need review fast plz for new song

its about a girl who you met at the fair and really just wanna sleep with and you get your chance and mess up hardcore hope you enjoy...todays special


there she was
standing there
looking good
at the fair
i knew right then
in that moment
i couldnt control it
i let it go

i felt excited
overjoyed
i was ready to comply
then i felt
a sudden rush
i couldnt control it
i let it go

Chorus
i just want someone to bone
is it that hard
to say your my own
im just looking for a little play
come with me, we can do it your way

we went on
the scary ride
she held me
very tight
we walked around
i made my move
i couldnt control it
i let it go

it was all good
until she said no
my mind went blank
and it started to show
i really messed up
so she left
i couldnt control it
i let it go

chorus x2
into fade

yo can people leave some replies plz we need all the help we can get for this be4 we make our demo and it wud be rad for people to leave replies thnx peace brothers....todays special

Hey there! Different theme to be writing about but okies! Lol! I think that these lyrics are really good, however there are a couple of bits that I would change, even though this is a rerally small change I think that where youo have the line "i couldnt control it ,i let it go" i think that I would remove the "I" at the beginning to add more of a punch to it. Also the last verse, I'm unsure about the beginning to it, I think it makes it too wordy compared to the rest of the song and changes the flow of it, i think it should be something more like "All was good, 'til she said no, my mind went blank, and it showed..." This however is all my opinion and you may not agree but otherwise I like the lyrics! It's something simple but effective I like it! V.nice!

Dude Cool!