Dalston Night Tale

Thread: Dalston Night Tale

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  1. Olly West said:

    Default Dalston Night Tale

    Jaundice cheeked and a bath salt reek
    you met me in the heart of Dalston
    scraggly haired
    a hollow despair
    covered the night over there in Dalston

    Your disregard for honesty pumped blood around my body
    which in turn totally forgot how to function
    the rip in your jeans went weak at your knees
    as I scratched your fingers between Kingsland and Junction

    Fabricated tales of a palm reading past
    told of a love line pointed to my direction
    you clocked my sly manoeuvre planned
    to plant an undertone that screamed affection

    You interpreted every hazy word
    that goes unsaid but forever lingers
    inside my head a forbidden verse
    recites but never hinders

    Why does every wrong always feel so right?
    Why is deceit never a chore?
    In your hands you carry my plight
    Only complete when I'm torn
    I want to follow you into madness
    Long to lose my head in your lap
    You are the sweetest sadness
    A loveable intolerable trap.
     
  2. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

    Default

    This is really interesting......great!!
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  3. Olly West said:

    Default

    Aw thanks Teshka!

    I have been checking in and hoping that somebody might pass comment on it. Glad you enjoyed.

    Would love to hear some more feedback!
     
  4. +Technist Barrier-'s Avatar

    +Technist Barrier- said:

    Default

    + Wow... I like this font...
    Poetry isn't me best subject but me still likes poems.
    Sorry if I'm too serious in any way (the nature of human beings)...

    So this is a tale for the night, eh?
    oK [o_O]
    Not bad.
    Good.
    I like the part where you used rhetorical aspects in the last section of the poem.
    erm... what's 'Jaundice' by the way?
    Sorry... awkward for me...
    Me likes the last line
    -
    +To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all.>A.France
    Oh yeah, I forgot, and always expect the unexpected. -
     
  5. +Technist Barrier-'s Avatar

    +Technist Barrier- said:

    Default

    +
    Sorry about the 'Jaundice' thing I said above.
    I don't know if it is something westish which might be judging from your user_name.
    Forgive me for misunderstanding anything.


    The young still have a lot to learn.-
    +To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all.>A.France
    Oh yeah, I forgot, and always expect the unexpected. -
     
  6. Eccer's Avatar

    Eccer said:

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    ^ No need to be shy Technist Anyways, this is really great. How long you've been writing?

    I would perhaps put a comma between

    you clocked my sly manoeuvre, planned
    to plant an undertone that screamed affection

    Although the flow is generally good here, giving it a slight pause won't damage it I think.
     
  7. Olly West said:

    Default

    Thank you both for your feedback!

    Technist, a definition of jaundice for you: a medical condition with yellowing of the skin or whites of the eyes.

    Eccer...I agree, a comma does work well there. Thank you!

    I am 26 and have been writing on and off since i was about 16. I haven't really shared anything before so it is good to get some feedback. I'll try to get some more stuff on here this week!
     
  8. Eccer's Avatar

    Eccer said:

    Default

    Awesome, you are welcome to post more!