Red Water (1st post...need feedback)

Ok this is my 1st post....I need some feedback or help on how to make it better. Thanks

RED WATER

(intro)
Your losing your grip,
lifes slipping away,
you dont think things
are gonna be ok.

(verse)
Just put on your mask,
and keep on smiling,
you cant let them know
that your hurting.

(chorus)
Red water flowing down the drain,
taking your anger taking your pain,
Red water flowing down the drain.

(verse)
Well tell all your friends,
you apoligise,
when you are writing
all your goodbyes.

(chorus)
Red water flowing down the drain,
taking your anger taking your pain,
Red water flowing down the drain.

(outro)
Your losing your grip,
lifes slipping away,
the darkness comes
and your ok.

Loved the contrast of the intro and outro

(intro)
Your losing your grip,
lifes slipping away,
you dont think things
are gonna be ok.

(outro)
Your losing your grip,
lifes slipping away,
the darkness comes
and your ok.

hmm... its a bit plain, not much i can say about it

#1 there are a lot of people writing stuff like this, i sugjest that you find your own style. (Ex. Gorillaz they have a death metal look, but sound Alternative, they have all of these enfluences to their music, Alternative rock, Alternative hip hop, Britpop, Electronica, Trip hop, Metal, grunge, death metal, and more!)

#2 i think you need a longer verse, and maybe add a second verse or more.

(im just trying to help, not trying to be a complete ***)

I agree with Liulkun on this one, but I kind of like the emotions I start to see in the words (Needs to be longer, though). And I think the verse needs to be a bit longer than the chorus.

I like this song a lot. The suicide undertones are deep and dark. I do agree that you should make it longer though, maybe double the verses, adding 4 more lines to each. Also some parts are a bit "choppy" to me. Like they could either use more or less words on certain lines. But I know this is just how I read it. Singing it is a whole different thing. Just my thoughts

Thanks guys.....it does sound a little longer I when set to guitar. but I think I should make the second verse longer at least.......thanks for the feedback.