Lone Star

hey, i'm new around here, my band have asked me to start writing lyrics again, so i'd like some opinions on my first attempt in a while. I'm a regular at MX (SputnikMusic) but everyone on the lyrics forum just says: "Yea, really good, i really liked (random line they probably don't like), if you've got time could you crit my latest song, thnx" so I can never get an honest opinion. So please be brutally honest (It's set to a pretty heavy rock intro and verse, then the chorus goes quiet with a melodic bassline and vocal harmony, just setting the scene )

Verse 1:

find me in the garden at gethsemane
where angel's weep and saviors flee
there i will contemplate the entirity
of solitude and exile

Chorus:

Star alone in world and sky
alone among billions you cry
Star alone in space and time
fall to earth so you can be mine

Verse 2:

Struck down by ares on the areopagus
my mighty heart bleeds for no-one
transcending space and time, i no longer live
i simply exist

Oh Lonely god


Whew that's a long post, oh well, thanks for reading :thumb:

I think the chorus kicks ***!!!

it was good but i was thinkin it was a little short. maybe repeat the chorus again, or write another verse. over all i liked it tho.

Hmmm.....it's different......doesn't exactly, in my opinion, communicate a lot.......oh, what the hell, I think it's good. I like the fact that you brought in not only religion but also mythology to somewhat emphasize loneliness. I haven't seen that done before. You got my vote, lets see what else you can do!

THe line "find me in the garden at gethsemane
where angel's weep and saviors flee" doesn't make much sense to me. Why are saviors fleeing in gethsemane? Gethsemane is where jesus is taken prisoner he's not fleeing at all, infact he is going with them willingly after being betrayed.

i think the chorus is sweet but sorta inconsistent with the verses.

they are cool and have potential, but depending on the delivery they sound like they could be cheesy metal lyrics.

Also "Struck down by ares on the areopagus" sounds cool, but it doesn't make alot of sense either considering that the although the areopagus might mean the "Hill of Ares" it is a court where Ares was actually the one being tried for the murder of poseidon's son in mythology, so i dunno if he'd be the one doing the striking