeSharp

Your welcome nick anytime it's always a pleasure to read your work ^^

Thx

super is unique and i like it )

Originally Posted by ShadowLeeSharp

Hm, let Me see...

So much else to say
But every word is gray


My mind goes bonkers when I read a song, like it automatically sets words in my mind.
I even found a melody for your song!! Lol
but this sounded so right just to let you know

Theres so much else to say,
Though every word is fading gray

What about:

There's so much more to say,
Though every word is fading gray

Somehow I didn't like "much else" in this context. It would work fine if the sentence was in negation like "there isn't much else to say".

i like all of it think its great nice one, and i agree with shadow lee sharp it is a little short but good.
also i agree with Paul Orhan it would sound better if you changed the words there.
all in all, great work keep going. i would like to see some other stuff.

i have just joined the site and would be really thankful to people who could check out my rap lyrics, its not like normal rap about money and cars, it has a proper meaning and it comes from the heart and how i feel. thanks.