holding on

Hell first of all I would like to thank you for reading and please feel free to leave any comments all are welcome we all learn from our mistakes just putting that out there. I am working on this and in my opinion its on but and want to see others opinions and commenets to make better. Thanks


I keep holding on forever
But I still seem to die
I'll keep going on till
I have nothing left to fight

The walls around me
Are closing
I can find my way
I'll go on trying till
I have nothing to give

Personally, I think this is a good start to a song! Now you just need to develop it with a Chorus (Refrain), keeping in mind the main meaning you want to get across, which you clearly did in the first two stanzas.

Just as an alternative to THINK about (not that I'm sure it's better):

"Walls around me, closing.
I can't find my way.
I'll go on trying till
I have nothing to give."

Someone like Doug Denslowe could confirm, but I think this is more in keeping with the original beat you set out in the first stanza. Doug's a drummer and has a good sense of that. Also, personally, I can hear the words coming out just as clearly with meaning yet with fewer words. What do you think Matt?

Umm I think they both can work. Thanks for the comment/feedback I thought this was not good but I.guess I have to take people's opinions before I.can really say. Thanks

Here's my take on what you've already written,with a touch of the brains that I was given by the Wonderful Oz;

I'll keep going on till
I have nothing left to fight
I keep holding on forever
But I still seem to die

Holding On
Holding On

I can't find my way
Walls around me are closing
I'll go on trying till
I have nothing to give

Holding On
Holding On
Holding On

Matt, I have had the same thoughts as you about some of my writings--they're not that good. But others have brought to my attention that they ARE good. Surprise to me. Those are on lyrics or poems I feel are "weak," but the ATL friends hear something and tell me not to give up so easily. I think that's the same with these lyrics. You at least found them good enough to post. Now you have your work cut out for you. We want a song!

I like D.D.'s adding "Holding On..." to the stanzas. It focuses upon what your role is in the song and how hard it is. What do you think of the revisions given above? You have to think on it and IF you hear music to it, see how it goes with the music in your head. If not, you've got a blank slate to work with using your original words and ideas. Sometimes when Doug would give me an idea about mixing around the words of a song, at first I wouldn't like it. But as I thought more about it, he was usually right. However, I do not always agree with him. Sometimes I say, "Doug, I can't do that; that's not me." However, his long years of experience in music are well worth seriously considering. Those who have (I believe) have benefited; my writing has certainly benefited by his precision. But it's YOUR song . . .

With all due respect to Doug, I will offer one slight--not correction--but option. In order to make an "almost rhyme" in the second stanza, pairing the "near rhymes" of "in" and "give," having the same "i" vowel sound . . . (even the "till" 'i' sound blends):

I can't find my way
Walls are closing me in
I'll go on trying till
I have nothing to give

These are just ideas, matt. Some of us wish others would comment and bring up any constructive criticism on our songs/poems also . . . But at least you know you're being heard and your work is being taken seriously.

That fits in really well guI thank you all for the feed back and the tips. I will post the finally copy when I am finished.

I like adding the word "in" @Frankie
I simply took Matt's existing lines,nothing added or subtracted,and rearranged them to my liking!If we start to re-write it,I'll do more than add an "in"That's the benefit of having the Wise and Wonderful Oz's Blessing!

Will do. I have not had time to finish I will since I have a few days off.