More random lyrics. Opinions please

These in no way have any relation. I'm just puttin more writings of mine on here to get more thoughts. All thoughts are welcome, positive or negative. I just want thoughts hah.

#1
I'm killin em, and I ain't even cross over
Now I'm seein em, and I ain't even cross over
Its my sixth sense
I'm filled with suspense
and they suspect
that i'm suspect
As i casually count the casualties
I got blood on me tragically
I tried to clean it frantically
and leave without a trace
from the scene of this murder case
no visible clues
or cues
to the SVU
In the court room with the boys in blue
no need to assume, my story stays true
and I'm standing by my alibi
they couldn't fathom I,
was the killa
front page thrilla.

Copyright 6/10/11 Tre_fly
#2
I hit the L
by the O
and you know
that its O-V
you lookin so E-asy
Girl, how you go unnoticed like loch ness?
cause from what i assess
in that white dress
its bout to be a hot mess
unless
you bout to play this guess-ing game
shits so lame
especially when you such a dame
legs longer than a new york block
but I'll have em open wit that new york stock
wit a little sprite and cieroc
down on the harbor, on a new york dock
time seems still, we stopped the clock
Copyright 6/10/11 Tre_fly

#3 (this is the beginning of a song, still working on it)
when life hands you a crushing blow
find the crack in the concrete and then just grow
grow up to spit that chronic eubonic
been planted in the streets since you was hooked on phonics
**** my dad use to curse but i know you seen worse
spillin out the hurt on verse after verse
usin the money from the purse you stole to pursue your career
but now thats on hold
your baby mama wanna know when your eligable for parole
you know you coulda used that money for birth control
a young brotha in jail just anotha statistic
its hard to make bail, but you stay optimistic
findin hope in the bible, you live for the lord
time for the court trial, at five after four
been up all night, not sure whats gone happen
regret sets in from the sentence for trappin
two more years in prison, was the judges decision
Your daughters almost three, and you have yet to see, her,
besides a picture
I wonder if she gets the letters you sent her
On the inside till she's five
young and innocent, yet so deprived
is she gone love you? or pay you no mind?
the only escape is writing, on anything you find
paper and pen, sees your rape and sin
the sole reason your stuck in the pen
But He is guiding you now, through the valley of shadows
guiding your writing, no longer lost, microsoft bing
When the day arrives to leave this hell hole,
the first thing you'll did is call up Nicole.
You said "I'm changed man now; I've found my role"
"and tell my daughter that daddies comin home"

(Need a hook)

No easy adjustment for a trapper turned good
besides having hope to be a rapper, cause your still from the hood
Your kinda like biggie, from the inner city
and you learned from your ways,
lessons are learned and sin never pays
You cant sing at all, your no Marvin Gay
But people will still listen to what you gotta say
"hey, arent you the one that rattled everyone at the last battle?"
"Naw, I aint got beef, but you gotta herd a cattle"
"look if you want the advantage, your gonna need someone to manage"
"and i think your cold, and your lines are savage"
"You could come up in this game, think of money and fame"
so you got a manager, but the contents of the cannister are still under pressure
(The next line is one for later in the rap. Its a dope line though, think about it "mos def" like the rapper and saying "most definitely" and he stared in the movie, "Next Day Air". Dope right?)
and your mos def the star, next day air
Copyright 6/10/11 Tre_fly

Anyone's thoughts?

Syllables to rhyme in a few places here and there.. You've got a gift there is no questioning that.
I just feel you have more than you let off..Keep doing what you are doing..stay true and use your heart when you write..
this is an example...with your rhyme..in my p.o.

I'm killin em, and I ain't even crossed over,
Now I'm feeling em, haunting me over my shoulders,
must be my sixth sense I'm filled with suspense
and they suspect that i'm suspect this s***'s tense
but I don't have enough yet. so on and so on.........

this is one I wrote along time ago....I called it sweet revenge...Just though it related a little...some is true except the part about the doc...lol
I had fun with this one....

Never would of thought I would amount to this.
All I ever thought I was only out to drown in S***.
But now I’m fit to devour them all for their countless S***.
Not given em a last wish before I announce their sentence.
cause this sickness has gotten me nauseous I got to vomit this.
with the flawless gift given, the minute I split my mommas hips.
while the doctor sits with his palms slick, he’s the cause of this.
it ain’t my ****ing fault that the doc lost his grip.
I popped out and split my skull before I was a minute old.
Now I’m stitched and sewed and pissed cause I was a bit slow.
Giving the other kids ambitions to pick and poke, spiting my nose.
Then tying me to the monkey bars so I’d miss my trip to get home.
You B****es have gone too F***ing far, if I ever see you again.
It will be in the trunk of my car. while your bleeding and needing some wind.
leave you in so long you’ll be slipping in your own faeces and piss.
I don’t forget S*** so I leave you no reason to live...
feel the sweet revenge....

No Hook...

Now my patience has snapped in half like elastic treads.
I’m past the edge and I can’t relax until their a** is dead.
Drastically bled and battered to death with a collapsed in head.
I’m tracking your treads so attract the lead Now that that’s been said.
I feel a little bit liter...
But I can’t rest Until I expire every life that could have been nicer.
Just as I reminder I have all your names displayed in my binder.
I’m gonna find ya and when I do its time to face the grinder.
I’m Silent but deadly, like a nine with a silencer .
you’ll never know whenit's coming, I might be right behind ya.
Or right beside when your with your lovely wife at a dinner.
I’m a mater of discuses I’ll take your life with the same knife that I supplied ya.
I'll surprise ya with a quick slice for killing my pride.
now look what you've amounted to lifeless and drowning in soup.
well that’s a few of this list but I Promise you, I ain't through.
Now where's the rest of your crew, I have more executions to do.
For my sweet revenge...

Copyright 06/14/2011

Thanks Deep. Yeah that was just like a quick flow i wrote and was wondering on how to improve it, so that helps alot, but yeah post the rest of that if you wanna. Thanks again man

I will....And Your most welcome bro...

Yo, Tre.... I edited my post and reposted all I have on it....Feel free to pick on it. It was done a long time ago...I held on to it in the event I wan't to make it better.

The second verse is way better in my opinion. If you ever wanna re-do this song, I would strip it all down to the ideas and a few of the rhymes, like the one about coming from your mothers hips. I can tell you wrote this a while ago because its not as quick hitting as the ones i;ve read recently and it doesn't flow as well in my opinion. I look forward to the re-do if you do do a re-do haha

I know... It's cool. I was a rookie. thanks for the insight.