Imagine

Had a great idea for a song yesterday. Gonna make a better beat for it soon but this one gives you the idea. Here's the first and second verse which I just threw together. Feedback and comments appreciated on the concept/potential/current lyrics on this. Could make this a collab effort if people are interested, just keep in mind the idea is to go audio with it.

Beat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J07jP4OG4Q4

Lyrics kick in after 8 bars of a 4 count:

this ain't a better world, we're living in the netherworld
cuz people talk like clever nerds but act like they won't ever learn
4 letter words are the most that average men assert
when asked about the state of the place where they were bred & nursed
they thirst for men to burn, but then all heads are turned
as if they can't stand to glance at where the embers swirl
ignorant messengers are breeding predators
to cause wars for the senators like they're progenitors
but I don't vote.. not even registered,
like paedophiles they're letting out early on shortened sentences
ask where the devil is, not where John Lennon is;
he's on the block with a cocked glock while flashing blue & red
but what if the movement held? aww, there'd be music then.
imagine if we turned the tide just like the moon's effect

imagine all the people living life in peace

imagine a world with no problems in high offices,
with no bureaucracy so they actually kept their promises
imagine a world where everyone was equals in,
& true free speech wasn't seen as just being communist
we like patient botanists waiting for this to flourish but
the dream could die if we don't give it enough nourishment
you see the government, they don't want you to know it
they draw imaginary lines, then put us all below it
that's how they match their sofas, & pay their banker's bonus
as toxic to the economy as high gamma dosage
then it's us that owes it, & public spending's lowered
damaging the very things they promote to the voters
& every time we forgive them like we never noticed
it makes as much sense as a Macedonian's sampled vocals

замисли сите луѓе кои живеат живот во мир

whoah, huge coincidence. I downloaded lennon's track onto my work phone last week and had been thinking how good a hiphop version eluding to the original lyrics could be. so yeah I definitely like the concept. I'd be suprised if nobody's done it before though.

I like your lyrics but I think for this piece it might be interesting to more closely follow the mood and some of the techniques from lennon's original lyrics, or capture something more of it's essence.
can't really explain what I mean quickly but anyways.. I think essential to lennon's track is that it implies current negatives by discussing their opposites as hopeful, 'imagined' future prospects. that is really powerful coz it demonstrates awareness of the problems/negatives but in terms of solutions/positives.. always indirectly discusses problems by discussing solutions.
in my opinion that would be the single most important thing to capture from the original lyrics when writing a rap version.
perhaps also a bit more simplicity or kindof 'space' for the ideas and imagery (lower idea density).
just my opinion though.
also I'd consider dropping a short, well known quote from the original lennon lyrics at the end of a bar and then rhyme it internally back through the line and at the end of the previous line, so as to foreshadow the well-known syllable sounds of the quote with satisfying payoff when it hits.

haha, I know exactly what you mean. I literally just threw this together in my lunch break today so it'll probably chage completely, just had to get something down. when I wrote that "like a paedophile" line I actually saw John turn over in his grave but I didn't have enough time to think of anything better.

I'd rethink the song Title