The price (you want me to pay)

Behind your smiles your beatiful scent
Behind your words „I love you“
Behind your touches of excitement
Is an aim to overrule

Behind your motions and sweet lies
„You are my sun in the haze“
Behind your make up and blue eyes
There´s something bad in your gaze

All you want – is to own me like a thing
All you need – is to decide about everything
Command by command
you´re unveiling your iron hand

Chorus:
The price you want me to pay is much too high for me
A sacrifice without the rights you´ve slain isn´t worth to be
The more I give much more you take never giving back
All my tries of equality you never respect
The price you want me to pay
The price you want me to pay is much too high for me

In your web - I´m caught just like a fly
All you do – is to eliminate my rights
Thread by thread
You´re tightening a rope round my neck

Chorus:
The price you want me to pay is much too high for me
A sacrifice without the rights you´ve slain isn´t worth to be
The more I give much more you take never giving back
All my tries of equality you never respect
The price you want me to pay
The price you want me to pay is much too high for me

„The inner voice had warned me
But my blood was boiling down
I´d have done almost everything for you
But the price is much too high
Much too high"

Sick of your rules
I´ve broken your web and leaving you

Chorus:
The price you want me to pay is much too high for me
A sacrifice without the rights you´ve slain isn´t worth to be
The more I give much more you take never giving back
All my tries of equality you never respect
The price you want me to pay
The price you want me to pay is much too high for me

Hugo!

One poem a day keeps doctor away?!

I like the lyrics a lot and the second verse:

Behind your motions and sweet lies
„You are my sun in the haze“
Behind your make up and blue eyes
There´s something bad in your gaze

is just brilliant - the flow, the rhyming and its noble simplicity! Congrats!

But
1. the following sentence is somewhat strange: "More I give much more you take never turning back".
Did you want to say here: "THE more I give, THE more you take, never giving back"?
If yes, I'm afraid this THE is very much missing here...

2. "Sacrifice without rights you´ve slain isn´t worth to be" - your thoughts here are rather illegible to me - has s/he slain the rights or the sacrifice? You're mixing tenses here, too, and without the necessary joints it just sounds blurry.

Yeah absolutely brilliant Hugo, love it!

And I wonder ....... brotha Paul, maybe I can see how it would work without the second "the"? It may seem a little awkward in a pure grammatical sense, but I think I like it better without

But yeah Hugo, I also think the "Sacrifice" line needs a little more clarity. But otherwise this is, how should I say, rather exquisite

Ah, I like this a lot! Imagery's good, there's some awesome lines and it's to the point. I like this line - "Thread by thread/ You´re tightening a rope round my neck" Nice work!

But I don't understand what this is saying "Sacrifice without rights you´ve slain isn´t worth to be" - I was trying to figure it out, but couldn't...

Originally Posted by Paul Orhan

Hugo!
One poem a day keeps doctor away?!

Funny!

Originally Posted by Paul Orhan

Hugo!
I like the lyrics a lot and the second verse:

Behind your motions and sweet lies
„You are my sun in the haze“
Behind your make up and blue eyes
There´s something bad in your gaze

is just brilliant - the flow, the rhyming and its noble simplicity! Congrats!

But
1. the following sentence is somewhat strange: "More I give much more you take never turning back".
Did you want to say here: "THE more I give, THE more you take, never giving back"?
If yes, I'm afraid this THE is very much missing here...

Thank you Paul for your grammar advices. I will use the first "The" as Moonride advices.

Originally Posted by Paul Orhan

Hugo!
2. "Sacrifice without rights you´ve slain isn´t worth to be" - your thoughts here are rather illegible to me - has s/he slain the rights or the sacrifice? You're mixing tenses here, too, and without the necessary joints it just sounds blurry.

"Sacrifice without rights you´ve slain isn´t worth to be" means I would be a sacrifice to have her but she wants me to be sacrifice and even take (slay all my rights). So to be a sacrifice (or make so great sacrifice) and even lose all my rights isn´t worth to be.

I know it´s difficult to write lyrics clear because I´m restricted by rhyme and melody.

Originally Posted by MoonRide42

Yeah absolutely brilliant Hugo, love it!
And I wonder ....... brotha Paul, maybe I can see how it would work without the second "the"? It may seem a little awkward in a pure grammatical sense, but I think I like it better without

Thank you Moonride for your grammar advice I think using the first "The" would be better as you wrote.

Originally Posted by MoonRide42

But yeah Hugo, I also think the "Sacrifice" line needs a little more clarity. But otherwise this is, how should I say, rather exquisite

My explanation is in Paul´s reply.

Originally Posted by Katie13

Ah, I like this a lot! Imagery's good, there's some awesome lines and it's to the point. I like this line - "Thread by thread/ You´re tightening a rope round my neck" Nice work!

Thank you Katie for your comment.

Originally Posted by Katie13

But I don't understand what this is saying "Sacrifice without rights you´ve slain isn´t worth to be" - I was trying to figure it out, but couldn't...

My explanation is in Paul´s reply.

Ahoj Pane Hugo!

Thanks for explaining the misleading part. Now everything's clear!

As a person who tried writing lyrics in English more than once, I understand you all too well as far as rhyming and flow are concerned. Many a time I was forced to abort a song 'cos I just couldn't reconcile grammar needs with the flow/rhyming needs

But, perhaps:

- adding A before "sacrifice" (will not affect the flow)
- adding the before "rights"
and
- changing isn't to ain't (is pronounced shorter than isn't)

would make it more clear and shall not disrupt the flow - "A sacrifice without the rights you´ve slain ain't worth to be"

What d'you think?

Originally Posted by Paul Orhan

Ahoj Pane Hugo!

Thanks for explaining the misleading part. Now everything's clear!

As a person who tried writing lyrics in English more than once, I understand you all too well as far as rhyming and flow are concerned. Many a time I was forced to abort a song 'cos I just couldn't reconcile grammar needs with the flow/rhyming needs

But, perhaps:

- adding A before "sacrifice" (will not affect the flow)
- adding the before "rights"
and
- changing isn't to ain't (is pronounced shorter than isn't)

would make it more clear and shall not disrupt the flow - "A sacrifice without the rights you´ve slain ain't worth to be"

What d'you think?

Yeah, "a" and "the" I always forget them Because english isn´t my native language and in my language there are no "a" and "the". I understand english needs them to recognize if "sacrifice" is a noun or a verb.

Nice changes with "a" and "the". I will change it.

Thank you Paul again for your english lesson