So, this is my second attempt at writing a rap. However, this one is in a new style which is a bit different which uses more assonance with rhyming. I know it is still a bit absent of metaphors but i was just writing yesterday and this came up. A different style to my normal one so please tell me if this is better or worse. I don't care (as usual) if you pick out the smallest of things wrong with it 'cos it only makes it better. This rap is also untitled and without a hook or chorus so any ideas for those will be appreciated (preferably rapped). I hope you like it

Key: Comma at end of line = longer pause
New paragraph within a verse = longer pause than above
A more than sign (>) = line flows straight on to the next

(Verse 1)
Have you ever thought of leaving?
Abandoning your life for a dream you've always believed in?
'Cos that's what i've got
Another reason to go searching for the pot at the end of the rainbow,
So what if it's guarded by a leprechaun?
I'll wipe the smile off his face and rub it in the floor
'Cos that's what i'm willing to put at risk for >
The chance to chase my dream and never nothing more,

And i'm wondering if i left, whether my dad would miss me?
Or would i disappear along with another glass of whiskey?
But that's yet another mystery
I'm willing to miss as i race across the country,

And i'mma follow my dream right up until the end of the open road
And further more 'till there's no where left I could ever go
And if i'm ever low?
I'll be sure to remember the world that i'll forever know...

(Verse 2)
Did I ever say I was religious?
But right now i need all the help the gods can give us
So let them be with us in the search for glory
And a new chapter in the book of a never-ending story,

So let me move on
And give me the chance to advance from the present and past
Then remove myself from the country i'm from
And the life where i'd never felt i belong,
So we're pushing on
In a battle of difference between right and wrong
Fo so long i'd gone without the answer or clue
No matter how many times i thought it through,
But when times are hard the sun begins to shine
We refine our ways and begin the search to find
The way forward to leave the past behind
'Cos that's the adaptation and progression of mankind...

(Verse 3)
Gimme a reason to return,
Other than to retrace the past and give up what i've earned
'Cos some people never learn the way of life
Or the way in which everything has to have its turn,
And if i ever think about returning to my old endangered place
I'll never let 'em know so they don't recognise my face
And i'll just lay there and let the world go by
And wonder when i left if anyone knew why,
Did they know for whatever reason?
Did they guess at the method behind my treason?
Though it's not a crime >
To follow your dream and also your mind,
And i wonder if when i deserted
Anyone actually noticed, 'cos know this:
I had a wish
And never in the world was i gonna miss this...


Just as a final thought: I am British so this is in an English accent and it took me about an hour to write at about midnight (though that's when i wrote the last one as well). Thanks for any advice or comments and seriously, DON'T be afraid to be hyper-critical.

This is a substantial improvement, and I like it.

I disagree.
I think the end result of your first rhyme was way better. This one misses inner flow if u ask me.

i can see that, the other way i wrote was certainly more rhythmic but this one is a bit more Eminem/Devlin like (first two i can think of off the top of my head). But, it's people's own preferences whether you prefer the mainstream rap like what i did earlier or the slightly more different rap like this one. As i say, it just flowed out of my head; i'll write some more like the other one later but i kinda like this style so imma write a bit of both

Yeah, everything is subjective, that's why I always give my opinion and why I never speak for other people. I don't like Eminem, I don't like his style or anything he does, a lot of people obviously disagree with me so maybe it is a good idea to keep writing in this style if you're planning on becoming famous one day. I'm just saying that the other rap has more content in it in my opinion. U read it and u're amazed 'cuz it's good. I think it would be a shame to not continue in that style, 'cuz you CAN do it, a lot of people want to but they don't have the ability. Just sayin'.

Yeah, i'm gonna write in both. And i find the other style is more content and metaphors while this one is point and explanation. I'll make sure i keep up in both styles 'cos it's a shame to waste something you are good at and i enjoy this style as much of the other one. I love eminem personally but i also like b.o.b and co. so i remain impartial on the style front. I'll see if i can craft another good rap in the other style for you

Hahah I actually got you confused with one of the other new people, but I still like it. I'll compare your old one later though

ahh, i wondered what the "substantial improvement" was for! I was sure i hadn't done anything yet