Frankie's poems / prose / personal proverbs

Doug, I couldn't ask for a finer critique. Hearing your praise and your "identifying" on the "inner-soul-like level" means a lot to me. And I love the "OH, LORD." It's perfect.

And to be honest, my ego kind of likes that you say you love it . . . but you don't know why! Somehow that means even more than if you said, "Oh, I perfectly understand this poem!" I have a feeling there may be one or two who actually DO KNOW WHY . . . therefore they might not like it as well as you!!! I know. It's a conundrum. But thank you from the bottom of my pulsating, blasting heart!!!

_ _ _ _

PS: I also enjoyed a response in "like fashion" to the poem!!!!

last night

last night she came
with a grin on her face
kicked me with her elbows
pushed me from my place
I waited and thought
let me watch the sky
soon she'll be gone
like a cloud passing by
last night I remembered
she shattered my brain
she laughed to annoy me
again and again
I felt like a tiger
living in a zoo
walking backward and forward
not having a clue
last night heavy metal
broke in through the wall
no moments of silence
no, nothing at all
last night
I let water flow over my skin
a fool grabbing emptiness
I just couldnot win




amaryn accompanied by Miss Insomnia

Amaryn, you need to post this separately to show it off as YOUR OWN poem in the Poetry section! It will be buried alive on my private poetry thread! :S Please post it on its own for anyone to see! I will comment there!

Amaryn,
This is fabulous,and it should have it's own Thread!If you keep writing,I'll keep reading!Deal?

Originally Posted by Frankie Jasmine

Amaryn, you need to post this separately to show it off as YOUR OWN poem in the Poetry section! It will be buried alive on my private poetry thread! :S Please post it on its own for anyone to see! I will comment there!

Alright, Frankie& Doug, you talked me over, I'll open such a thread now Maybe insomnia made me put it here,lol

Originally Posted by amaryn

Alright, Frankie& Doug, you talked me over, I'll open such a thread now Maybe insomnia made me put it here,lol

Well, "Last Night" that is, Miss Insomnia, was seeking a place where she felt at home! Where else but at the thread where her mother Mrs. Insomnia instigates similarly-related poetry at ATL far across the ocean??

ANNOUNCEMENT: Our Mr. Amaryn has opened his 2012 Poetry thread, and the poem (above), "LAST NIGHT," is the first entry. Please visit amaryn's thread to comment and to watch for additional 2012 poems! I'll be there!


http://www.allthelyrics.com/forum/po...tml#post969950

. . .





WHEN THE FLOWERS FLED


When the flowers fled
The atmosphere shook.
In place of color, texture, and scent,
Were barbs protruding like hooks.

What was pretty,
Was pretty no more.
No velvet petals,
Just my fingers pricked o’er and o’er
By sharp, poisonous things—
Not flowers’ protective
Thorns, but something more
Insidious that I looked upon
With horror.

What?! No rose hips?
No tight, new buds? Not one
Sweet perfume to make my heart
Come undone?
Not one lovely color
To grace my eyes;
Not one silky touch
To soothe my insides?

When the flowers fled
All was abandoned, ‘cause not a
Remnant dwelt of what was before.
My heart ached for the
Light of butterfly wings;
But they’ll not touch down upon
These ugly things.

When the flowers fled
When the flowers fled
I stood and shook my head,
The flowers have fled.
I stand
And shake my head.



Frankie Jasmine
10-05-2012

Really nice Frankie. Not "nice" coz I can project all manner of things into as I read and re-read. But that's the point, it gives my mind a really good workout. That wrap-around, "but something more insidious that I look upon with horror", I'd say that followed by "not one sweet perfume to make my heart come undone", really puts the heart into the whole thing. Brilliant

Opening line;
When the flowers fled
I lost my head

Even though you use "head"in the last stanza,to me,it's still more organic than,"I knew no longer where to look"
I'm not going to rave,I'll save that for Shawdow Heat,Empty and the ones I love to death.This is okay,but certainly not my favorite piece by you.See,people,you Can give feedback without "raving"about it!Looking forward to your next poem.Take your time!

Moon, thank you very much. I so thrive on feedback.

Do I understand your suggestion correctly? . . . That you suggest the poem would read better as follows?

Not even flowers’ protective
Thorns, but something more
Insidious that I look upon
With horror.

Not one sweet perfume to make my heart
Come undone?

followed by:

What?! No rose hips?
No tight new buds? Not one
lovely color
To grace my eyes;
Not one silky touch
To soothe my insides?

Do I understand correctly? If this is what you mean, I will consider your recommendation!

Originally Posted by Doug Denslowe

Opening line;
When the flowers fled
I lost my head

Even though you use "head"in the last stanza,to me,it's still more organic than,"I knew no longer where to look"
I'm not going to rave,I'll save that for Shawdow Heat,Empty and the ones I love to death.This is okay,but certainly not my favorite piece by you.See,people,you Can give feedback without "raving"about it!Looking forward to your next poem.Take your time!

I am going to take what you've brought to my attention into serious consideration. Particularly the "I knew no longer where to look" line. Now that you mention it, it's a bit awkward. "Lost my head" doesn't appeal to me, sorry; but thanks for giving a recommendation (better a change given with a recommendation than without!). Still, I may rework this based upon your (correct) opinion, so as to make the poem sound more natural (organic!); and because the beginning must have "hook"--not be boring or unnecessary! Thank you so much! I count on this kind of help, Doug. We can't always see or feel the weaknesses in our own writings. You are brave enough to give them.

Frankie, no I wasn't recommending any changes at all! I thought I was just quoting directly, except for just running it all together. Nope, don't change a thing! The way you wrote it the first time is just fine!

You give the best critiques on this site,you deserve the best I can give.I'm a better writer than a critic,but I knows what I likes!

Thanks for clarifying, Moon! I take suggestions seriously, and I thought that's what you meant. But I do prefer the way it is now opposed to switching the lines! It flows better for me. But I did accept Doug's suggestion (of a line that I think was superfluous and boring).

Doug i hope you can believe that i dont just "rave" when i comment on one of your songs but ofc i know why you said that

Frankie almost everything that you write affects me in some way and sometimes in a very profound way as this poem does. but if writing doesn't do that then we should all give up writing or singing. But this time i want to say that i think it just gets better and better and i love your poetry more and more each time. That's not just fluff or ear candy its my way of telling you to not let up!!

You can Rave over one one my songs any old time you'd like!

I think I'm starting to get it!When flowers fled,the beauty left!And to think,I'm a Flower Child,myself!Shame on me!
When the flowers fled,the beauty bleed!I get it,I get it!

You are a humble man, Doug! I'm glad you "got" it!! ***warm fuzzies***

Originally Posted by MoonRide*r*

Really nice Frankie. Not "nice" coz I can project all manner of things into as I read and re-read. But that's the point, it gives my mind a really good workout. That wrap-around, "but something more insidious that I look upon with horror", I'd say that followed by "not one sweet perfume to make my heart come undone", really puts the heart into the whole thing. Brilliant

Moon, thanks so much. By saying "I can project all manner of things into as I read . . . " YOU GET IT! Anything from a individual's (even a child's) devastation to global devastation. I'm glad the poem took your mind to all those places, because whether personal or universal, we all "need never forget" lest it happen to someone else when we could have helped . . . or flares go up worldwide signalling earthwide disaster . . . we all need to pay attention . . . and do our best not to revisit such devastation again . . .

Thank you, Moon.