Newbie here! c4c. Help please.

Moody sky and willowing trees, the blowing wind, can you feel the deadly breeze.
My head hangs down, my head hangs down.

Pushing bodies and fleeting feelings, the last glimpse of light will end in trembling screaming.
My head hangs down, my head hangs down.

I'm not good enough, my will ain't strong enough, so what do you think of me now?
So weak, so young, so misunderstanding. So god what do you think of me now?

An endless night, and wallowing flight. It's the course of inner peeling.
My head hangs down, my head hangs down.

My minds off track, my thoughts lost traction, a fitting act for the ending action.
My head hangs down, my head hangs down.

I'm not good enough, my will ain't strong enough, so what do ya think of me now?
So weak, so young, so misunderstanding. So god what do you think of me now?

Finished. For now. Be brutally honest please. I want to improve, I don't want the watered down bullshit.

Well honestly and bluntly, it reads, visualizes and moves nicely and it seems very workable as a song. I woulda wrapped the lines but it's simple enough that not even that is worth mentioning ...

Length and structure? It's easy to guess what you intend as a chorus, but is it developed enough to make a complete song? Just food for thought, coz a great song does not have to be over-burdened with words.

Well that's as 'brutal' as I can be coz I just happen to like it. You've definitely got a talent and feel for writing.

I also think this is a fairly good set. I can see this fitting perfectly in the vein of a song like Circle by Slipknot (don't let the band name fool you, the song is done entirely on acoustic guitars with very clean vocals). The only changes I would consider making are in the 3rd line down (taking out the word trembling to make the flow seem less forced) and in the 9th line down (changes it from 'fitting act' to 'fitting ploy' to prevent to much repetition of sound). Other than that, I would say you've got a decent set here. Keep on truckin, I'm curious to see what else you can do!

Thanks! Anyone else?

Dear Lane, I am not a songwriter, but I totally agree with MoonRIde and SewnUp (very good recommendations).

At first I wondered about the repeat line "My head hangs down, my head hangs down." However after (what I view as) the first refrain (#5 & #6), I began to really like the repeat line, "My head hangs down.... " I began to think of some truly great singer-songwriters (one even in the Smithsonian "Folkways") who use a "tag" line (don't know if that's the right word) like that in some songs.

As MoonRIde indicated, simplicity (including repetition--not only the refrain) can sometimes be the hallmark of a good song. A sort of 'hook.' I do think there could be more to the song; but perhaps merely repetition of the song lines is sufficient! It is rather like a "watercolor." The brush-strokes are put down on paper. If you try to add too much to the strokes already there, sometimes it gets "muddy." . . .

The constructive criticism I offer is about a "bridge" in the song--a few critical (as in 'important') lines about 2/3rds through the song . . . making a slight change of pace, melody, variation, and allow for the listener to give additional appreciative thought to the song. Some songs achieve this using a musical interlude. Whatever you do, don't sacrifice your simplicity and clarity.

Whether this is right or wrong, good or bad, I don't know. But when I read your song, I heard a plaintive ending--after a slight pause--of: "My head hangs down," almost half-spoken/half-sung. I do not have enough experience in this field, though, to know whether to trust my gut feelings. Nonetheless, that is my gut feeling!

I don't have all the correct musical terms, but I hope you understand what I mean. Thank you very much for sharing your song. I, too, would like to know where this song goes from here . . . and any additional ones. Congratulations for posting your song; it takes guts!