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Thread: Haiku

  1. #121
    Senior Member amaryn's Avatar
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    I am a nut when it comes to syllables They pester me Let me try a 3-5-3 here:


    shameless sun
    desertflowers sigh
    endlessly

  2. #122
    Senior Member amaryn's Avatar
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    taking a deep breath and trying a 3- 6 -3



    willows weep
    mourning sounds fail to halt
    bitter loss

  3. #123
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    Engine you
    motoring my train
    into blue
    I like the message Rhyming is one of those things haiku writers traditionally try to avoid, as are many other poetic devices such as alliteration. Nevertheless, they have occasionally been used to great effect by well-known authors. The key probably is 'occasionally', or even 'rarely'.

    Thanks for joining the thread, Moon! Looking forward to more!

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    Frankie Jasmine (12-18-2012)

  5. #124
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    Excellent, amaryn May I suggest a more vivid juxtaposing of the two main ideas, more contrast? Your first haiku achieves this better than your second IMHO.

    To continue the thread, this time with a 3-7-5 and a pinch of alliteration:

    evergreen
    hopes of lavender lilies
    in the frost also

  6. #125
    Senior Member amaryn's Avatar
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    See what I can do, O.I. Have to get some energy: eating first

    toddlers sob
    when bears retreat to rest
    prolonged frost
    Last edited by amaryn; 12-18-2012 at 11:12 AM.

  7. #126
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    anger screams at me
    like a god it kills and kills
    now I am reborn

    not sure if these syllables are right though!!

  8. #127
    Senior Member Frankie Jasmine's Avatar
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    Tomatomic--Welcome!! Your syllables are great--the traditional English 5 - 7 - 5 syllabic form!

    WELCOME--Tomatomic, Moon, Amaryn!!! All of your practice or fun or serious haiku are welcome here!! We're practicing too!

    If you want to, you may join a game that OrchestraInside started--that is, taking the last line of the previous haiku/senryu, to begin your own. Then the next person takes your ending to start his/her haiku. If playing this game, PLEASE PUT YOUR THIRD LINE WORDS IN BOLD, so we can easily continue with the game.

    However, your own personal haiku are welcomed with open arms and hearts . . . so please submit all of those too!! Any questions, just speak up.

    ------------

    Continuing with the game:

    In the frost also
    Rests the promised blooms of spring
    Urging to burst forth

  9. #128
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    anger screams at me
    like a god it kills and kills
    now I am reborn
    A very nice 5-7-5 as Frankie said. Nice and strong!

  10. #129
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    Urging to burst forth
    Phoenixes in human flesh
    slumber on

  11. #130
    Senior Member Frankie Jasmine's Avatar
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    Slumber on
    Amber glowing harvest moon
    Lighting dark paths

  12. #131
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    Lighting dark paths
    love meanders through the soul
    whispers in the light

  13. #132
    Senior Member Frankie Jasmine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrchestraInside View Post
    Urging to burst forth
    Phoenixes in human flesh
    slumber on
    Dear OI: This may not have been your intended meaning . . . however, your senryu makes me think of the fallen children at Sandy Hook. It's difficult for us to escape the impact of this tragedy.
    Last edited by Frankie Jasmine; 12-18-2012 at 05:35 PM.

  14. #133
    Senior Member Frankie Jasmine's Avatar
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    Whispers in the light
    Signal intimate moves when
    Darkness overcomes

    _ _ _ _ _


    QUESTIONS:

    Lines 1 and 3 have 5-syllables each, yet visually line 3 is longer. I seem to recall it's desireable that the 3rd line be "less than" the previous lines. Any comments on this topic?

    Also, how could I have ended this senryu with a more "flexible" ending (yet similar meaning)? That is what I am going to be working on next--more flexibility in the third line for the sake of this game, especially.
    Last edited by Frankie Jasmine; 12-18-2012 at 05:38 PM.

  15. #134
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    No, it was not, but I am glad it speaks to you.

  16. #135
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    Darkness overcomes
    naked, we must swim through rivers dark
    rays of sun await

  17. #136
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    Rays of sun await
    dusk woven with simple cheer
    seamless golden streams

  18. #137
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    Seamless golden streams
    wash upon a timeless shore
    ready for harvest

  19. #138
    Senior Member Frankie Jasmine's Avatar
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    Wow! Beautiful, Noor!


    Seamless golden streams
    Converging in the river
    Closing of the day



    Edit: Whoops! Our haiku overlapped. What to do now?

  20. #139
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    Lines 1 and 3 have 5-syllables each, yet visually line 3 is longer. I seem to recall it's desireable that the 3rd line be "less than" the previous lines. Any comments on this topic?
    I don't think it's a biggie as long as you don't make a habit out of it.

    Also, how could I have ended this senryu with a more "flexible" ending (yet similar meaning)? That is what I am going to be working on next--more flexibility in the third line for the sake of this game, especially.
    There is a myriad of possibilities... 'Overcome me, dark', 'Darkness upon us' - remember, often you don't need to use a verb at all, which is rather particular for haikus, and opens up many possibilities.

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    Frankie Jasmine (12-18-2012)

  22. #140
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    Ready for harvest
    standing high, a golden bed
    wispy windswept stalks

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