Song chorus good or bad?

Ok this is the chorus to the song I wrote called: The Bad Guy. Do you think it's good or bad?

tried hard, but I can't face it
walk away, cause I can't take it
you make me feel, so unwanted
cry from your voice when I go to bed

I messed it up, it's not new to me
you thought you got, it all for free
I don't want to be the bad guy
your the one who made me cry
aye aye aye

I'd turn the 4th line to "cry from your voice when I sleep" and it'll scan better.

you're still at it? Well, the first reaction took 'bout 6 months, so one wonders.

Anyway, I like the first two lines. Got a good rhythm and rhyme. "cry from your voice when I go to bed" I don't understand (neither version), maybe 'cause I'm German, so never mind.

There's no hook line, but not all choruses need or have a hook line.

Bernd

i like it alot
I don't want to be the bad guy
your the one who made me cry

texter-bernd, I'm 12 so sorry if I don't have a "hook line" But I think i'm doing pretty good for my age.

Don't take that too seriously. I just meant it as a statement. I'm 55, and I guess that nearly half my songs do NOT have hook lines either.

Cheers,
Bernd

No offense but I thought it was pretty bad.

thats good ,


please check out my lyrics, please

I think your lyric has great potential with a rewrite. But as-is it has too many cliches and some of the rhymes definitely qualify as "knee-jerk rhyming" (rhymes that are way overused and telegraph themselves).


I'd recommend reading this free article:

Creating an Amazing Lyric in Spite of a Not So Clever Title!

It's at:

http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Bill_E_Watson

Just scroll down, you'll see it.

Then rewrite at least 3-4 lines keeping some of the article tips in mind and re-post.

They say there are no great lyrics, only great rewrites. I'm not sure that's 100% true but close

Tim

Nice chorus, I wanna read the song

For being 12, you're definitely on the right track and this was an amazing effort. I hate to agree with everyone else, but there's just something that doesn't flow with that 4th line. It seems like it takes a bit too long to get to the rhyme, which in itself seems somewhat forced. I would consider something a little less forced, along the lines of "cry from your voice/heart I am haunted". The choice is ultimately up to you how you want it. It may be perfect the way it is with whatever music is behind it, but it's something to consider. Like I said, you did a great job for your age. Keep it up!

Re-reading it, I got an idea. How about this:

I’ve tried so hard, but I still can’t face it
I’ll walk away, cause I just can’t take this
Everything in your eyes makes me feel so unwanted
I break down and cry, it’s like I’m haunted

Yes I messed up, but that’s nothing new
You thought you had it all for free, didn’t you?
I’m sorry to sink your ship, but I’m not the bad guy
As long as you’re the one who made me cry