Dead Hearts Don't Beat

A weird, rock thing in B flat minor. The soundtrack is done, but I'm not sure I want to release it.

Dead Hearts Don't Beat - Copyright © RobberBaron Enterprises 2011

[Verse]

Waking up in pieces,
I broke myself apart,
To keep the pain from staying whole,
And poisoning my heart

Lost my sense of judgement.
And lost my freedom too,
Faking now just who I am,
All because of you

[Pre-Chorus]

Oh, there's nothing else that I can do,
But this much I know

[Chorus]

I fell dead on my feet,
Who knew blood was so sweet?
But I know dead hearts, don't beat now, no-oh

Only the pain going round my veins,
And finding even stranger ways,
To torture me down to defeat,
Cos now I know for certain dead hearts don't beat

[Verse]

Pounding like a rhythm,
Beating like a drum,
Echoes in my bloody ears,
To prove what I've become

Every step I take,
The whispers in my head,
Tell me now if I don't change,
I will wake up dead

[Pre-Chorus]

Oh, there's nothing else that I can do,
But this much I know

[Chorus]

I fell dead on my feet,
Who knew blood was so sweet?
But I know dead hearts, don't beat now, no-oh

Only the pain going round my veins,
And finding even stranger ways,
To torture me down to defeat,
Cos now I know for certain dead hearts

[Bridge]

Kill me softly, sweetly, just don't touch my heart,
Death will not defeat me, before I fall apart,
Just want you to know how, I fell, back into the dark,
A never ending dream,
The beating of my heart, oh-oh

[Chorus]

I fell dead on my feet,
Who knew blood was so sweet?
But I know dead hearts, don't beat now, no-oh

Only the pain going round my veins,
And finding even stranger ways,
To torture me down to defeat,
Cos now I know for certain

I fell dead on my feet,
Who knew blood was so sweet?
But I know dead hearts, don't beat now, no-oh

Only the pain going round my veins,
And finding even stranger ways,
To torture me down to defeat,
Cos now I know for certain dead hearts don't beat

Every time I take a look at someone's work, I try to think of it as a listener of the song, music and all. The one suggestion I can manage to come up with is in regards to the last line of the 2nd verse. The way it's written now is:

Every step I take,
The whispers in my head,
Tell me now if I don't change,
I will wake up dead

Although it's good as written, I would suggest turning the last line into I will one day wake up dead just to help the line fit in to the flow of the rest of the verse. I'm not sure how the music goes behind the lyrics, but this is the one thing that I can find that could help the flow a bit. Other than that, it looks pretty good. Keep it up!