need a proofreader for eglish thranslations of russian songs

For Boomerang, I want to suggest an alternative and a correction:

Why am I getting back again?
Like a wild beast strives after honey
Why do I try to stand in vain
The attacks at me, ain't that funny?

...

As if my former common sense
*Went* away from my poor head did go
I wanna know
I wanna know
My mind is boggling on and on
I wanna know
I wanna know
My mind is boggling on and on

... "Went" is not necessary, because the line ends with "did go" (went). Alexei, your original line is very good

I hope I haven't missed anything else. Also hope this is not getting too confusing for you Alexei, tracking multiple replies, etc.

Btw, whatever you like regarding credits. Your proposal looks fine, very neat and tidy

geeze i feel bad.

i feel like im messing it all up


---i might take a break---

Propel, sorry!!! I didn't mean to make you feel that way ... maybe sometimes my age lets me see an occasional phrase that is a little more "classic" ... I mean OOOOLD ...

Oh no its not you!!

I think that things makes sense when i correct them, then you corret it and im like "wait, why did i put that down? it doesnt make sense"

maybe im rushing everything?

I know that I rush things sometimes, I know it's easy to do But actually I do try to read each one 2 or 3 times, first to just get the mood of the lyrics. But on each reading I like to relish each line, like every sweet kiss from a lovely lady

Yeah, I will try and re-read them.

Thanks a lot, guys. I need to didgest it all and then come again with all things corrected. To let you do the final check.

Alexei, take your time. I didn't have much time on the computer this weekend, so I'm also a bit behind on some things.

Btw, just a quick mention: I've listened to Я хочу быть высокой сосной and I think it's a great song. I like everything about it! Also others, but that is definitely my favorite ... for now at least

I'm happy you liked it, jandros. Also it's the authors' authentical singing.

Also I'll be glad to receive any comments on this translation of Tatyana Korolyova's song (www.koroliova.ru). The egslish equirithmic translation is provided with russian crib

УСТАЛИ СПОРИТЬ ИЗ-ЗА ТУЧ…


Устали спорить из-за туч
Раскаты грома.
По скважине прошелся ключ -
Я снова дома.

Соседи говорят о снах
И тяжкой доле,
А кот, свалившись у окна,
Вполне доволен.

Из печки выгребли золу,
И пол давно мыт,
И все валяется в углу -
Так и должно быть.

И кот, как будто ни при чем,
Проходит мимо,
Его за шкирку я схвачу -
Привет, скотина!

Ты знаешь, что-то мне усы
Твои знакомы...
Шипят в тарелке голубцы -
Я снова дома.



HOME AGAIN

The thunderstorms stopped to dispute
About clouds
The key has fitted the keyhole
I’m home… no doubts

Грозы прекратили спорить из-за туч
Ключ подошёл к замочному отверстию
Я – дома, вне сомнений

The neighbors talk of nigh-time dreams
And curse their fate
I grab and stroke
My fur tomcat
My only mate

Соседи говорят о снах
И проклинают свои судьбы
Я хватаю и глажу своего кота
Моего единственного приятеля

Your whiskers have been known to me
My happy beast
We’re gonna share, you and me
Our little feast

Твои усы знакомы мне,
Моя довольная скотина
Мы разделим, ты и я
Мою маленькую пирушку

The floor got mopped
The stove got lit
I cleaned out all the ash
I let it pass that my old folks
Had lumbered up the trash

Пол вымыт шваброй
Плита зажжена
Я вычистила всю золу
Я не обратила внимание на то,
Что мои родители (предки)
Свалили в кучу хлам

I don’t feel that I’m tired
I may ignore rain
My goloubtsy are being fried
I’m home again

Я не чувствую, что устала
Я могу не обращать внимание на дождь
Жарятся мои голубцы
Я снова дома

HOME AGAIN

The thunderstorms stopped to dispute
About clouds
The key has fitted the keyhole .... just fit (past/present, same word)
I’m home… no doubts

The neighbors talk of nigh-time dreams .... night-time
And curse their fate
I grab and stroke
My fur tomcat ... furry
My only mate

Your whiskers have been known to me ... can say just "whiskers are known to me"
My happy beast
We’re gonna share, you and me
Our little feast

The floor got mopped
The stove got lit
I cleaned out all the ash
I let it pass that my old folks ... ancestors ... old ones?
Had lumbered up the trash ... bundled instead of lumbered

I don’t feel that I’m tired
I may ignore rain
My goloubtsy** are being fried
I’m home again

** Slovo "goloubtsy" has a nice ring, but probably not familiar ...
How about "Stuffed cabbages (are) on the fire"? ... or "being fried" ... either way, I can almost smell the aroma

Thnks, your corrections are great!
I think I still keep goloubtsy, just to make the whole song to be more Russian.
I'll post you the final variant to your private.

Are there any volunteers for the next one?

It is my very liberal translation of Tatyana Korolyova song (www.koroliova.ru) Martovsky Kot (The tomcat of March). The original lyric
was more romantic, I tried to make it more funny.

МАРТОВСКИЙ КОТ / TOMCAT

This spring I’m loosing temper with my cat
She got disobedient, she got really mad
Outside it is still cold
And it’s not her feline fault
‘Coz persistently she has been called

By a crying tomcat, yelling tomcat
All cats around that signal get
And when your time comes you will, I bet,
Get crazy as your naughty she-cat

Ones I saw her with that horny sexy male
He kept up impressively his fluffy tail
He did all things to seduce
I threw at him my old shoes
He could easily nail my confiding puss

I am feeling for my cat, I really am
His forefathers come from Egypt and Siam
He’s got Michael Jackson’s voice
He beat up all local boys
Though I didn’t approve my kitty’s choice

Of a yelling tomcat, crying tomcat
All cats around that signal get
And when your time comes you will, I bet,
Get crazy as your naughty she-cat

I decided keep her home, I locked the door
But she turned to be a real foxy *****
When I woke up it was clear
That my cat had not been near
She just fled and waved her furry paw

With a yelling tomcat, crying tomcat
All cats around that signal get
And when your time comes you will, I bet,
Get crazy as your naughty she-cat

Two weeks later I caught her in the backyard
To identify my cat was really hard
Skinny, dirty, greasy fur
First I thought it wasn’t her
The conception, sure, did occur

Of a yelling tomcat, crying tomcat
All cats around that signal get
And all of us sometime, I bet,
Get crazy as my naughty she-cat

Looking at my *****’s venturesome affair
I would like to hook a loving man somewhere
Handsome, rich, on fiery steed
That’s exactly what I need
One day of the problems to get rid

Crying tomcat, yelling tomcat
All cats around that signal get
And when your time comes you will, I bet,
Get crazy as your naughty she-cat

Originally Posted by Alexei

Thnks, your corrections are great!
I think I still keep goloubtsy, just to make the whole song to be more Russian ...

And thank you Alexei! It's nothing but a pleasure
Actually I think goloubtsy sounds fine, for exactly the reason that you said.

On the Tomcat song, I can recommend 4 things:

1st line: I think "patience" is better than "temper", unless you say "my temper". In this case, patience is just as strong a word as temper, and also a little more efficient.

4th-from-last verse (including pripev), last line: "The conception surely (or certainly) did occur."

Next-to-last verse, last line: Try "One day from problems to be freed." How does that sound to you? There might also be a better word than "problems", but I can't think of it right now

Now, on the refrain, second line: I want to suggest something like "All cats that hear his howl (or call) are set." How does that sound to you?

Overall, I think it's a great tongue-in-cheek rendition

Btw, Alexei and everyone else, since I'm older, my suggestions are maybe more traditional, etc. If a younger or more contemporary eye is ever needed, someone else can probably do a much better job than me

1.This spring I’m loosing my temper with my cat
She got disobedient, she got really mad
Outside it is still cold
And it’s not her feline fault
‘Coz persistently she has been called


2.Once I saw her with that horny sexy male
He kept up impressively his fluffy tail
He did all things to seduce
I threw at him my old shoes
He could easily nail my confiding puss



3.Two weeks later I caught her in the backyard
To identify my cat was really hard
Skinny, dirty, greasy fur
First I thought it wasn’t her
-------------------------------------------------
Sure, the conception did occur

Or

The conception did occur
------------------------------------------------



4.Looking at my *****’s venturesome affair
I would like to hook a loving man somewhere
Handsome, rich, on fiery steed
That’s exactly what I need
-------------------------------------------------
To get rid of the problems for a day

or

To get rid of the problems
---------------------------------------


Those are my suggestions.

Thank you. I took your advice. Looks much better now.
Could you give me some comments on this one:



Ностальгический шарж
(T.Koroliova)

По верхушкам мохнатых сосен
Еле передвигает ноги -
Развезло, растрясло в дороге
Перебравшую где-то осень,

И, с трудом поднимая веки,
И уже ничего не слыша,
Завывает осенний ветер,
Проникая в худые крыши...

Отчего мы по осени сходим с ума -
Это просто погодных условий каприз
Или наша с тобой повседневная жизнь,
или просто у нас обветшали дома?..
Может, стоит зайти в придорожный трактир -
Там какой-то несвойственный ажиотаж -
Это пьяная осень рисует на мир
Ностальгический шарж!

А потом наконец уймется,
Пеленою глаза затянет,
И стоят города в тумане,
И не могут увидеть солнце.

И в тревоге зайдется сердце
В отступлении злого зелья,
В ожиданье наутро бедствий
Разрушительного похмелья

И опять закружится гнилая листва -
Это просто погодных условий каприз
Или наша с тобой повседневная жизнь,
А у осени спьяну болит голова,
И под вечер, застыв у проема окна,
Заштрихует его непростой карандаш -
Это осень с похмелья рисует на нас
Ностальгический шарж...


NOSTALGIC CARTOON

By the tops of the fluffy pine-trees
Having drunk half a pint of vodka
Yellow fall has been hitchhiking
Tryin’ to stop speeding up by the road cars
Hardly lifting his heavy eye-lids
A cold wind, her drinking buddy
Has been howling his boozy top hits
On the roads that are wet and muddy


Why on Earth are we getting crazy in falls?
Is it just a weather conditions’ caprice?
Or just our boring daily routine
Or just our old ramshackle homes
Should we get to a cheap working-class roadhouse?
Joining that alien rush in the late afternoon
It’s the drunk autumn has been drawing of us
A nostalgic cartoon!

All the rush will finally calm down
Misty veils will blind our eyeballs
All the towns will get foggy
And the Sun won’t light their grey walls
Then you’ll feel your strong heart beating
As you get a little sober
Waiting for the morning disasters
Brought by that distractive hangover!


Then again a strong gust will lift up rotten leaves
Is it just a weather conditions’ caprice?
Or just our boring daily routine?
Or the fall after benders has her headache?
By the windows somebody may walk in the night
Sprinkling drizzles on the glass till the sunless forenoon
It’s the drunk autumn had been drawing of us
A nostalgic cartoon!

Here is one more. The song was written by a N1 Russian rock musician in the very end of 1980-s. At the end of Communist time. A kind of Russian Dylan's "Time-a-changin"". U might love it.


TRAIN IN FLAME \ ПОЕЗД В ОГНЕ

B. Grebenshchikov
English version by A. Markov


Полковник Васин приехал на фронт со своей молодой женой
Полковник Васин созвал свой полк и сказал им «Пойдём домой!»
Colonel Vasin approached a frontline with his young and beautiful half
Colonel Vasin called his regiment and told them: “That’s all. Enough!”

Ведём войну уже семьдесят лет, нас учили, что жизнь это бой
По новым данным разведки, мы воевали сами с собой
We have been fighting for seventy years, we’ve been taught: Live is a fight
But our reconnaissance gave a report: We fought ourselves. It’s the light!

Я видел генералов. Они пьют и едят нашу смерть.
I saw the greedy generals. Our blood and gore they wish.
Их дети сходят с ума от того, что им нечего больше хотеть.
Their offsprings are getting crazy, being placed to a golden niche

А земля лежит в ржавчине. Церкви смешались с золой.
Our ploughs are getting rusty. The churches have mixed with the ash.
Если мы хотим, чтобы было, куда вернуться, время вернуться домой!
It’s just the time to get back home, other places we have to nash.


Chorus:
Этот поезд в огне. И нам не на что больше жать.
Our train is in flame, front the tunnel we see no ray
Этот поезд в огне. И нам некуда больше бежать
Our train is in flame, nowhere to run away,
Эта земля была наша, пока мы не увязли в борьбе.
This land was our asset, until we got tied up with that bloody fight
Она умрёт, если будет ничьей, пора вернуть эту землю себе!
The land will die if we don’t take it back. Let’s go, the time is right!


А кругом горят факелы, это сбор погибших частей
И люди, стрелявшие в наших отцов строят планы на наших детей
The torches are lit; the dead ones are rising from their shell-holes and pits
And the *******s who were killing our fathers, are making plans for our kids

Нас рожали под звуки марша. Нас пугали тюрьмой
We were been born under the sounds of marches. We have been frightened with jails.
Но хватит ползать на брюхе! Мы уже возвратились домой!
But it’s enough to crawl on our bellies. Our train got back to its rails!

(Chorus)

The list one might better be:

We must get the right rails!

Hey Alexei. I'm behind on my "computer work", sorry! Yes I do like this song, even in a more literal translation ... or maybe especially the more literal? ...

This time, becasue of the length of the lines, I'll highlight certain phrases, and then put my suggestions just below each verse. Also note, 2nd verse, "live" should be "life" ...

Originally Posted by Alexei

TRAIN IN FLAME \ ПОЕЗД В ОГНЕ

B. Grebenshchikov
English version by A. Markov

Полковник Васин приехал на фронт со своей молодой женой
Полковник Васин созвал свой полк и сказал им «Пойдём домой!»
Colonel Vasin approached a frontline with his young and beautiful half
Colonel Vasin called his regiment and told them: “That’s all. Enough!”

... or "arrived on the front"? ... "Colonel" directs the mind to a military scene, so "front" will be perfectly understood.

Ведём войну уже семьдесят лет, нас учили, что жизнь это бой
По новым данным разведки, мы воевали сами с собой
We have been fighting for seventy years, we’ve been taught: Life is a fight
But our reconnaissance gave a report: We fought ourselves. It’s the light!

Я видел генералов. Они пьют и едят нашу смерть.
I saw the greedy generals. Our blood and gore they wish.
Их дети сходят с ума от того, что им нечего больше хотеть.
Their offsprings are getting crazy, being placed to a golden niche

... just offspring (no "s"), it's a plural form by itself.

А земля лежит в ржавчине. Церкви смешались с золой.
Our ploughs are getting rusty. The churches have mixed with the ash.
Если мы хотим, чтобы было, куда вернуться, время вернуться домой!
It’s just the time to get back home, other places we have to nash.

... It's now the time?

Chorus:
Этот поезд в огне. И нам не на что больше жать.
Our train is in flame, front the tunnel we see no ray
Этот поезд в огне. И нам некуда больше бежать
Our train is in flame, nowhere to run away,
Эта земля была наша, пока мы не увязли в борьбе.
This land was our asset, until we got tied up with that bloody fight
Она умрёт, если будет ничьей, пора вернуть эту землю себе!
The land will die if we don’t take it back. Let’s go, the time is right!

... you mean "from the tunnel"?

А кругом горят факелы, это сбор погибших частей
И люди, стрелявшие в наших отцов строят планы на наших детей
The torches are lit; the dead ones are rising from their shell-holes and pits
And the *******s who were killing our fathers, are making plans for our kids

... obviously a word was censored, and I can't imagine it or relate it from any of the Russian ...?

Нас рожали под звуки марша. Нас пугали тюрьмой
We were been born under the sounds of marches. We have been frightened with jails.
Но хватит ползать на брюхе! Мы уже возвратились домой!
But it’s enough to crawl on our bellies. Our train got back to its rails!

(Chorus)

Excellent rendition I think!

Also I'm catching up on something else, an oversight, my apologies. You can expect it from me today...

Hi jandros

Our train is in flame, front the tunnel we see no ray

Is "in flame" correct here as opposed to "in flames"?(plural)

and

We were been born under the sounds of marches.