Echo

Thread: Echo

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  1. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

    Default Echo

    Is there ever an easy route
    to dig the hardness out
    kick the can
    fluff the pillows
    and bed me down again
    Angel falling through the cloud
    will never be too proud
    to beg off reality
    and embrace the vanity
    that keeps me asking can it be
    Can it be tomorrow already
    Can it be
    Can it be

    My moon my man
    and his 5 star band
    guitar in perfect tune and
    drums beating out the track
    to the way back

    The nightmare is done
    so why am I still running
    Is there ever an easy way
    to just live for today
    and defy the lie
    that hides under silken sheets
    and mama's heartbeat
    Is it never enough
    Is it never enough
    Is it never enough
    Last edited by Teshka; 02-01-2015 at 11:55 AM. Reason: changed line 8 back to what i wrote originally
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  2. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

    Default

    One line is borrowed from a song by Feist.
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  3. Eccer's Avatar

    Eccer said:

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Teshka View Post
    Is there ever an easy route
    to dig the hardness out
    kick the can
    fluff the pillows
    somehow I wish there was a different way you could express those lines above, cuz it comes across a little bit obvious if you know what I mean, the rest of the stanza below is however interesting. Both in terms of imagery and construction.
    and bed me down again
    Angel falling through the cloud
    will never be too proud
    to beg off reality
    and embrace the vanity
    that keeps me asking can it be
    Can it be tomorrow already
    Can it be
    Can it be

    My moon my man
    and his 5 star band
    guitar in perfect tune and
    drums beating out the track
    to the way back
    The way you start this stanza however makes up for an interesting aesthetic, which already sets out an image to it. You also create a good open last line there, which flows nicely to the next stanza.

    The nightmare is done
    so why am I still running
    Is there ever an easy way
    to just live for today
    and defy the lie
    that hides under silken sheets
    and mama's heartbeat
    Is it never enough
    Is it never enough
    Is it never enough
    This is more interesting than my first impression was. I especially like how you end the last stanza...drawing it out with an echo and a speaking heartbeat sorta..actually a really enjoyable read.

    Now off with my elitetism I go!
    Last edited by Eccer; 03-03-2015 at 10:46 AM.
     
  4. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

    Default

    tysm Eccer and I totally get what you're saying.....tbh I wrote this in about 15 mins and now to me several lines seem kind of trite, but i just really wanted to get that brief flash of feeling written out while it was there. I'll try to remember to come back later and see if i can write a version 2.....
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~