2nd rap i wrote yesterday! Opinions?

this is the finished version of the song about the girl...let me know what you think


Today i went on just doing my thing
struttung down the hall lovin' this feeling,
walking under the sunshine of Califor-N.I.A.
Trying to get paper planes like M.I.A.,
Just having fun and hoping to make it big
then i met this girl like damn i dig,
she's acting tough like she dont care
yea i like that and im feeling her hair,
then she says shes single....Damn its on!
We should hangout maybe party...few shots of Patron!
we're both laughing then she says shes gotta go
i ask for her number as i whip out my phone
chatting a little bit and im in my zone
then she says "you better not blow up my phone"
i laugh and just said "hit you with a text when i get home",
she gets in her car and waves good bye
i know we just met but damn you fly.

Chrous (X2)
You're the kind of Girl that i really want
i ll give you it all just let me know....what you want,
and when you're with me i ll never make you feel lonely
cus you'll be my girl, bestfriend and my homie


First we start textin back and fourth
love is a game and imma own your court,
talking on the phone startin to brighten my day
i like being singe but wouldnt mind changing my way,
i always have my guard up never just let a girl in
but not taking this chance can be a bigger sin,
go out to a dinner and a movie, its our 1st date
she offered to pay but i said nah you straight,
and damn this girl is perfect and it feels so right
i dont wanna move too fast but man i hope she tight,
she doesnt mind bagging on me and yea i like that
she got a nice booty and a mean ol' rack,
but stared into her eyes the whole time
she trys to play it cool but i kno she wants to be mine,
and i like that, a girl that makes you work for it
because when it happens....damn we gon' hit,
i just want to take this time to thank her ex-boyfriend
cus now i got her and time is all we ll spend
you and i got together...just the perfect blend,
your ex man threw you out but you can be my treasure
be my girl and give me that pleasure
me plus you means we ll be together
and now we re both eachothers treasure.


Chrous (X2)
You're the kind of Girl that i really want
i ll give you it all just let me know....what you want,
and when you're with me i ll never make you feel lonely
cus you'll be my girl, bestfriend and my homie



LET ME KNO WHAT YOU THINK

......

Sometimes it takes a while for us on this forum to get back to you. I only check once or twice a day.
I thought your rap once again showed promise, I felt strangely like it was a love song in rap. I have to day that I think your flow could once again be improved, what I think you have a habit of doing is drawing your bars out too long. Best advice: if you don't already, write to a beat. Try and makes it feel as though each line has the same rhythm, you'll know if you flow well cos it will just click. Your rhymes good also be tighter, where you rhymes girl in and bigger sin I felt that the rhymes just didn't flow well enough. overall, again you show promise, I read it, I think "if they could touch up a few things this could be good" so just keep on writing, you'll get there it took me a few months to start getting things to click