My First song positive remarks

TESSA BROWN

LIFE AGAIN

When im in school I rule
but really they use me like a tool
those ******* bastards wont know what hit them
when i come running in there house with a battering ram
tell me again what i am to you a clown a poser maybe a jokester
you think your save up in senor when i'm a sophmore
but really I'm hungry for more.

What is my life it happens again and again it happens everyday but when i'm a senor it will rain blood


What is my life it happens again and again it happens everyday but when im a senor it will rain blood

Its gym I see two *******s trying to be cool
and make me look like a fool
they try to make me a bad guy i cant succed in forgeting about this feeling i have
and when they fail and i fail
they will recive a human head in the mail
if i die to nght it will be an unfair death
am i right? i have not even lived me life
how am i gonna see the end? with a knife, a rifle give me ether and ill end it
a bullet in the head it will be the end of my life
ill make sure ill use a knife in a forest
now time for the second course

What is my life it happens again and again it happens everyday but when im a senor it will rain blood


What is my life it happens again and again it happens everyday but when im a senor it will rain blood

as i walk through thehallway Im insulted, untrusted then i just inlisted into the navy
mister davey what an *** i try to pass
but it will never last i will always fail but whne im a senor i will leave a trail of blood
into my neighbors mail "bang bang"
a few days past I have past nothin changed i will never rearrange my future because its
already set first star in ninth and drinking a pint in 12th
im all alone now no one is left guess god was right
I was destined for lonelyness now for the last course
"gun cocked" "bang"

What is my life it happens again and again it happens everyday but when im a senor it will rain blood


What is my life it happens again and again it happens everyday but when im a senor it will rain blood

I think you did well. For me I will review them again and see if I have any other things, but for now here is what I have. I will edit and add more as I go on.

1. The 5th line, IMO I would probably change either the word joke or joker. In fact, maybe try to change joke to clown and joker to jokester.

2. The 6th line to me I'm trying to figure out a better way of saying what you are trying to say. Maybe just use that line to say that the person thinks they are safe as a senior, or to keep that line you can say something like "you think you're safe as a senior when I'm a sophomore" then say "and I'm hungry for more". I think the hunger can give the line a bit more attitude.

3. This may be my thing but I think you can maybe add a couple of syllables to the 2nd verses 2nd line, maybe and attempt to make......

4. I would try to link the 3rd, 4th, and 5th line better. They tried to make you look like a bad guy, but why do you also fail?

5. In the 3rd verse a few lines have more words than they should have like the 1st and the 3rd. The 3rd one appears as if it is having the 4th one connected to it.

6. Find a way to work smoother into certain topics in the song. In certain spots it feels like there was a moment of "where did this come from" or something out of nowhere.

7. Lastly the refrain definitely can be edited. Once there is an idea of exactly what you want to accomplish, it can be done over.

I give you a ton of credit for the lyrics. It is simply not easy. A lot of things come into play. There is a certain theme you should have for one and it should flow throughout. Of course this is just my opinion. Hope it all makes sense.

your totaly right when i wrote this you could clearly tell i have trouble in highschool so i used that anger and hate and i put it into words so thanks for the feedback and i just posted another one called bloodbath if you dont like hardcore stuff dont read it lol

Originally Posted by mix'erup

your totaly right when i wrote this you could clearly tell i have trouble in highschool so i used that anger and hate and i put it into words so thanks for the feedback and i just posted another one called bloodbath if you dont like hardcore stuff dont read it lol

LOL, it's all good. I'll be sure to check them out. And you know what, that is just fine. That is a good way to let your anger out. After all Music is filled with emotions. The song can work. Some adjustments here and there, tweaking, rewording, etc and you are on your way. I think you have a very workable body. Also, better to let any emotion out this way then punching out some random person in the street.

LOL your right
and 100 views yay

Tessa I <3 U

baby i love you theres no one but you
its really true i love you no one can compete
they just retreat leaving the heat
they cant speak your a angel hidden away
dont go away and stay i love you and htats that
your a queen im a rat but were one

I love youuu too<333