Hava Kava Sunrise

Thread: Hava Kava Sunrise

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  1. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

    Arrow Hava Kava Sunrise

    I don't want to be mean
    But I can no longer see the point
    Of feeding the machine
    It's time to blow this joint
    And find an anesthesia in Micronesia

    Why did I make my toilet bowl blue?
    And yellow makes green, the color of clean
    If that's too much for you
    Just flush and be serene
    Live the meme of the American dream

    Better back up cause I may throw up
    If my sailboat doesn't soon show up


    Lamestream news in league with E.T.
    Oh please tell me what I've missed!
    Those cute commercials are free
    and it's all so magnanimous
    so who cares who pays the fare

    Stop the bus
    I'm nauseous


    The Nation of Consumer-ation
    Knows exactly where I live
    But if I google 'emancipation'
    My id-ity leaks like a sieve
    And the vampires feed on the arterial bleed

    I'm not trying to be mean
    I just can't play anymore....
    Primetime is so obscene
    It even violates the w.hore
    And insurance buys Cialis for the korporate phallus

    'Please rape my mind
    It feels sublime'


    I don't want to be cruel
    But I'm sick of the vanity
    That profligates the gruel
    Of virulent insanity
    And the stink of the disease still fails to displease....

    'If it's too much to handle
    Just change the channel'


    I'm not being mean
    But the rats are running the machine
    And the wheels are squeaking so loud
    But the noise is lost in the crowd
    Before I go deafndumb please pass the rum

    But I do hate being mean
    so if my tuneless rave has made you fret
    Come sail with me and see
    How sweetly the sea can kiss the sunset
    Hava sip of my kava nip and just, be, free.
    Last edited by Teshka; 07-16-2014 at 10:18 PM. Reason: Changed a line
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  2. MoonRide*r*'s Avatar

    MoonRide*r* said:

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    Quote Originally Posted by Teshka View Post
    Hava sip of my kava nip
    Druggie. Ima tell.

    If it wasn't quite so big-words fancy, I think it would make a great rap.
    (You really need to try that sometime.)
    There is no glamour in sudden death, and nobody ever wins a war.
    :
    Rockers Unite! =>
    ROCK 'n' Roll Halls of Fame
     
  3. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonRide*r* View Post
    Druggie. Ima tell.
    u kno u wanna b bwana n mai kava cabana.
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  4. MoonRide*r*'s Avatar

    MoonRide*r* said:

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    Natch. Do you like your tea hot or chilled?
    There is no glamour in sudden death, and nobody ever wins a war.
    :
    Rockers Unite! =>
    ROCK 'n' Roll Halls of Fame
     
  5. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    sun tea, room temp is fine ^.^
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  6. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    I've had thougjts of adding more verses just before the last one, bcs i'm not really satisfied with how abruptly it changes tone....plus i keep thinking about other things that i want to add.
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  7. Eccer's Avatar

    Eccer said:

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    It feels like you're forcing some rhymes... but nevertheless you have plenty of ideas here. Personally I find it a bit jarring because of it. If you want to rhyme in poetry, it should come naturally, but this feels like a cross over from lyrics and poetry. Not that it is a bad thing(and do keep it like it!), I liked the ending though, probably my favourite part. I think you could become much more open if you would just speak freely, you don't have to rhyme in every verse.

    Just my two cents, but I like it though, there is definitely you in it. You coming over to ultimate-guitar anytime soon?
     
  8. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    Ty for commenting Eccer. I did 'force' this in the sense of poetic form, even reversing the usual meter of a quatrain and then squeezing 2-line couplets into 1 line at the end of each verse

    The reason for my doing all of that is explained in the lyric poem itself, first verse:

    But I can no longer see the point
    of feeding the machine

    ....implying that this is a protest against just about everything that was running through my mind, even the thought of being 'predictably poetic' and so this really should not be forced into any kind of song pattern at all. And in fact I even thought about writing it as freestyle prose but I think I even wanted to protest that idea as well

    But even with all of that, if you read Christina Rosetti's 'Goblin Market' there are parts of that poem that can be directly compared. This is the beginning of the second verse which is 16 lines.....

    Evening by evening
    Among the brookside rushes
    Laura bow'd her head to hear,
    Lizzie veil'd her brushes:
    Crouching close together/In the cooling weather....

    I get your point that some of my rhymes may seem forced, but I really wasn't conscious of forcing anything......except the need to be harsh or rough and antagonistic bcs that was the nature of my desire to write this. So idk......but of course I appreciate every single point of your critique and thank you very much for commenting in such detail

    Idk yet about ultimate-guitar, actually I've been trying to reduce my net time and so I can't say for sure right now if i'll sign up there or not....
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  9. Eccer's Avatar

    Eccer said:

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    Oh ok, well that's understandable :-) I'm totally depended on the internet but I use it to my own good...not to waste time :-) Don't stop writing though, some interesting points btw. It's certainly good practice. Keep at it but think about it too ;-)
     
  10. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    Thank you again Eccer, and I understand, and I will
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~