song our band wrote, could u review for us?

Hi all,

We recently recorded the song listed below. We thought it was pretty good, then I had my girlfriend (who's an English minor) review it, and she tore it up. Would like another opinion, to add weight to my argument to change lyrics if they are conflicting!

3AM Fever - Subjugation
=================================

Verse 1:
Reproduction -- key to life
Subjugation of the mind
Drown out the communication
Focus on the situation

Competition levels up
Kill yourself to get inside
Come here honey let’s put out
Pause your brain and subdivide

Chorus:
Bored out of our empty minds
This gives us a way to bind
Let’s go out, have some fun
Kill the other for your kind

Verse 2:
In the bedroom, in the dark
Body fluids find their mark
Look each other in the eyes
And proceed to paradise

Culmination of my life
All frustration gone tonight
I'll give in to life of sin
Need to do it all again

Chorus:
Born out of our empty minds
This gives us a way to bind
Let’s go out, have some fun
Kill each other for our kind
-------------------------------------

Then, here's what she wrote:

1st half of chorus – doesn’t fit well with rest of song, doesn’t flow with song. Rest of song flows well and catchy.

Lyrics sound conflicted. Get no message. Can be sarcastic, but most importantly song comes from heart.

Reproduction key to life: face value “sex is good”
Subjugation of the mind: contraction “sex is bad”

What is point of song: sex is good “yeah it subjugates you, but you find ways to happily communicate like looking into each other’s eyes”, or sex is bad “it subjugates you”

Chorus not at all memorable.

-------------------------------------------------
so...who do you agree with, the girlfriend or the band?

any constructive feedback is appreciated!

hey you lucky are you playing in a band?

yea - it needs to flow easier u kno .. it also seems tooo wordy or to many syllables or somthing like that ....

Originally Posted by 3amfever

Hi all,

We recently recorded the song listed below. We thought it was pretty good, then I had my girlfriend (who's an English minor) review it, and she tore it up. Would like another opinion, to add weight to my argument to change lyrics if they are conflicting!

so...who do you agree with, the girlfriend or the band?

any constructive feedback is appreciated!

... ...


... as "this" in "here" can only be "read" ...


I feel unable to comment on how WELL it may flow, as a "song" ... !!! ...


However, as a "verse" ...


I sense it is written by someone or somepeople ... or, it is intended for an audience ... who just "discovered" ... SEX ... and for whom, somehow, there is a need to "GLORIFY" it ("sex" I mean), with some "clever wording" ... !!! ...


I guess both myself and your girlfriend, do not belong in that "targeted audience" ... !!! ...


(... it is of more interest to me, nevertheless, that you would "antagonise" with your girlfriend in "this" way, over this song ... !!! ...)


All the best for your ... "endeavours" ... !!! ... !!! ... !!! ...


... ...


.