Actually I didn't have a chance try it with the melody, too many interruptions and always at the worst times. I kept losing track, trying to follow Malikov's Russian and my English. Also I've some problems with Internet or my home network for a couple of days, and it's infuriating. Finally I just threw up my hands and posted, just to get it done
Anyway, your rendition is a much easier fit for the melody. Mine is just wishful thinking, just an experiment. I was also trying to fit a background vocal, like "you will never be mine (or never love me), not ever" as a filler for primary lyrics in some of the lines. So my version is very rough, and certainly not intended to substitute for yours. Again just an experiment, and it was only because I like part of the "vision" that I got from the original Russian text.
That was a lot of words to say something very simple: I don't suggest substituting mine for yours, and it's probably impossible to fit my feeble attempt (as it is) with the rhythm. It would need a lot of work. It was just fun to give it a try