Intro

[I don't know if this forum is for rap lyrics or just songs, but anyways I conceived this as the intro to a rap album. I'm new to rap (as well as lyricism in general). Please give this intro some constructive criticism.]


Thrown through the window, the man flies bleeding.
He falls into the water, thinks the fish are feeding
He's a delirious mess, after all of this
Explosions and motions and now an ocean
He tries to swim, feels a pain in his shin
He can't win or swim, starts contemplating his sins
But then, through the water, he feels a fin
He grabs on and whatever it is takes him away
He thinks he's dreaming, and hey he may
Be, getting pulled through the sea
And then gradually he
Falls victim to the allure of rest
He slips out of consciousness
In eons and no time at all
He's remembering the fall
As he regains cognizance
At least in a sense
As he wakes up on a beach
He says "Lord, I beseech
You to just let me f****** die
Just don't let me lie
Here, or at least lie in my ear
OH GOD I'm gonna f****** die here!"

Now the man lies bleeding
As the sun passes beneath a cloud
And he opens his eyes, surprised
That he's still alive
A few minutes later he tries to rise to his feet
But his leg is dead, just a piece of meat
Nonetheless he stands and sees an island with trees
He scowls then smiles and his thoughts decree
That maybe this is the beginning of anything but a fantasy
I remember him walking and pausing at the treeline
I know this because those feet were mine
He didn't know it at the time but now he sees...
The man knows that that man was me...

At first I found it being a bit cruel (but hey...I'm a girl ^^) but I really liked the pun in the end. The metaphore is quite good, supposing you went to hard times and see making this album as a new beginning, still feeling the wounds you got in the past but being able to forget them over the music. more or less.

what i like less is your flow and rhymes at some point but for a beginner it's really not that bad. here's some little rules of thumb to help you:
- try making all of your lines approximately the same length. not meaning that they have to contain exactly the same amount of letters but the text should (in an ideal case) look like a block, not like a wave.
- if you got that right start thinking about your syllabels. i know this sounds incredibly hard to manage but if you put the same number of syllables in two lines that rhyme, it sounds better. try it. sometimes you can trick words by using long/short forms and so gain/lose a syllable.
- don't rhyme one word with exactly the same word again. if you don't find a rhyme to a word don't use it in a rhyming position. try to change the order of the sentence.
- although your text makes sense (which is already more than some beginners can manage) it sometimes is obvious that you didn't write a line because you wanted it to be there but because you needed something that rhymed. it's okay to do this if noone notices. but in general your text should follow your imagination not the other way round.
- if you're done with all this, start thinking of longer rhymes. one syllable is fine, but two, three or even four in a row are a lot nicer and less boring. also try to be creative in your rhymes. don't rhyme eg heart and apart because ca. a million other people did before. try to be unique and find your own rhymes.


so after all...hey you're good. no seriously i've read way worse things and i like the content (apart from the messed up leg and the blood...but that's just me^^). keep working on it.

luvya

Originally Posted by Luvya

- try making all of your lines approximately the same length. not meaning that they have to contain exactly the same amount of letters but the text should (in an ideal case) look like a block, not like a wave.

- if you got that right start thinking about your syllabels. i know this sounds incredibly hard to manage but if you put the same number of syllables in two lines that rhyme, it sounds better. try it. sometimes you can trick words by using long/short forms and so gain/lose a syllable.

That might be the case for 80's rap but not for all the time.
As long as it fits the song and the listeners can understand where the verses start and stop you'll be fine.

- don't rhyme one word with exactly the same word again. if you don't find a rhyme to a word don't use it in a rhyming position. try to change the order of the sentence.

This is very much correct as it's too predicatable. What I normally do in lyrics writing is have the verse in two blocks of two lines:

Block 1, line 3 end word rhymes with the end of the 1st line's end word
block 1, line 4 end word rhymes with the end of the 2nd line's end word.