my song plz comment

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  1. friends that kiss said:

    Default my song plz comment

    Take my hand....
    let me be ur lips,
    Your like the sun in December
    You bring a smile to my face
    Your light up the streets,
    Your like love at my feet...

    But sorry dont cut it anymore,
    I'm cut beyond repair,
    were losing all meaning....,
    its just the song that im singin.

    This is me hangin on to sumthink,
    making me choke your turnin me blue
    The empty space in my bed at nite,
    This is me without you!!

    But sorry wont cut it anymore,
    I'm cut beyond repair,
    were losing all meaning....,
    its just the song that im singin.

    this is nails in your confins,
    who would of thought all these things we've done
    would leave you six feet under....six feet under the sun

    well i hope your feeling lucky.....because...
    the good dont die so easy,
    take the gun from my hand,
    and stay with me tonight!

    well i hope your feeling lucky.....because...
    the good dont die so easy,
    take the gun from my hand,
    and stay with me tonight!.......
    ......Just one more night!
     
  2. Lady_A said:

    Default

    First of all, the lyrics are not written correctly.
    On the other hand, there are mixed feelings that you're trying to express, so i am not sure which one is the messege you want to send us.
    I can't say it's bad, it's nice for the first song...(it is the first one, right?)
    If you take into account the opinions of those who will comment your song and you improove it, it might turn out a good song, so good luck!
    Last edited by Lady_A; 11-04-2007 at 01:50 PM.
     
  3. friends that kiss said:

    Default

    i struggle 2 put songs 2gether....am better at writting hooks and lines not songs am tryin 2 write songs but find it difficult so plz help
     
  4. Spring's Avatar

    Spring said:

    Default

    Can I ask.. what do you mean by this:
    this is nails in your confins
    ?
     
  5. friends that kiss said:

    Default

    is ment 2 be - this is nails in your confin - is ment 2 mean that this is it i'll finish this and end us forever
     
  6. lollipop's Avatar

    lollipop said:

    Default

    I got it now after some thinking, you probably mean: Nail in your coffin

    Here's my honest opinion: the sentences feel to me like a little random, and also cliché.

    Secondly, like Lady_A already pointed out, words like "sumthink" are not good write in lyrics of this style; you are not rapping, so better is use correct words. (i.e. 'something')

    But from a positive side...I get the message, what you are trying to express