Stillborn Unicorn- Entropy Anthem.

Please leave feedback on these (fully copyrighted) rap lyrics of mine, I'd love to hear what people think.
This is a small part of a large audio release coming soon in collaberation with digital musician Iddikk.
____________________________

Stillborn Unicorn: Entropy Anthem
_

A far continent's cartographer
starts off from the edge of the page,
Ventures away, charts on to the
center and stays for measureless days.
A relevant change, but never the same
temporal place remembered and claimed
As vessels are strained, the essence degrades,
forever decays and remnants fade.

A force to bend the laws of men but store regrets as autumn crept,
Farms' siphoned starfire can't find the source again.

Too stubborn to quit, with nothing to bridge..
the guild of builders' shovels and picks dug an abyss.
A structural shift as functions 'll flip..
but children filtered summer and split, bubbles adrift.

There's rubble to sift through, troublesome issues..
soon see strewn seeds under the bricks bloom.
Thick root tangles'll strangle the waterpipes
this new angle's a tangent to borderlines.
Natural sanctums are fortified, short of time.
slight source of light forceful life fought to find.
Cats'll strike.. the dragonfly serephim,
bats are blind to blacker sky's benefits.
Sanctums lie derelict, sacrificed leverage
handled like pressure with mal-aligned bevel pins..

Force to bend the laws of men but store regrets as autumn crept,
Farm-siphoned starfire can't find the source again.

Passion's like zest for this barren dry desert drift;
Renders it drenched and with lemon pips settling.

Orchards slept as autumn crept and former strength's a poor defense;
Farm-siphoned starfire can't shine from source again.

Particles bind.. the past'll survive.
There's a lake in place of the castles of ice.
The king of an island now.. fished for a shineless crown..
Rivers are fires, doused. splintered ships are tindersticks.

Orchards slept as autumn crept and former strength's a poor defense,
Farm-siphoned starfire can't shine from source again.

Know that when hope's a nest, crows defend broken eggs.
A dead orchard's fed all the fresh water, No regrets.

We'll avow the here and now'ness
near to boundless years devoured..
wield a plough and yield to showers
clear the ground for fields of flowers

One epic sunset with
subjective smudged lenses.
Once kept it's stuck pending
unending entropy.
Energy enters databases.
fades the paintings...
Memories smell of tapes decaying.
paper ages...

We'll avow the here and now'ness
near to boundless years devoured..
wield a plough and yield to showers
clear the ground for fields of flowers

The sum of my wisdom's an undefined ism,
A butterfly blizzard of summerised winters:
A cold flame, My soul's bait to capture moments
and hold safe till old age will crack them open.

The future surrounds as the view from a tower.
The breeze lent a sweet scent of funeral flowers.
Time forgets the pilots' deaths, drunk doves dance.
Silence then but spiders web an unstrung harp.

___________________
Copyright Christopher Osborne 2011

damn homie, that was off the meat rack.

I would love if you did an "explaining the lines" post. I feel I would connect with this so much more..I mean its already fantastic, I just wanna get the full affect, you know?

Thanks! I don't usually like to explain bar by bar, because it's quite dense concepts and it's hard to do it justice without going on for a very long time. Here's a few bars though to start off. these opening lines are mostly establishing themes, which are revisited and tied together throughout the course of the narrative.

"A far continent's cartographer
starts off from the edge of the page
Ventures away, charts on to the
center and stays for measureless days."

subjective viewpoint/perception and also establishing relationship between time and space..
A cartographer is a professional map maker. Historically, the center of a map is almost always the place which it's map maker wanted to be seen as most important. By starting at the edge of the blank paper and travelling to remain at the centre point, the map maker here is viewing the journey's end point as most important, and tying the journey into his life's work by making the map as he goes. "Measureless days" because map maker measures space, time's passing had always been irrelevant to it.

"A relevant change, but never the same
temporal place remembered and claimed
As vessels are strained, the essence degrades,
forever decays and remnants fade"

'temporal place' meaning a place and a moment. with reaching the end point of his spacial journey and now only moving through time, getting older, memories of places visited on route will become more distant. introduces the core theme of entropy. new memories can be created, but they're always moving toward a state of being less accurate.

"A force to bend the laws of men but store regrets as autumn crept,
Farms' siphoned starfire can't find the source again."

peoples laws can be broken but laws of nature cannot. when set against each other, laws of nature will win out. the law of nature in this case being entropy. (heat loss, loss of information, move toward state of maximum disorder over time).
there are energy cycles and energy cant be destroyed, but energy from sunlight, photosynthesised by plants (in farms), will never return to strenthen the sun(starfire). that part of the cycle is lost to it, so suns are dying.

"Too stubborn to quit, with nothing to bridge..
the guild of builders' shovels and picks dug an abyss.
A structural shift as functions 'll flip..
but children filtered summer and split, bubbles adrift."

Creation and reinvention. If the builders run out of gaps to make bridges over, but they wont stop working then all that remains is to dig. can be viewed as act of destruction instead of creation, but cyclic as the resulting gap can then be bridged so it'll flip itself back. analogous with social revolutions and natural cycles.

some of my other writtens coming very soon as audio tracks.. any more feedback on this written first though?

Nope. Not from me. It's. Still off the meat rack!!!! Lol

hah. thanks Skn.

I'm gonna send you a PM with the lyrics for one of my other rap thingies I wrote. (Retrograde Infinity suite).
actually it's quite long so I won't be offended if you don't read it. I'm not showing it to many people yet though, but could use some constructive criticism before I take it to the mic.

Originally Posted by _SBU

hah. thanks Skn.

I'm gonna send you a PM with the lyrics for one of my other rap thingies I wrote. (Retrograde Infinity suite).
actually it's quite long so I won't be offended if you don't read it. I'm not showing it to many people yet though, but could use some constructive criticism before I take it to the mic.

Its of course up to you wither you trust me or not but I'm always down to read and critique lyrics. As far as this somethin goes...phhh of the riictor mang. Shits legit. Can't wait ta here it. There's a rhythm that's takes place throughout mostly the whole thing that just rolls off the toung like a damn bowling ball. Props

SBU You are a genius when it comes to your poetry man...Russel Simmons would be a fool not to let you spit that in spoken word at Def Poetry On the real...yeah you could rap it but it feels like poetry spoken word style.The Pm you sent me WOW...I was as or even more creative than this one. you are good at battling no questioning that but this is your niche man..your poetry is out of this world dawg...props with a capital P. you should publish it or somthing. Keep on the up and up....

Originally Posted by smoothtung

Its of course up to you wither you trust me or not but I'm always down to read and critique lyrics. As far as this somethin goes...phhh of the riictor mang. Shits legit. Can't wait ta here it. There's a rhythm that's takes place throughout mostly the whole thing that just rolls off the toung like a damn bowling ball. Props

Thanks man. yeah sure I'd appreciate your critique on Retrograde Infinity Suite too. trust isn't an issue anyways, I'm just keeping it under wraps for now to maximise impact when I release the audio.
(so long as I'm happy with the quality I'm intending to sell my mp3s with all money going directly to charity.)

PM sent.
the suite's 5 tracks long, but to be read as a single overall narrative on entropy, growth/decay/regeneration, change/adaptation etc. via a lot of environmental issues which I feel strongly about.

Originally Posted by SK'nDeep

SBU You are a genius when it comes to your poetry man...Russel Simmons would be a fool not to let you spit that in spoken word at Def Poetry On the real...yeah you could rap it but it feels like poetry spoken word style.The Pm you sent me WOW...I was as or even more creative than this one. you are good at battling no questioning that but this is your niche man..your poetry is out of this world dawg...props with a capital P. you should publish it or somthing. Keep on the up and up....

Aw thanks a lot, very kind of you to say so.
yeah this one (Entropy Anthem) was relatively quick to write..
but I took a lonnng time (years, actually) to write the Retrograde Infinity suite.. on rather a part time basis, stopped for a while in the middle, -lots- of bars discarded along the way, some rewrites and reshaping. not a fit excuse for taking so long though. lol

Sometimes it's best to take the time To write A masterpiece.
You are gifted regardless how long it took. My wife Has been Writing
The same Book And Screen Play For 20 years.. She Has not Yet Published it
But when she does... $$$...Keep. It up...you never know...

Yeah Chris ... Nothing to say except that I'm your biggest fan. One looove !

Hello Ella. Thanks so much.
I would say that I'm your biggest fan too but can't be certain.. you've probably got legions of fans globally bumping your tracks in the various languages you rap in so deftly. and if not, you should have!
be more confident about your stuff, and consider publicising it harder. I know that you're much doper than you realise.

to all readers.. I'd recommend listening to Molotova's audio if for some reason you haven't already done that.

I'd truely welcome any constructive criticism or explained negative response to my work. I'm eager to improve.
pleasssse...

I hugely appreciate the postive responses from my friends here, and I trust them as honest.. but I know that there are bound to be some negative reactions from some others so it'd help me out to hear them, asap.

Uhhh let me think hmmmm....Nope.. nothing sorry man..no words but, Damn!!!!! Them some mighty fine lyrics home skillet.....lol

As far as Molo, yeah....She's got Skills on the real...Love it..

ATL's only rapping chick, and I get loooove from my brothers. Hahaa, thanks for the love, I love you all equally.

Originally Posted by Molotova

ATL's only rapping chick, and I get loooove [...]

lol. yeah obviously you're highly attractive but my admiration of your tracks is based purely on your skills, for real.

Don't flatter me too much, I'd might wanna marry u since u're European too.

Originally Posted by Molotova

Don't flatter me too much, I'd might wanna marry u since u're European too.

oh for sure..

Ey Sk'n, I do n't s'pose you'd happen to be ordained to perform marrages eh?
we could do the whole ceremony freestyle, to beats.

it'd be dope.