Honestly, I’m not super surprised. I’ve thought of it myself and it’s the biggest fear I’ve had. I’ve kinda sensed it and gotten hints from you that this might happen. I guess it’s good to get it all out now…total honesty and openness, let nothing hold us back and keep us from being real with each other – leads to the best kind of communication and relationship, right?

If I say something attacking or hurtful towards you I sincerely apologize, it’s most likely said out of my own hurt and struggles with this…most likely I don’t mean it. And I apologize if these thoughts seem to jump all over the place. I’m sure you can imagine how my brain is just a jumbled non-stop mess right now.

I’d really prefer to do this in person and would be willing to try but understand if it can’t be done..…this could very well be the last time I ever “talk” to you. I feel like I have to say everything right now in case we never talk again. I may repeat some of the stuff I’ve already said or written but I just want to make sure I leave nothing unsaid; that I’ve given my all.

I understand what you’ve said and want….kind of. It sucks hearing that you have doubts about wanting to be with me, that you might find something better with someone else, that I might lose you. Switch the roles….would you wanna hear that? But I’m not mad. I can’t blame you for your thoughts and feelings. I do understand but understanding doesn’t mean I’m happy about it or that it’s all good with me.

Here’s a struggle for me: I want nothing more than to be with you and talk to you and remain in your life, ideally as your number one. So NONE of this is what I WANT. Not gonna lie, I’m hurt, scared, worried, freaking out of my mind that I’ll lose you. Losing you has been my number one biggest fear so I’m sorry if I don’t know how to handle it well. I wish I were a stronger person. I think earlier today you might have thought that I WANT to stop talking to you or that I’m ok w/this break but I’m not….at all.

I apologize for having a negative view on this outcome but I’m a pessimistic person by nature….i always assume the worst. I think you know that. Trust me, I’m trying to remind myself that you’re doing this to make sure it’s me that you really want and that you could very well end up come running back to me as well……I guess I just don’t want to have false hope and get my hopes up to have them crushed…I’ve had my hopes crushed one too many times and I just don’t know how much my heart can take.

I feel like an *** for showering you lately with all my words of how much I love you and want to be with you and think of you…….i said it all cuz It’s true but also to reassure you that it’s true and to help relieve any doubts you might have about my feelings for you. Now I think perhaps it’s been a turn off or an annoyance or bigger encouragement for you to take a break. Idk.

I want to address the manipulation thing…….i’m sorry but it really bothers me. i’ve never thought I’ve manipulated you……I’ve never used you or misled you for my own benefit. I hope you’ve never felt like that. Idk……others can have their opinion and view of this but only you and I really know what’s happened and I guess I was just following what felt very natural and real. I didn’t intend it or plan it….i went with it. I mean, why would I have manipulated you to do all this? Why would I have wanted to get into something like this, knowing that I could very well lose a lot of what was my life and what defined me? I didn’t intend to totally fall in love with a student of mine, a female student, no less. But it happened. And something you said still rings in my ears – you can’t help who you love, right? If I ever manipulated you in any way I would admit it. I admit that I probably shouldn’t have chosen to go ahead with what we did, seeing that I’m the adult and all that shit……but I also don’t regret it. I really don’t. I just, ugh, don’t see it as manipulation.

Sometimes I think about us and you and I think you deserve better than me; that you deserve a “normal” relationship. You deserve to have a family and give your kids pieces of what you had as a kid. And especially considering what you’ve had to go through at such a young age, you deserve nothing more than true and utter joy and happiness and normalcy. But I can’t give that to you. Any guy your age has so much more on me that I can never offer. Younger age, “right” gender, your parents’ approval (that one gets to me the most because I honestly do really like your parents and just wish they could forgive me but understand if that never happens….it just sucks), chance at a normal family life for you in the future. I can’t change who I am. Trust me, there are many times I wish I could but I can’t. I think you’ve seen the best of me and I think I’ve given you my all and if that’s not enough for you I sincerely hope and pray with all my being that you find what’s enough for you and what’s right for you because you totally deserve it….please don’t ever doubt that! Don’t ever settle for anything less than what you’ve had with me….seek only more.

Since this whole thing is my biggest fear I’m the last person who wants to say this but I think it needs to be said……..i don’t know if you can have both – a break plus being able to still talk to me. doesn’t a break need to have an actual break? I would think months of not seeing each other and not talking to each other and having rough and limited communication illegally would have given you enough of a chance to see what life without me would be like. But I guess not. So maybe the break needs to be everything…..totally cutting me from your life. I mean, if you’re still not sure about us and we’ve been separated this much already for 5 months, don’t you think there needs to be more of a break for you to be able to figure things out and see if I’m really what you want? I mean that’s the last thing in the world I want because right now you’re seriously the only thing keeping me going and even getting out of bed in the morning……the thought of all this court **** being over and done and you being 18 and god, just getting to see you, to give you a long overdue hug, and eventually getting to spend my life with you. That’s my only drive, only motivation for me doing anything right now. The only thing that’s gotten me this far already. So a total break is the last thing I want but it might be what you need, from what you’ve said.

Please don’t get mad thinking that I WANT to stop talking to you or that I’m even ok with all this because god help me I’m not. It took all my strength and more to hold back my tears today and even that didn’t always work. I cried myself to sleep last night. This has been my biggest fear!!!! Of course I’m not ok with it. But I understand why you need it. And if you do end up dating others and realize it’s really me that you want then I couldn’t be happier and I’ll feel so much more confident about us and your feelings for me and I couldn’t ask for anything more since that’s all I want…………..but I can’t ignore the other possibility….that you could realize you want an easier, more normal relationship, that you want a relationship that your family approves of, and that you don’t want me after all.

But I think you have to choose now……and I hesitate saying this and I don’t want to say it or even think it because I think I know what you’ll choose (maybe what you have to choose)……either you want a break and I’m out of your life even more than I already am or you don’t need a break and you’re committed to me and you keep me in your life. But I just don’t know how you can have both to really make sure ya know?

I wonder if you’re feeling this now because you just talked to your mom about it and if you won’t feel this need for a break later…..idk. or if it’s really cuz you need a break and you need to see if it’s me that you want or someone else. Maybe that doesn’t even make sense. Idk. Sorry.

I would like to say I’m big and strong enough of a person to fully support you and be okay with only being your friend through this break and during your dating but I think it’s gonna hurt too damn much and I won’t be a good friend to you during that time. As much as I want you to be happy, even if that means not being with me, it’s still gonna suck if it’s not with me and I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from it but if you’re truly happy then that’s what I want. True love = sacrificing one’s own happiness right? Sacrifice, by definition, won’t be easy. So while I can sit here and type away all these thoughts to you, please don’t for one second think that I’m happy about this or want this because I don’t. this is NOT what I WANT, but I’m willing to try to let you go because I think it’s what’s best for us. Heck it’s a win-win for you – either you find out that I am what you really want and we end up happy together or you find someone who’s even better for you and you’re happy with someone else. And if you go through this and realize I’m what you want, that’s what’s best for me. but if you find better happiness with someone else, I can’t complain cuz all I want is for you to be truly happy.

But if you’re even having these thoughts and desires, I think you need to follow them. If they’re just fleeting and part of a “phase” then I think you’ll eventually realize that too. but I don’t want to keep you from finding out. I don’t want you to regret being with me and eventually resent me and always wonder if it could’ve been better with someone else. I’d rather you do it now than years from now when you feel like you’re stuck with me and resent me and aren’t all that happy.

Just don’t doubt my feelings for you. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are the one for me. I’m not complete without you. You are my reason for being. I love you so incredibly much , more than I’ve loved anyone else, and I care about you so much. I just want what’s best for you. Sadly, I’m so afraid that what’s best for you could be my biggest sadness and heartache. So I struggle. I struggle between my own happiness and yours. I thought what was best for both of us was being together. And maybe it still is. But right now I think what’s best for you might be this break. I can barely type the words but like I said, I don’t want you to wake up one day down the line and realize you’re not happy with me and end up hating me for not letting you go now.

Am I overreacting? Is this really not that big of a deal? If I’m overreacting and going overboard please just tell me, stop me. I very well could be taking this too far. Idk. Just tell me what you think. God, please just tell me what you think of all this. Please. Don’t hesitate, don’t be afraid that you’ll hurt me or anything like that. Like I said before, I don’t blame you nor am I mad at you for the thoughts and feelings you have. I would be mad if you lied about them or pretended for my sake. I want you to be real, to be honest, to be open.

I don’t know how long you need. You don’t know how long you need. I don’t know if you’ll end up dating or how many or what you’ll do………i don’t want to know the details nor will I need to. I trust that you know what you’re doing, that you’re finding what’s best for you and that you won’t settle for anything less.

I would love for this court thing to finish and to be able to call you up and for you to tell me that I’m what you want, that you’ve looked and seen and figured out that I’m the one for you. That’s what I dream for, wish for, hope for with every ounce of my being. But I only want that if you want that. I don’t want you to come back to me unless you really want to come back to me. does that make sense? Don’t come back unless you’re sure, or more sure than you are now. I want you to follow what you think will bring you the best happiness.

As far as specifics go in case I don’t talk to you for a long time……july 22 is my next court date and if it goes to trial, that will be in November (nov. 17 I think)……..so IF it goes that long, November is the latest and when we’ll all know how this ends for the legal part. I would love for it to end sooner and to see you sooner than that but none of that is within my timetable.

I will be waiting for you. I know I don’t want anyone else. I love you with all my heart and I’ve never been fake with you. I think I’ve given you my all. Forever won’t be the same without you. Don’t ever doubt how great you are and how much you deserve to be happy and treated right. I would love to be the one to do that for you but understand if it’s not. Just don’t settle for anything short of perfection. No matter what happens and how this ends up, I love you and I always will. And I’ve never regretted it.

“I guarantee there will be hard times. I guarantee there will be times when one or both of us will want out. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine now, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life and in my heart I know you’re the one for me.” – Runaway Bride

I love you. I can’t live without you. My life has been changed because of you. I’m saying it cuz tomorrow the chance might be gone….life is too short, as we’ve both just been reminded.