you're my miracle.....just wrote it

Thread: you're my miracle.....just wrote it

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  1. allisonnnicole said:

    Post you're my miracle.....just wrote it

    You're my miracle, in anyway possible
    Everything you do, our friendship grew
    You'd see it too, only if you used your eyes
    Your eyes..

    We've gone too long, living like we aren't alive
    So lets start over tonight
    The chances taken, our hopes embraced
    We're just the crave
    Cuz we're each others miracle, not given up tonight

    I've been waiting for you, for as long as I've known you
    It was quick, it was painless cuz I knew it would last
    Oh, I wish we could backtrack and go back in time
    And relive this all over again

    We've gone too long, living like we aren't alive
    So lets start over tonight
    The chances taken, our hopes embraced
    We're just the crave
    Cuz we're each others miracle, not given up tonight

    I've been waiting for this for to long, and I'm not giving up
    I've been waiting so long for this, and I won't give up
    Ill never let go

    (Oh oh oh oh oh oh)

    We've gone too long, living like we aren't alive
    So lets start over tonight
    The chances taken, our hopes embraced
    We're just the crave
    Cuz we're each others miracle, not given up tonight

    We're just a miracle, we'd never give up
     
  2. atmaestro's Avatar

    atmaestro said:

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    As spoken poetry, I had difficulty maintaining (or establishing) a pace/flow. I stumbled across the longer lines and transitions between lines were jerky. The theme did not jump out at me (maybe your intention). It took me a couple of reads to relate to the theme. I'm not sure what the phrase "We're just the crave" means. There are a few distracting grammatical errors that are created by forced rhymes. Some suggested changes are:

    You're my miracle, in every way possible
    My everything is you, daily our friendship grew
    You'd see it too, only if you used your eyes
    Your eyes..

    We've gone on too long, like we aren't alive
    So lets start over tonight
    The chances taken, our hopes embraced
    We're just the crave???
    Cuz we're each others miracle, not givin' up tonight

    I do like the format/layout of the verses and the minimal use of personal pronouns (my pet peeve) in some of the verses.

    Try another draft or two until you feel comfortable reading it aloud with a more even pace.
    Them that can, do; them that can't... memorize Artist and Title