need a proofreader for eglish thranslations of russian songs

Actually I didn't have a chance try it with the melody, too many interruptions and always at the worst times. I kept losing track, trying to follow Malikov's Russian and my English. Also I've some problems with Internet or my home network for a couple of days, and it's infuriating. Finally I just threw up my hands and posted, just to get it done

Anyway, your rendition is a much easier fit for the melody. Mine is just wishful thinking, just an experiment. I was also trying to fit a background vocal, like "you will never be mine (or never love me), not ever" as a filler for primary lyrics in some of the lines. So my version is very rough, and certainly not intended to substitute for yours. Again just an experiment, and it was only because I like part of the "vision" that I got from the original Russian text.

That was a lot of words to say something very simple: I don't suggest substituting mine for yours, and it's probably impossible to fit my feeble attempt (as it is) with the rhythm. It would need a lot of work. It was just fun to give it a try

I am eager to see your corrected eurythmic version that will combine your poetry with Malikov's rhytm. I think you were on the right way, cos David Samoilov was not a songwriter, but a real poet (sorry brothers- songrwriters.
I think we might get two versions ready.

Ok Alexei, I'll push it a little bit and see what happens. It'll be an interesting endeavor

How'bout this:

You'll never be mine, darling
You'll never become mine, dear
In my dreams you'll not love me
Neither in real life, I fear

Leaves will blush up the high hill
From the sea the land dividing
On a road, a rush breaks the still
As two strangers by trot riding

Leaves will whisper in red patches
On the oaks* of a timeless grove
Lovers' voices, heard in snatches
Will be fading in mounting coves

You'll never be mine, darling
You'll never become mine, dear
(V2 You will never receive me, dear (maybe too erotic?)
In my dreams you'll not love me
In my sleep you'll not deceive me

• It was my mistake in the crib. Should be written OAKS instead of LIPS. I did it from
Listening, and ГУБАХ and ДУБАХ sounds very much the same. It’s not 100% correct to say in Russian “На дубах старинного бора», ‘cos БОР is always a coniferous forest.

Nice Alexei. I might only want to change the last lines in the verses (not including chorus) ...

As two strangers by trot riding: by trot is hard to fit in a pleasing way ... maye a metaphor of some kind?

Will be fading in mounting coves: you mean mountain coves? ... or maybe shadowed coves?

This is my "problem", but not really a problem: The Russian lyrics sound so very lovely in that pop version that I get distracted, can't easily "break through" with the English. But this was the version that I ended up with:

You will never be mine (no, never)
You'll never become my love (never)
In hopeless dreams you won't believe me
.. or In vanity of my dreams you'll not inure me
In tortured sleep you'll not deceive me
.. or In the torture of my sleep you won't lure me

Leaves will blush and light up the hill
Sea will shine over a higher divide
On a road, a rush breaks the still
Two love-weary strangers will ride.

Leaves will whisper thru misty patches
On the lips of the emerald oak forest
Lovers' voices, caught in snatches
Fading on wind, forever lost.

You will never be mine (not ever)
You'll never become my love (never)
In hopeless dreams you won't believe me
.. or In vanity of my dreams you'll not inure me
In tortured sleep you'll not deceive me
.. or In the torture of my sleep you won't lure me

I fell much the same about English lyrics. Almost all of it sounds to me very nice, I can see much better the weak points of Russian texts.

The second lyrics of yours is both poetic and eurythmic. The line about horce-riders is very romantic. I dont think that original TROT was a methaphor. BY TROT - РЫСЬЮ was in russian variant a phyphm for ЛИСТЬЯ.
But RYS' (PЫСЬ) in Russian sounds much nicier, cos it's not just a way of riding, but also a LYNX.

The only thing I worry - Is it vоcal enough? It seems to me some words have to be changed just to make them more singable. Mabe to inbuild more vowels.
I'll think and come back with my proposals.

And once again, I really like how you do it in a more poetic way.

Originally Posted by jandros

Алехей, не за что, always glad to help

In "Christmas Lullaby"

Thru the night we're gonna sing our merry carols
Our funny toys are gonna come to life
You are gonna find a yummy ginger biscuit
Teddy Bear’s gonna dance and play the fife
Under the pillow you will find a yummy biscuit
Teddy Bear’s gonna dance and fife

Sorry, I think you missed these.

Thanks Ab

Alexei, I think I understand about wanting more vowels. But whatever you can come up with, I'll probably learn something from it...

Thank you all for your ideas and remarks. Jandreos, how about this one. I tried to use all your ideas, but make it a little bit more vocal.

You will never be mine. No, never
You will never be mine. Вelieve me
Never ever be mine. Never
In my sleep you'll not deceive me

Leaves will blush and light up the hill
Land and sea for good dividing
On a road, a rush breaks the still
Like love-weary strange horse riders

Oaks will whisper thru misty patches
On the lips of the emerald forest
Lovers' voices, caught in snatches
Fading in the shady mountain coves

You will never be mine. No, never
In my dreams you'll not inure me
In my sleep you'll not deceive me
In my dreams you will not lure me

I've read your last rendition a few times, but also your first rendition again. And I've also been considering "trot" and "lynx", because actually that's a really good metaphor, at least in my mind. So what do you think about one small change below, in darkred? If you don't like it, ignore it. Just go with "trot", as you had it before.

But this is what I want to recommend now: A blend of your first liberal rendition and your last. I've tried to mix-and-match certain combinations of the two ... so how about this? New changes in blue and dark red ... also repeating the title, just so we can remember where we are ...
___

ТЫ МОЕЙ НИКОГДА НЕ БУДЕШЬ \ YOU”LL NEVER BE MINE

Dmitrii Malikov...

You’re not gonna be beside me
We’re not gonna be together
You’re having a steep climb uphill
And I am falling thru the nether

Leaves will blush up the high hill
From the sea the land dividing
On a road, a rush breaks the still
Two strangers, as the lynx, riding

Oaks will whisper thru misty patches
On lips of the emerald (or ages-old) forest
Lovers' voices, caught in snatches
Fading in the shady mountain coves
... or Fading in the mountain coves, and lost

You’re not gonna be beside me
In my dreams you'll not inure me
In sleep you'll not belie me (beLIE' = contradict)
In my dreams you will not lure me
___

If you're getting tired of this, maybe you can just pick your own "best" combination and go with it

No, no... I'm not gettin tired. I think we'll make 2-3 variants. I have to put all these remarks together. Many of them make sence.

Here is another one by Dmirtii Malikov


БЕДНОЕ СЕРДЦЕ \ POOR HEART

Музыка Дмитрия Маликова
Слова Александра Шаганова

Ой, до чего ж до дома далёко!
Ah! It’s so far from home!
Далеко мой путь, далеко
My way goes far
Бедное сердце, нет, не даёт мне …
The poor heart, no, doesn’t give me…
А струна поёт, знай, своё
And the string, nevertheless, sings its own (song)


Chorus:
Сердце не бойся, не бойся, небось
The heart, don’t be afraid! I suppose
Сколько всего повидать довелось
We happened to see a lot of things
Веруй, надейся, влюбляйся и смейся
Believe, hope, fall in love, and laugh
Небо родное увидим авось
We shall we our home skies, maybe
Бедное сердце, печалиться брось
Poor heart, stop grieving
Сердце, не бойся, не бойся, не бойся…
Heart, don’t fear, don’t fear, don’t fear…


Я никогда не верил приметам
I’ve never trusted any omens
Я не ведаю, где приют
I don’t know where the shelter (dwelling) is
Песни мои гуляют по свету
My songs stroll around the globe
А случись что – не продадут
They won’t betray me if something happens

(Chorus)

Небо родное увидим авось
We shall we our home skies, maybe
Бедное сердце, печалиться брось
Poor heart, stop grieving
Веруй, надейся, влюбляйся и смейся
Believe, hope, fall in love, and laugh etc…
Небо родное увидим авось
Бедное сердце, печалиться брось
Сердце, не бойся, не бойся, не бойся…

Небо родное увидим авось
Бедное сердце, печалиться брось
Веруй, надейся, влюбляйся и смейся ...

POOR HEART \ БЕДНОЕ СЕРДЦЕ

Ah, how it is far from my dwelling!
Far away I went, far away…
My poor heart yet feels very tired
But the strings still want me to play

Chorus:
Heart, don’t fear, don’t fear, don’t fear
Now I got all these things very clear
Trust, fall in love, do believe and do laugh
Hopefully we shall have seen our home sky
Hope we shall walk thru the leas of thick rye
Heart, don’t fear, don’t fear, don’t fear

I’ve never trusted all these omens
Neither wanted to own a place
My liberated songs will be flying
Showing people their drive and grace
Showing people their drive and grace

(Chorus)

Hopefully we shall have seen our home sky
Hope we shall walk thru the leas of thick rye
Trust, fall in love, do believe and do laugh

This is really nice. I just have suggestions about a word or two here and there, to strengthen the lyrical flow as a folk song:

POOR HEART \ БЕДНОЕ СЕРДЦЕ

Ah, how it is far from my dwelling!
... Ah, how far it is from my homeplace!
Far away I went, far away…
... Far away I've gone, far away ... ("I have gone" suggests still being there)
My poor heart yet feels very tired
But the strings still want me to play

Chorus:
Heart, don’t fear, don’t fear, don’t fear
Now I got all these things very clear
... Now I have all these things very clear (much better in this more formal style of English)
Trust, fall in love, do believe and do laugh
Hopefully we shall have seen our home sky
Hope we shall walk thru the leas of thick rye
Heart, don’t fear, don’t fear, don’t fear

I’ve never trusted all these omens
Neither wanted to own a place
My liberated songs will be flying
... My liberation songs will be flying (?) (noun used as an adjective)
Showing people their drive and grace
Showing people their drive and grace

(Chorus)

Hopefully we shall have seen our home sky
Hope we shall walk thru the leas of thick rye
Trust, fall in love, do believe and do laugh

Cool! Just one thing: Liberation songs - doesn't it sound too political?
It was not in the original. Well... At least to me... If it is political it changes the whole mood of the song, which maybe is a good thing to do for this new LIBERATED version. As to me, I just wanted to show that his songs are, a sort of, FREE, DARING...
And thanks for your good feel of rthythm. It fits perfectly.
Here is the third Malikov's song.

СТОРОНА РОДНАЯ \ HOMELAND

Музыка – Дмитрий Маликов
Слова – Александр Шаганов

Вот она какая – сторона родная!
Here it is! Our home land!
Озеро – алтарь, лес – государь, песня – удалая.
The lake is an altar. The forest is a sovereign. The song is a daring one.
Праздник – так уж праздник! Ветерок – проказник!
What a festival! The wind is a mischief-maker.
С девушками в пляс, эх, не таясь! Люди не задразнят.
With girls – to dance, we don’t have to hide! People won’t mock us!

Припев:
А я молодой с первой зарей вдаль пошагаю,
I an a young one on the dawn will walk to the distance
А я допою песню свою, песню свою.
I’ll finish my song, my song

Вот она какая – сторона родная,
Here it is! Our home land!
Будет и казна, если слышна песня удалая.
The treasury (money) will be, if the daring song is heard
Свидимся ли вскоре? Свет на косогоре,
Shall we see each other again? The light is on the slope of the hill
Озеро – алтарь, лес – государь,
The lake is an altar. The forest is a sovereign.
Пусть не тронет горе, пусть не тронет горе.
May never be touched by a sorrow

Припев\ Chorus:
А я молодой, а я допою песню свою, песню свою,
I am a young one, I’ll finish my song, my song

Песню свою, песню свою.
My song, my song…

Вот она какая – сторона родная!
Here it is! Our home land!
Озеро - алтарь, лес – государь, песня удалая.
The lake is an altar. The forest is a sovereign. The song is a daring one.
А я молодой с первой зарей в даль пошагаю.
I am a young one, on the dawn I will walk far away
Люди, ради Бога, не судите строго!
People, for God’s sake, don’t judge me severe
Утро настает, и позовет вольная дорога.
The morning is breaking, the free road is waiting…


СТОРОНА РОДНАЯ \ HOMELAND

English lyrics by A. Markov & J. Hardy

Not for sale, nor for rent
This is our home land!
Altars on the leas
Forest sanctuaries
Songs are always sang

If in festive mood
I’ll be understood
No one will prevent
Me and my girlfriend
Dance on people no end
Dance on people no end

Me, young Russian lad
On the sunset
Walk thru the leas
I’ll finish my song
On the sun dawn
On the sun dawn

Not for sale, nor for rent
This is our home land!
Singing daring hits
You will see no needs
Never will get bent

Shall I see tomorrow
Our cozy borough?
Altars on the leas
Forest sanctuaries
May not touch the sorrow

Not for sale, nor for rent
This is our home land!
Altars on the leas
Forest sanctuaries
Songs are always sang

Men, don’t get severe
Wanna make it clear
When the Sun have lit
I am on my feet
Say goodbye my dear

Alexei, I don't know why I didn't see this before ... more than 2 weeks ago! Sorry! I'll read it and then post here again, very soon...

Aleksei, maybe you'll think I'm being lazy but I think your lyrics for Сторона Родная sound great. For the style of your rendition, I don't have any suggestions at all.

Apologies for taking so long to respond, but I explained that a little bit in a private message.

PS: If I can find this song by Malikov on youtube or somewhere, I'll post the link here.

Thank you Jandros. I'm glad you like it.
I found two mistake by myself. Should be like: Then the Sun has lit
and Songs are sung with no end

Oh, yes, you're right. Yesterday I still had a small headache and I guess I was careless. And your short phrases flow so nicely, so efficiently.

I couldn't find this song on youtube or any of the video sites. I can find about 20 videos of Malikov's songs, but not that one.

Jandros, could you help me please with this one, sung by Zaryana:

The song may be downloaded free from:

http://music.lib.ru/w/waganow_w_w/alb0.shtml

ВЕДЬМА
Музыка – Валентина Чернецова
Слова – В. Папивин
Исполняет Заряна

Влетела в сердце навсегда
Стрела амура сквозь века
И выбила из рая под себя

An arrow of Cupid
Has flown into your heart forever
And knocked you out of the paradise, under it

Зашла во мглу краса луна
Ты полюбить смогла тогда
Остановились буйные ветра

The beauty-Moon went down to the mist
You could love then
The wild winds got calm

Вперёд тебя ведёт судьба
Не знаешь ты, где день, где ночь
Не знаешь ты, что завтра, что вчера

Your destiny leads you ahead
You don’t know where a day or a night
You don’t know what is today and yesterday

Так полюбила ты тогда
Ведь ведьма ты, ведь ведьма ты,
Ведь ведьма ты, летать (летать) могла

Then you loved so much
Coz you are a witch, you are a witch
After all you are a witch, (you) could fly

Ужель свобода для тебя
Совсем стала не дорога?
Полёт стремительный ты вспомни свой
А ночью сон вдруг прилетит
Покажет дивные леса
И пляски, дикий вой,
Да жар костра

Is it really, that the freedom for you
Ain’t precious at all?
Recall your headlong flight
Your dream will suddenly fly to you
It will show you the marvelous woods,
The dances, the wild howls
And the heat of a bonfire

Из суеты, из пустоты
Весёлых плясок чудеса
Не воскресят желания твои
Так полюбила ты тогда
Ведь ведьма ты, ведь ведьма ты,
Ведь ведьма ты, летать (летать) могла

From this rush, from emptiness
The miracles of merry dances
Will not revive your desires
Then you loved so much
Coz you are a witch, you are a witch
After all you are a witch, (you) could fly


ВЕДЬМА \ WITCH

Original lyrics by V. Papivin

A Cupid’s arrow hit your heart
You didn’t feel that aching smart
That knocked forever out of paradise

The Moon came down to bloody mist
You couldn’t comprehend the gist
The night air stood all still until sunrise

Your destiny leads you ahead
You can’t make out the good from bad
You can’t see things coz you have lost your eye

That much you loved in that night time
You were a witch, you were a witch
You were a witch, coz you could (you could) fly

Recall this reckless crazy night
Recall your headlong thoughtless flight
Is it indeed you feel no more that free?
This dream might come again to you
And take you back to midnight woods
Where dance and howl
And fire under the trees

The fuss and rush, and empty space
The miracle of that night race
Will not revive your hungering for love

That much you loved just that night
You were a witch, you were a witch
You were a witch, coz you could (you could) fly

Privet Alexei. Certainly I'll work on this song. I think I'll post 2 versions ... possibly from your liberal translation, which is rather contemporary, and maybe something a little more "classic". Then you can choose which seems better, or maybe a blend of the 2. Sometimes perfection is somewhere between 2 extremes

But I'll try not to take too long. I'll post something here within a few hours....

Excellent idea.
Actually the style of the song does not sound very traditional, it's pretty modern Russian. But the traditional variant could be a perfeect option, adding a little mistery and fairy-tale aroma. And 2 variants are always better than one. We'll let the singer choose.